Disgusted by my boyfriends family (wife, marry, women, love)
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Recently, I reunited with my ex-boyfriend. I ended the relationship when I could not overcome our obstacles. He closed himself off after the passing of his father and became mean and bitter. Then my mother became ill and I was overloaded with stress from my job. A year after, he contacted me. We missed each other and reminisced on how much fun we had together. So, we thought about giving it another try.
While he was away on a job assignment for a few months, his eldest sister checked on his home. Unfortunately, she allowed their mother, aunt and youngest sister with a child to move into his one bedroom apartment. When he returned, he told me he had them move out. I had sympathy, because I figured they had nowhere to go. He simply said, they are all adults and are responsible for their own actions. And, he gave them notice to move prior to his return.
I went to help him clean. His home was completely trashed. The windows were almost glued shut with bed sheets for curtains and a smell worse than death. His poor little dog they attempted to care for, had dried feces in the corner and there were used baby diapers in bags. I cannot image how three women with a child could possibly live like that.
Outside of his disgusting family... what is the problem?
While I visited to help clean, he left for an appointment. His youngest sister came over, which I had not met. When she came in, I had no idea whom she was. But, soon figured it out when she opened the door with her key and pushed her stroller in with her child. She did not say one word. When I asked who she was, she said with an attitude, I'M FAMILY! So, I introduced myself and she said with more attitude, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! She put her child on the sofa, laid back, turned on the TV and had an attitude. So, I went to text my boyfriend, and she said with more attitude, HE KNOWS I'M HERE! With all of her attitude, and not knowing what is going on, I decided to leave. Then, she followed me out the door and slammed the gate to let me know to not return.
Immediately, I called my boyfriend to let him know what happened and how I felt disrespected after trying to help him in his situation. I let him know, I am not tolerating this type of behavior from his sister and will not return to his home until he resolves these issues. He said he will talk to her but I had not heard back from him. I felt as if she was mad at me because he kicked her out. I later found out that, he allowed her to come over to drop off her son because she had to work. But, she showed up earlier than expected.
With this being a second attempt at our failed relationship, I am doubting if it is even worth working on. Because of his two failed marriages, I believe his family does not respect his relationship decisions. I am having a hard time trying to imagine having them as potential in-laws. Should I call it quits or try and work it out?
Oh my. That's is a tough shot to make. From where I'm sitting, his family views you as a threat to their being able to use him and tap his resources. Looks like baby sister was letting you know to "stay in your place", so to speak. Wanted you to know you're down on the pecking order. She's FAMILY and that means she can brush you aside at will. Yep, my exes family is like that. With people like them, you will always be an outsider with no say. Even if he was living with you, in YOUR house, they would still act that way. Even if you were his wife, you would still be a third rate person to them.
You can give it a shot, BUT, he needs to flat lay down the law with them, and stick by his guns. Even if that means cutting ties if they won't respect his boundaries. Will he love you enough to do that? Will YOU be his world and love? Or will he allow his family to dictate his life, especially where YOU are concerned? If that's a big if and big doubts exist, it won't work.
Best sit him down and spell it out. Don't be confrontational, but do be solid in your convictions. If be gets mad, defends his family for treating you like this and in any remote way tries to spin it back on you, leave that hide on the critter as mangy and u usable, and find a better place to look for better. Good luck. Sincerely, da plumber guy.
You can give it a shot, BUT, he needs to flat lay down the law with them, and stick by his guns. Even if that means cutting ties if they won't respect his boundaries. Will he love you enough to do that? Will YOU be his world and love? Or will he allow his family to dictate his life, especially where YOU are concerned? If that's a big if and big doubts exist, it won't work.
Recently, I reunited with my ex-boyfriend. I ended the relationship when I could not overcome our obstacles. He closed himself off after the passing of his father and became mean and bitter. Then my mother became ill and I was overloaded with stress from my job. A year after, he contacted me. We missed each other and reminisced on how much fun we had together. So, we thought about giving it another try.
While he was away on a job assignment for a few months, his eldest sister checked on his home. Unfortunately, she allowed their mother, aunt and youngest sister with a child to move into his one bedroom apartment. When he returned, he told me he had them move out. I had sympathy, because I figured they had nowhere to go. He simply said, they are all adults and are responsible for their own actions. And, he gave them notice to move prior to his return.
I went to help him clean. His home was completely trashed. The windows were almost glued shut with bed sheets for curtains and a smell worse than death. His poor little dog they attempted to care for, had dried feces in the corner and there were used baby diapers in bags. I cannot image how three women with a child could possibly live like that.
Outside of his disgusting family... what is the problem?
