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No one "needs" to hide anything. It can just be off-putting and a bit ill-placed considering said information is stated in the details. It's no different than some people being annoyed by those who boast about being a "devoted single mother" and how her children are #1.
If one is attempting to set themself apart from the masses, this approach can do just the opposite, thus leading to the impression many get when coming across boring or cliche profiles.
It tells me he has a mortgage, had at least decent credit to get approved for a home loan, and may or may not have saved a lot depending on the location and type of loan used. It means he has debt just like the majority of Americans.
Similar to someone stating they went to college. Okay... and a good chunk of other people did, too. Like a lot of Americans. Does this show discipline? Eh. Maybe. Don't know what kind of student or learner he was. He could have graduated with mostly C's, barely passed classes, or had other people do his work. And by the looks of a good chunk of the writing skills and answers to questions on some of the sites, I wouldn't be surprised if the latter was the case. So, that's not all that impressive.
I didn't say it was bad. I said it's unnecessarily redundant given such information is already present along with height/weight, ethnicity, relationship type, smoke, drink, pets, children, etc.
I was pretty selective myself. I was attracted to educated men, and "successful" never quite entered the picture because everyone has their own idea about what it means. Heck, even "educated" people can demonstrate a lack of their educatedness. But "educated" to me meant something very specific, and it wasn't just someone who "went to college" or even graduated.
The men's profiles I came across, the educated and professional types, didn't need to state their socioeconomic status in their profile. It was apparent that they were actually educated, intelligent, professional, driven, good-looking, etc., without needing to say as much. It's like someone who is good-looking would obviously want someone who is also good-looking. There's nothing wrong with that. It's only natural. But to imply that in the profile can be off-putting. It isn't "wrong," as in, I don't place a negative value judgment on this approach, but I wouldn't be surprised if it backfires.
There's nothing wrong with being proud of various accomplishments. But the usual way this is stated in dating profiles can be received in a less than positive light. Just like a lot of things common to dating profiles.
In terms of the "devoted single mother" again, I do not see this in the slightest as "trying to set herself apart". I see it as letting people know "this is who I am and what's important to me". Again, someone who likes to travel and go by the seat of their pants is NOT going to be a good fit for this woman, while a single dad who is equally devoted to his children might be a better fit and more understanding of how hard it is to juggle being a single parent and dating.
THAT is the whole purpose of the profile, telling people who you are so you are contacted by people with similar lifestyles. If it's off-putting to you to date a devoted single mother who has her children as her number one priority, and that kept you from writing her, then that the profile accomplished exactly what it is designed to do, keep from being contacted by men who are put off by her devotion to her children. Again, how exactly DO you think people should get across the person they are and what they value if not through showing how those values play out in their own life?
In terms of the "devoted single mother" again, I do not see this in the slightest as "trying to set herself apart". I see it as letting people know "this is who I am and what's important to me". Again, someone who likes to travel and go by the seat of their pants is NOT going to be a good fit for this woman, while a single dad who is equally devoted to his children might be a better fit and more understanding of how hard it is to juggle being a single parent and dating.
THAT is the whole purpose of the profile, telling people who you are so you are contacted by people with similar lifestyles. If it's off-putting to you to date a devoted single mother who has her children as her number one priority, and that kept you from writing her, then that the profile accomplished exactly what it is designed to do, keep from being contacted by men who are put off by her devotion to her children. Again, how exactly DO you think people should get across the person they are and what they value if not through showing how those values play out in their own life?
There's an option to divulge whether one has children in their details. Much like all of the other specs and details.
I read profiles of people saying what they do or study, but not "I'm educated and professional. I have a graduate degree and want the same in a mate." and whatever else. They just say "I'm a professor at..." or "I work in IT" or something to that effect. I think most get the idea. People can pick up on that. If they're not dense, that is.
If someone were a big traveler and spontaneous with their activities they'd assume, and would likely be right, to guess such lifestyle would not be compatible with full time or custodial parents, typically single or divorced mothers... which is stated in the details under "children." Which is why I didn't see a need to state the obvious, that I have children. It's already apparent, for those who can read.
It just goes to show that different people like different things, or in this case, different approaches to dating profiles. I think a lot of things in profiles are cliche and boring. Many people are tired of seeing pictures of pets and listing their iPhone as their favorite thing, or one of five favorite things, but it's a vital object for many. Just like Jesus is many people's best friend. Seeing that in someone's profile would make me quickly exit the profile, but that rarely happened since the system did not match me with theists. But the occasional one would peep my profile. Some things I can see being very important, and sometimes overemphasizing those things can be send a different message and image. It's a matter of perception.
There's an option to divulge whether one has children in their details. Much like all of the other specs and details.
I read profiles of people saying what they do or study, but not "I'm educated and professional. I have a graduate degree and want the same in a mate." and whatever else. They just say "I'm a professor at..." or "I work in IT" or something to that effect. I think most get the idea. People can pick up on that. If they're not dense, that is.
If someone were a big traveler and spontaneous with their activities they'd assume, and would likely be right, to guess such lifestyle would not be compatible with full time or custodial parents, typically single or divorced mothers... which is stated in the details under "children." Which is why I didn't see a need to state the obvious, that I have children. It's already apparent, for those who can read.
