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I have been with my boyfriend for five years and marriage is definitely on the table. One issue I do have is his relationship with his family. His dad was killed in Iraq a few years back and now his mom is remarrying. My boyfriend has completely turned on her and refers to her as a ***** and think's that she's replacing and emotionally discarding his dad. He refuses to even acknowledge her as his mother. He also turned on his siblings because they support her remarriage. I want him to reconcile with his mom because she's a wonderful woman and I don't want our kids to be kept way from their grandmother. What should I do?
You could tell him how selfish he's being. He's mother loved his father. But with him gone, she was more hurt than anyone. She lost a lover. She's known him longer and bonded to him in ways he and his siblings never have. So, he'd be silly to think she didn't care.
However, she met another nice man whom she can love, and be close to. Because while she has kids, it's not the same as a lover, and she probably is lonely not having that companionship anymore.
Spouses/Lovers are the closest bond, over siblings, children and friends.
My mother left my father once. And I stayed with him. But he always came to me upset, and crying. Sure I was there, but I don't compare to his wife.
My brother is engaged, and he probably loves me lol but I don't compare to his fiance, who knows him better and was closer to him than I ever was.
You have to explain that to him. Of course his mother cared, but her life has to go on. She can't just shut down and never love again because her husband died.
His father isn't being replaced. His mother is only available because she's a widow. If he were still around, she'd still be with him.
So, for a grown man who wants to get married, he sounds immature. it's not like his mother cheated on his father.
Explain your situation to him. That he has the joy of love with a woman he plans to marry, and will have his own children. but he wants his mother to never feel that happiness again, and to stay and live her life alone with nobody else to love, or be loved, in that way. Because he won't always be around. He and his siblings will have their own lives, and maybe own families, and she's just by herself.
It reminds me of my brother, and I still get angry thinking about it.
His fiance wanted to set me up with a guy they work with. And his words were I "don't need to meet anybody."
That was very selfish and made me very angry. My mother found it funny. But, I would like to find love and be in love, and have someone love me, and put me 1st for a change, because everyone around me is married, so I am 2nd at best on everyone's list, 3rd at best for my brother. And I will meet someone later, probably when I move. But the fact my brother just outright thinks I should never have a boyfriend, despite the fact we are not close, and he has an entire family, while wanting his sister to be a spinster, just screams being selfish.
Last edited by HappyRain; 06-19-2014 at 07:52 PM..
You could tell him how selfish he's being. He's mother loved his father. But with him gone, she was more hurt than anyone. She lost a lover. She's known him longer and bonded to him in ways he and his siblings never have. So, he'd be silly to think she didn't care.
However, she met another nice man whom she can love, and be close to. Because while she has kids, it's not the same as a lover, and she probably is lonely not having that companionship anymore.
Spouses/Lovers are the closest bond, over siblings, children and friends.
My mother left my father once. And I stayed with him. But he always came to me upset, and crying. Sure I was there, but I don't compare to his wife.
My brother is engaged, and he probably loves me lol but I don't compare to his fiance, who knows him better and was closer to him than I ever was.
You have to explain that to him. Of course his mother cared, but her life has to go on. She can't just shut down and never love again because her husband died.
His father isn't being replaced. His mother is only available because she's a widow. If he were still around, she'd still be with him.
So, for a grown man who wants to get married, he sounds immature. it's not like his mother cheated on his father.
Explain your situation to him. That he has the joy of love with a woman he plans to marry, and will have his own children. but he wants his mother to never feel that happiness again, and to stay and live her life alone with nobody else to love, or be loved, in that way. Because he won't always be around. He and his siblings will have their own lives, and maybe own families, and she's just by herself.
It reminds me of my brother, and I still get angry thinking about it.
His fiance wanted to set me up with a guy they work with. And his words were I "don't need to meet anybody."
That was very selfish and made me very angry. My mother found it funny. But, I would like to find love and be in love, and have someone love me, and put me 1st for a change, because everyone around me is married, so I am 2nd at best on everyone's list, 3rd at best for my brother. And I will meet someone later, probably when I move. But the fact my brother just outright thinks I should never have a boyfriend, despite the fact we are not close, and he has an entire family, while wanting his sister to be a spinster, just screams being selfish.
Good luck. He sounds like a tough cookie to crack. So, he may not listen, and if he does, he probably still won't see it, or buy anything I said.
But I wish you luck. if he doesn't, you may have to give up the children's grandmother, or tell him you still wanna see his mom, and you want the kids to see her, and if he can't handle it, you may have to leave if he's going to be that stubborn and close-minded.
All you can do is explain to him that if you have kids you would like their grandmother to be a part of their lives.
Are you engaged yet? Is having kids something that's going to happen within the year? Why not try to let time heal this wound?
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All you can do is explain to him that if you have kids you would like their grandmother to be a part of their lives.
Are you engaged yet? Is having kids something that's going to happen within the year? Why not try to let time heal this wound?
It's inevitable we both crack jokes about rings, baby names, grandchildren,etc. His dad was killed in an ambush in 2004, I think he won't really move on. I'm 28 and he is 29 and we basically have the understanding that we will be done with kids by the time I'm 35.
I have been with my boyfriend for five years and marriage is definitely on the table. One issue I do have is his relationship with his family. His dad was killed in Iraq a few years back and now his mom is remarrying. My boyfriend has completely turned on her and refers to her as a ***** and think's that she's replacing and emotionally discarding his dad. He refuses to even acknowledge her as his mother. He also turned on his siblings because they support her remarriage. I want him to reconcile with his mom because she's a wonderful woman and I don't want our kids to be kept way from their grandmother. What should I do?
You can't make him attend, it sounds like he needs counseling to get over his dad's death. One has to wonder if he's not really upset with the fact that he doesn't know how to deal with his dad's death when everyone else in the family has seem to accept it and have moved on. His dad certainly won't be forgotten by his siblings and his mother but his dad has been gone 10 years. It seems like his expectation for himself and his family is to mourn his father's death for the rest of their lives and that isn't realistic. His dad will never be replaced because he's irreplaceable but he has to come to terms with that, all you can do is try to help him understand.
I have been with my boyfriend for five years and marriage is definitely on the table. One issue I do have is his relationship with his family. His dad was killed in Iraq a few years back and now his mom is remarrying. My boyfriend has completely turned on her and refers to her as a ***** and think's that she's replacing and emotionally discarding his dad. He refuses to even acknowledge her as his mother. He also turned on his siblings because they support her remarriage. I want him to reconcile with his mom because she's a wonderful woman and I don't want our kids to be kept way from their grandmother. What should I do?
VanillaChocolate gave really good advice. Until he gets past this - you ought to put off marriage. You will go from having a selfish, self-centered boyfriend to a selfish, self-centered husband. He is unbelievably immature. His dad died a DECADE ago. Maybe he would have been happy if his mother had thrown herself in the grave and been buried with her husband? How stupid.
I would tell him marriage is off until he got counseling in order to handle his grief like an adult, rather than a spoiled child. I am glad that she has more mature children.
Only your boyfriend can ultimately work through the issues.
My MIL died a few years ago, and my husband's dad has since remarried. The remarriage has definitely changed their relationship and they are less close because of the behavior of my FIL's new wife.
I have mixed feelings as far as how the whole situation has played out, but I can't tell or mandate my husband to have certain feelings about it.
Only you can decide how you will proceed from here, but you can't make your BF have a relationship with his mom if the feelings aren't there.
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