While I visited to help clean, he left for an appointment. His youngest sister came over, which I had not met. When she came in, I had no idea whom she was. But, soon figured it out when she opened the door with her key and pushed her stroller in with her child. She did not say one word. When I asked who she was, she said with an attitude, I'M FAMILY! So, I introduced myself and she said with more attitude, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! She put her child on the sofa, laid back, turned on the TV and had an attitude. So, I went to text my boyfriend, and she said with more attitude, HE KNOWS I'M HERE! With all of her attitude, and not knowing what is going on, I decided to leave. Then, she followed me out the door and slammed the gate to let me know to not return.
Immediately, I called my boyfriend to let him know what happened and how I felt disrespected after trying to help him in his situation. I let him know, I am not tolerating this type of behavior from his sister and will not return to his home until he resolves these issues. He said he will talk to her but I had not heard back from him. I felt as if she was mad at me because he kicked her out. I later found out that, he allowed her to come over to drop off her son because she had to work. But, she showed up earlier than expected.
With this being a second attempt at our failed relationship, I am doubting if it is even worth working on. Because of his two failed marriages, I believe his family does not respect his relationship decisions. I am having a hard time trying to imagine having them as potential in-laws. Should I call it quits or try and work it out?
I'd have to say, "family" like that would be a huge red flag for me - entitled, angry, nasty, dirty - yeah, no thanks.
He showed real promise though by his understanding that they are adults and responsible for their own actions/lives when he told them they'd have to leave.
It could be he just needs time to make those boundaries with him more solid.
I think what I'd do is back way off -tell him to call you when he's worked out all his family issues and maybe you'll be free to spend some time seeing where things go for you two.
But do take your time - don't be in a hurry to get back into this relationship.
Oh my. That's is a tough shot to make. From where I'm sitting, his family views you as a threat to their being able to use him and tap his resources. Looks like baby sister was letting you know to "stay in your place", so to speak. Wanted you to know you're down on the pecking order. She's FAMILY and that means she can brush you aside at will. Yep, my exes family is like that. With people like them, you will always be an outsider with no say. Even if he was living with you, in YOUR house, they would still act that way. Even if you were his wife, you would still be a third rate person to them.
You can give it a shot, BUT, he needs to flat lay down the law with them, and stick by his guns. Even if that means cutting ties if they won't respect his boundaries. Will he love you enough to do that? Will YOU be his world and love? Or will he allow his family to dictate his life, especially where YOU are concerned? If that's a big if and big doubts exist, it won't work.
Best sit him down and spell it out. Don't be confrontational, but do be solid in your convictions. If be gets mad, defends his family for treating you like this and in any remote way tries to spin it back on you, leave that hide on the critter as mangy and u usable, and find a better place to look for better. Good luck. Sincerely, da plumber guy.
excellent advice here. you need to sit your boyfriend down, and law down the law in regards to his family and the way they treat you. let him know that he needs to change the locks in his apartment so they cant just walk in anytime they please. if he refuses to do this, then walk away it wont get any better, in fact it may get worse.
Let's see if I understand this. He invited you over to clean his pigsty of a house and then he left you there to clean while he went off to do whatever, expecting to come home to a house that had been cleaned for him?
His slob sister mosied in and flopped down to watch you clean while she did nothing to help?
You do know that you get the whole family, right? Those slobs come with the package.
Personally, I've never been too keen on being anyone's unpaid housekeeper. There is a thread about the care and feeding of monkeys over on the non-romantic relationships sub forum. I suggest that you go over and read it. Really think hard about whether you want a lifetime of caring for and feeding that monkey, because that is what you are considering signing on for.
They will always treat you poorly, and you will always expect him to "deal with it" when he won't (and if he tried, HE wouldn't be able to change them).
When you marry someone, you marry their family. The same can be said with a divorced person with a child - they will most likely have the other parent to deal with, and it WILL affect you.
I say that you should cut your losses. It may be the best thing you do for yourself.
Thanks to everyone replying with your much needed advice. @oregonwoodsmoke... I totally agree to not being someones housekeeper. I offered to assist cleaning, not clean for him. Passive aggressive is a tendency I am not fond of. However, I try and think before responding. That's why I left before having an all out war with his sister.
But, to answer your questions at best... he left for a doctors appointment and returned to finish cleaning. He did not tell me his sister was coming because he believed I would be gone before she arrived. Unfortunately, she arrived early to drop off her child with him and other relatives were to pick up and watch the child while she is at work.
As for the slob package. O.o Yikes! I believe in organization and keeping things tidy. So, this is beyond me. I did tell him this type of behavior I will not allow. Will he stand up for me? Will he defend his family of slobs? Only time will tell. I will keep you posted with his response.
Last edited by Sadie_Blu; 06-20-2014 at 08:55 PM..
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