It just goes to show that different people like different things, or in this case, different approaches to dating profiles. I think a lot of things in profiles are cliche and boring. Many people are tired of seeing pictures of pets and listing their iPhone as their favorite thing, or one of five favorite things, but it's a vital object for many. Just like Jesus is many people's best friend. Seeing that in someone's profile would make me quickly exit the profile, but that rarely happened since the system did not match me with theists. But the occasional one would peep my profile. Some things I can see being very important, and sometimes overemphasizing those things can be send a different message and image. It's a matter of perception.
Just checking off you have children is NOT the same as making a point of saying your kids are the biggest facet of your life and the bulk of how your free time is spent.
I think we just have a different perspective, I see this info as important stuff to know about a person, you interpret it as boasting. Same with work - many people have jobs, but some people are very devoted to theirs and spend more of their time in work-related activities. Some people find this valuable info, and I am one. I also don't see playing up your accomplishments as boasting. So let's just say we have different views and agree to disagree.
I noticed so many men put 'mean' stuff in their profiles: I hate my community, this world sucks. I mean I feel similar ways but wouldn't dare write that in an OLD profile.
And no, just because more women ARE online looking for men does not mean they aren't "good" women. Online dating is just more common across the age spectrum in women than it is in men.
The data that sites like OKC collect would seem to suggest otherwise. Have you heard of the term adverse selection? It's something you'll hear a lot about in the insurance industry. Basically, it's when you have a pool of people, some good, some bad, and the good people exit the pool when they realize it's full of bad people. In the end, you're left with a pool of nothing but bad people. If you apply this to online dating, then it means that if all the good men had left the pool, then all the good women would too. But you're claiming there are a lot of good women online. How could that be if all the good men are gone?
I don't really think people put this in as a way to attract dates/impress them. I think it's because someone with those attributes and accomplishment most likely wants someone similar in lifestyle. Someone with an MBA and owning a home is probably not looking for a bartender living over their parents garage, for instance.
What you intend and how people interpret it are two different things. If I wanted someone who had the same education level as me, I would just say so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl
I don't understand, what is pompous about it? The point of a profile is to show your best side, why do we need to hide our accomplishments in one? It is an accomplishment to buy a home at 22, and if he did so due to hard work and a good saving ethic, that tells you a lot about his character and what values he holds and how disciplined he is.. Why is that not important in selecting a mate? Why is success considered a bad thing that someone should be ashamed to tell people? Getting an education, buying a home, saving, enjoying your career and being good at it - those are all things people should be proud of. IMO a person who is driven, accomplished, etc, needs a partner with the same values, especially if he's looking for a potential wife/mother to his future children. How should he go about getting that across in his profile IYO?
Why stop there? Why not list every award you've ever received in your life? Why not list the rate of return on your investments or that you can bench press 5 times your body weight? There are plenty of things you can and should be proud of. But a dating profile isn't a resume. If you list something, always ask why your reader needs to know. I'm proud that I got a raise last year, but I would never list that on a dating profile. Why would the reader care that I got a raise? As for looking for a partner with similar values, there's a much easier way of going about that. Just say "I'm looking for someone who's this, this, and that."
I responded in the other thread. I think you are just seeing women's profiles with rose colored glasses and men's profiles with critical glasses. I do not see what you see. At all.
What you intend and how people interpret it are two different things. If I wanted someone who had the same education level as me, I would just say so.
Why stop there? Why not list every award you've ever received in your life? Why not list the rate of return on your investments or that you can bench press 5 times your body weight? There are plenty of things you can and should be proud of. But a dating profile isn't a resume. If you list something, always ask why your reader needs to know. I'm proud that I got a raise last year, but I would never list that on a dating profile. Why would the reader care that I got a raise? As for looking for a partner with similar values, there's a much easier way of going about that. Just say "I'm looking for someone who's this, this, and that."
IMO, you can choose to perceive things in a negative way or in a positive way. I am online to meet people, and I'm not going to read into everything they say and come up with some judgment about them which may or may not be accurate, when I could just give the person the benefit of the doubt and talk to them and find out. IMO too many people dismiss too easily based on nothing but assumptions.
In terms of the "devoted single mother" again, I do not see this in the slightest as "trying to set herself apart". I see it as letting people know "this is who I am and what's important to me". Again, someone who likes to travel and go by the seat of their pants is NOT going to be a good fit for this woman, while a single dad who is equally devoted to his children might be a better fit and more understanding of how hard it is to juggle being a single parent and dating.
THAT is the whole purpose of the profile, telling people who you are so you are contacted by people with similar lifestyles. If it's off-putting to you to date a devoted single mother who has her children as her number one priority, and that kept you from writing her, then that the profile accomplished exactly what it is designed to do, keep from being contacted by men who are put off by her devotion to her children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Which is why I didn't see a need to state the obvious, that I have children. It's already apparent, for those who can read.
It just goes to show that different people like different things, or in this case, different approaches to dating profiles. I think a lot of things in profiles are cliche and boring. Many people are tired of seeing pictures of pets and listing their iPhone as their favorite thing, or one of five favorite things, but it's a vital object for many. Just like Jesus is many people's best friend. Seeing that in someone's profile would make me quickly exit the profile, but that rarely happened since the system did not match me with theists. But the occasional one would peep my profile. Some things I can see being very important, and sometimes overemphasizing those things can be send a different message and image. It's a matter of perception.
Both of these points assume that people not only read profiles, but they pay attention to what's written. So far, my latest stint on OKC is showing that not to be the case for the most part given how many messages I've received from men who do not fall within the parameters set for what I'm looking for and/or "you should message me if..." To me, it seems in some cases it's more a matter of "I've decided this is what I want, therefore, it doesn't matter what you do."
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