Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Advertisements
The poster CCL mentioned in their recent thread a very commonly expressed sentiment. That they didn't want to "go too fast and have the relationship burn hot and then fizzle out".
I hear this all the time. I'm feeling a bit of it myself right now as I'm spending a tremendous amount of time (like 6 dates not including our first meeting) in two and a half weeks with someone I just met in the wild.
We all have, or I would think most of us have had, those relationships that were incredibly fast moving and passionate and crashed in burn in a week, a month, or a summer and then poof... it disappears as fast as it started.
My question is, if people in that situation purposely slow things down, and make them more deliberate, does the relationship have a better chance of lasting a long time and being stable? Or does it just mean it will last a little longer, if any longer, and be less hot and intense?
I've had the mindset that if these flings, or short term relationships burn out, they were going to end anyway, so enjoy them for what they are. Yeah, I may get hurt, but that is part of opening yourself up to passion and connection and it is a damn good tradeoff in my book.
I hope this thing I am just starting has some legs, but it very well may crash and burn, and I'd be bummed, but it sure is fun right now. I feel so very alive (and dead tired!), but does giving in to it really increase the chances of failure?
I think it's entirely dependent on the personalities involved. Some people, like me, can do passionate then as the relationship starts maturing, slow it down to a steady pace. Others can't live without that fire and once it burns out, they run. Love affairs are unpredictable beasts, you just have to climb on and enjoy the ride.
Why do you think it may be that situation with this new lady?
I've had a few connections that were magnetic, passionate, thrilling, etc., and they'd last for several weeks or many months. One relationship lasted about 9 months, and then we were on and off for a couple months later on. But when it ended, it ended. I won't lie or pretend that one didn't hurt... a lot. A great deal. Hell, more than my first marriage ending. And I knew in the back of my head that it wasn't going to be what I wanted it to be in the long term.
But, like you said, that's part of being open to these sort of possibilities, these connections, to see where they can take us, even if for a season rather than a lifetime.
As someone told me, some people come into our lives for a season (or two or three), and others for a lifetime. The one relationship, we went out on a Thursday evening, then Friday and Sunday. Then I saw him again, twice, the following week. It started off in much the same way you described. That was my first romance/relationship after reentering the dating scene, and I learned a great deal from the experience.
With my current husband, there was some distance for a couple weeks before I moved. But then we saw each quite a bit, starting the day after I made it into town. We moved quick, but it was somewhat different for me because I had already been through the magnetic/passionate/heavy romance, and experienced the aftermath of it coming to an end. So I was a bit more cautious, I think.
I can't really say whether hot and heavy/thrilling romances, or going "too fast" is a recipe for disaster or failure or not. I think it depends on the situation and people involved.
I think it's entirely dependent on the personalities involved. Some people, like me, can do passionate then as the relationship starts maturing, slow it down to a steady pace. Others can't live without that fire and once it burns out, they run. Love affairs are unpredictable beasts, you just have to climb on and enjoy the ride.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Why do you think it may be that situation with this new lady?
I think it could be. Not that it will be. It is always a possibility, and if it happens, it happens. That's fine. If it continues to go on (as long as it is healthy) that is good too.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna
I think it's entirely dependent on the personalities involved. Some people, like me, can do passionate then as the relationship starts maturing, slow it down to a steady pace. Others can't live without that fire and once it burns out, they run. Love affairs are unpredictable beasts, you just have to climb on and enjoy the ride.
Fair enough. That makes sense to me, but as I believe, in neither of these scenarios was going to fast, too early, a cause of failure. If I'm reading you correctly.
That is why the sentiment, when I hear it, bothers me. I tend not to think that the fast, passionate start was the reason for the ending.
Darn Timberline, you beat me to it. I was totally going to start the thread with a quote from Buffy, too.
I have to admit that in my situation, I'm not sure what approach will work. I'm also able to sustain a relationship that starts out passionate and then becomes something more steady, but it seems like a lot of men either aren't able to, or they get too scared by their feelings.
Personally I'd rather enjoy the connection, but I also don't want to risk going too fast, too soon.
It's so weird because I feel like the last time I dated, which was more than seven years ago before I met my now-ex, things seemed much easier. If you liked someone you spent time with them, and you didn't overthink everything. I don't know if it is because I am in my 30s now or because dating and social interactions have actually changed, but it seems like everyone is afraid these days of getting too attached. They don't just go with the flow anymore.
I think it's entirely dependent on the personalities involved. Some people, like me, can do passionate then as the relationship starts maturing, slow it down to a steady pace. Others can't live without that fire and once it burns out, they run. Love affairs are unpredictable beasts, you just have to climb on and enjoy the ride.
Oooh I like that last sentence. If only everyone thought like that.
My question is, if people in that situation purposely slow things down, and make them more deliberate, does the relationship have a better chance of lasting a long time and being stable? Or does it just mean it will last a little longer, if any longer, and be less hot and intense?
I've had the mindset that if these flings, or short term relationships burn out, they were going to end anyway, so enjoy them for what they are. Yeah, I may get hurt, but that is part of opening yourself up to passion and connection and it is a damn good tradeoff in my book.
No matter what, the intensity will probably diminish over time. The newness wears off as you get to know each other better. One reason to slow things down a bit is to see just how anxious you are to spend time together AND to figure out just what it is you look forward to. If sex is already going on, that can cloud your thinking. If the relationship fizzles out, then it just wasn't meant to be.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
No matter what, the intensity will probably diminish over time. The newness wears off as you get to know each other better. One reason to slow things down a bit is to see just how anxious you are to spend time together AND to figure out just what it is you look forward to. If sex is already going on, that can cloud your thinking. If the relationship fizzles out, then it just wasn't meant to be.
Sure, true enough. But what exactly is gained by slowing down? I'm not clear on that. You're slowing down on the hot, passionate sex. That doesn't sound like a positive. And yeah, if you do and clear your mind a bit and realize it wasn't meant to be you can end it earlier... and have had less hot sex.
This is what I'm missing in the premise. I don't see the benefit, only a downside.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
