I'm not the best person to offer advice as I don't have a lot of experience with dating and relationships in general. I've only had one serious relationship which is my husband of 15 years but I wanted to say I understand where you're coming from.
We have a few things in common. We're both Asian women in a relationship with a Caucasian man. We both left home at a young age - I was 16. And I have a temper as well though it's nowhere near as bad as it was in my 20s - I'm 36 now.
My husband does not like confrontations so when we fought he would leave the room or the house altogether until I have calmed down. That would have been ok except he would then act as if the fight never occurred while I could not stop thinking about it but to avoid another fight I would keep it bottled up......and then explode, usually over something minor.
I once blocked him from leaving the bedroom just as you did. At this point I had been up for 3 days/nights because unlike him I could not sleep or function normally when there are unresolved issues. He threw me on the bed as well and I became violent in response though I didn't hurt him. Kind of hard to hurt someone more than twice your size. He called the cops and they made me leave the house to cool off.
I was even angrier that he involved a third party in what should have remained our private affairs but after the anger went away I realized I did not like what I was becoming. There must be something wrong with me and us if we couldn't work things out like mature and responsible adults. I felt terrible and was even more upset at myself than what the fight was about.
Neither one of us are violent people. This has never happened before. I have a temper but I've never tried to physically hurt someone especially not someone I planned to spend the rest of my life with.
I went home the next morning and he was waiting for me. Apparently he didn't sleep either and was feeling just as guilty. He has never laid a hand on anyone before and he felt he had no excuse for starting now regardless of what I did. He was genuinely remorseful as was I.
We had a long conversation and he suggested couples counseling. I declined because I cannot open up to strangers about the intimate details of my/our life. I still feel that way. You might find that ironic since I'm doing that now but for me it's not the same because you're anonymous online.
Most people would advise we part ways but I felt just like you. I had invested too much in him to see it fail. Yes we had a few issues but most relationships do, maybe not as severe but what happened with us was a one time occurrence. If it had been a common occurrence we both would have walked.
I did get a prescription for my depression. My cousin is a doctor so I was able to get a prescription without seeing a counselor and we're not close so she didn't pry for details of my life. I think she prescribed effexor. It was a long time ago so I am not 100% sure.
I have to say it worked like a charm. I was happier and did not lose my temper so easily. I used this time of feeling better to read up on anger management and practiced the techniques I felt comfortable with. Whenever I feel my temper starting to rise I stop what I'm doing and isolate myself for however long I need to calm down (usually an hour or two). Only after I feel I am completely rational would I attempt to continue the discussion.
Sometimes I start to get angry again and when this happens we agreed to continue a week later. We actually make a date for this so it doesn't get swept under the rug. And he stopped leaving the room until the issue was resolved, we agreed to disagree or we had a date to discuss later.
I stopped the meds after 6 months without any side effects and we have never had another incident since. We still have arguemebts but they are very rare and it has never escalated to violence not even raised voices.
I don't know the details of your relationship aside from what you've shared but I tried to put myself in your shoes to see what I would do. His leaving the house without telling you might be annoying if it happened frequently but would not be much of an issue for me.
Does he only do this with his daughter? If so maybe you can make a habbit of asking what his plans are the night before or the morning of so you're not surprised. Perhaps you can take the initiative to plan your weekends but make sure it is something his daughter can be included in as well. It would be harder for him to leave without telling you if you had plans, I hope.
His unfavorable comparison of you and his ex would not sit well with me either but there are people that do this and think nothing of it. My mother was one. She loved her first husband who passed away from some mysterious illness. Whenever she noticed something my dad did that she felt her first husband did better she would make the comparison aloud and thought my dad nuts for being jealous especially of a dead person.
You've already told him how it makes you feel yet he continues to do it. Next time give him a dose of the same. What's good for the goose is good for the gander! You don't have to be cruel about it. Say for example he tells you he wishes you cooked as well as his ex. Here's an example of how you can respond:
Start with something nice so he doesn't know what you're trying to do.
"Well, if you can get her to write down the recipe's of your favorite dishes I'm sure I can learn and improve."
Then make your own comparison but keep it positive.
Speaking of exes, that reminds me. I ran into an ex from college today and I can't believe how much he's changed! He used to be overweight but you'd never know it. He must have lost 100lbs, he looks amazing! He works out 5 days a week and man does it show!
Babe, I really wish you would eat healthier or be more active. I am concerned about your health. I've noticed you are putting on quite a bit of weight and if not for health issues I wouldn't bring it up. I like my men on the chubby side. More to love and all
.
If you return the favor everytime he compares you to his ex I can almost guarantee that he will eventually get the picture and stop. And you can mix it up by using other men for your comparisons. It doesn't have to be an ex. If he gets upset ask him why?
"But sweetie, you always compare me to your ex so why would you get upset when I do the same?"
Lastly he's an ass for dragging a child into the midst of your arguements but that's pretty easy to avoid. Just don't argue when she's around. She's only there on weekends and some holidays/school breaks so surely you can hold back until she leaves.
My elderly MIL lives with us and even though she has Alzheimer's and can't remember what you say 2 mins after I would still be uncomfortable argueing in front of her.
I'm not going to tell you to leave. Only you can make that decision. All relationships takes work and compromise. Mine isn't perfect but I am happy we both stuck it out. Whatever you decide I wish you luck!
P.S.
Sorry for the novel.
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