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Ciffs:
- Meet girl salsa dancing, date for a couple months, break up but continue FWB for a couple more months. We remain friends.
- (Now) ex gets job at my same employer, we have to work together on occasion.
- Ex gets all into salsa dancing, makes friends with all my friends and we now see each other at majority of parties and events.
- I start dating new girl. FWB with ex is cut off. I tell ex I am out dating and like new girl.
- New girl finds out all the above and now has major concerns.
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I met a woman last year through a salsa dancing group. I've been salsa dancing for years and she was just getting into it. We became friends and eventually dated for a couple months. I realized we weren't a good long term fit relationship wise, but we remained friends. Right about the time we broke up, she got a job at my same employer. I work for a big company, but we're now at the same office location and sometimes we have to work together. I don't see her daily at work, but probably one or two times per week.
Big mistake, but her and I ended up getting into a short FWB situation after we dated. We were both upfront about things and I told her I eventually wanted to get back out and date, but we decided to do the FWB thing for a couple months anyways.
All this time, neither her nor I have any issue with anything going on. I'm out salsa dancing say two nights per week, which most of the time I see salsa/work ex there and dance with her (among others). We see each other at work, we talk about life, and just are friends in general.
I started dating a new woman a couple months ago. Once I started dating again, I told my work/salsa ex that I didn't want to do the FWB thing anymore, my goal was to be in an actual relationship and I needed to focus my efforts there. She knew it was coming, we had discussed this from day one, and she had no problem with that. She was starting to date again as well, so it all lined up.
New girl I've been dating dating recently found out basically all of the above about my work/salsa ex and it's become a big problem. She is concerned I spend so much time with my ex and particularly because we had the FWB situation going on in the recent past. New girl and I see each other regularly, but are not yet exclusive. I've told new girl that I want to be with her. I've also told the work/salsa ex that I am dating new girl and I am happy with her and focusing my attention there.
It's complicated that work/salsa ex has became friends with most of my friends from salsa dancing (by virtue of dancing not by dating me in the past). Since 80% of my friends I've known for years through salsa dancing, I get invited to a lot of parties, group events, etc. and now most of the time my work/salsa ex is there as well.
I get that the new girl I am dating would have issues with this, but I don't know how to make her feel better without completely overhauling my whole life. I can't quit my job obviously. I could quit salsa dancing, but it's a huge part of my life and social circle in general. It doesn't make sense to do that for new girl that I've been dating for only a couple months.
I offered up to new girl that I would minimize how much I talk to work/salsa ex (since I have to talk to her at work) and do things like not dance with work/salsa ex. New girl seemed to think that was a good idea, but new girl also doesn't really want to go to parties/events/group outings where salsa/work ex is, which comprimises a big percentage of my social life, unfortunately.
What do you think? If you were new girl would you see this as a big problem? What else can I do to let new girl know that I want to be with her and work/salsa ex is just part of my past?
I'm way too old and mature to try and put myself in the shoes of a twit like this new girlfriend. You're barely into any sort of a relationship with her and if this is bothering her so much I suggest you look for someone rather more mature to spend time with.
Unfortunately this sort of immaturity and insecurity isn't confined to the young. A couple of years ago my VERY "ex" in his late 60s with whom I'd long since broken up but who remained a dear friend, got involved with a woman also in her late 60s. I was very happy for him and he said several times that apparently she'd seen photos of me and was jealous of our continued friendship. We both laughed about it (and I rather felt sorry for the woman) but came a time when we were as usual chatting on the 'phone and he said, " xxxx is coming to visit so I won't be talking to you for a while". I was totally flabbergasted and thought at first he was kidding but he wasn't - and that was that. Haven't spoken to him since, other than briefly when we bumped into each in a supermarket, and we'd known each other for close to 20 years.
You explained the situation to the new girlfriend (likely way too much way too soon) but if we all made a song and a dance about all the lovers who've gone before we'd never meet anyone. No reason at all why you have to make massive adjustments to your activities to soothe someone so insecure. If this is the tack she's taking this early on in the relationship one can only imagine how she's going to be trying to re-arrange your relationships with all your friends (and likely family too) if this goes further.
New girl is all but giving you an ultimatum. If you adjust your life by giving up something you seem to be passionate about in an effort to make her happy, are you going to end up resenting her for it?
You can't and won't make her feel better. She is going to see what she wants to and make your life a living hell of constantly questioning your actions and avoiding the things you love to save heated drama.
WHY did the ex start salsa dancing at the same place you did??
Because she wanted to learn? I think you missed this part: "I met a woman last year through a salsa dancing group. I've been salsa dancing for years and she was just getting into it. We became friends and eventually dated for a couple months."
You explained the situation to the new girlfriend (likely way too much way too soon) but if we all made a song and a dance about all the lovers who've gone before we'd never meet anyone. No reason at all why you have to make massive adjustments to your activities to soothe someone so insecure. If this is the tack she's taking this early on in the relationship one can only imagine how she's going to be trying to re-arrange your relationships with all your friends (and likely family too) if this goes further.
Good points, something to think about. Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NWGirl74
New girl is all but giving you an ultimatum. If you adjust your life by giving up something you seem to be passionate about in an effort to make her happy, are you going to end up resenting her for it?
I guess more than anything I was looking for an outside perspective if new girl's feelings and expectations were normal/reasonable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident
Because she wanted to learn? I think you missed this part: "I met a woman last year through a salsa dancing group. I've been salsa dancing for years and she was just getting into it. We became friends and eventually dated for a couple months."
Exactly. The timeline is complicated to read, but I met the ex (who I now work with) initially via salsa dancing. She was new at the time, but has since become one of the most active and ingrained members of the group.
Exactly. The timeline is complicated to read, but I met the ex (who I now work with) initially via salsa dancing. She was new at the time, but has since become one of the most active and ingrained members of the group.
Then you will need to become masterful at convincing your GF that the ex is NOT a problem for you anymore.
Your new GF's wariness to attend the salsa activities does signal massive insecurity, which usually means other problems as well. Hopefully you have explained to her how much this salsa group is a part of your life.
Even so, is there ANY other salsa club you both could start attending, just as a fresh start? If you REALLY like this new girl, it might be worth a try.
The "not attending" salsa events would be a big red flag for me. Not because it was a sign of her insecurity, but because it's a pretty strong signal she is not interested in learning more about something you enjoy or is not interested in compromising on how the two of you spend time together.
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