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Like rego~ suggested finding outside intervention for her might be worth a try,
though by the sound of it, you don't have much love left for this woman...
So it may be tactical to first get her helped and then do the split...
Just make sure you aren't registered somewhere the alimony concept is still at large...
And then pray that the money from those two actions don't render him broke. Talk to family members and maybe have them get involved, whether it's coercing her to be more alert about time, or coming up with other strategies to making it to work on time.
I am a temporary SAHM because it suits my family better and we move for my husbands job often. I don't make money, but I do work very hard at home. We are lucky to be able to live on one income comfortably.
You will not be able to force her to work or be more responsible about working. If she is not adult enough to pull her own weight when you are struggling, then she needs parameters to guide her.
if you still love her and want to make your marriage work...
I suggest having a joint checking account and a separate one for yourself. Pay the bills from your account and give her a budget and put that amount in the joint checking account. When the money is gone, it's gone. If she wants to work to provide more income, then she will do that.
I would have an honest discussion with her about how you want to save for a house and that you will both have to make sacrifices since she is not working. I suggest cutting down on your expenses and actively saving.
Cell phones, cable, eating out, etc... Are all luxuries. Cut your expenses to the basics. Do the grocery shopping if she can't keep to a budget.
If she finds improvement with professional help, regardless of what "problem or issue" the assessments find, the next step would be marriage counseling. Living with a spouse that has this type of struggle, whether she is benefiting from treatment or not, would be a huge challenge. He deserves support. The relationship would need lots of healing. Sometimes the healing in the relationship cannot go anywhere until personal healing has begun though.
1w0n, No one should ever slap a diagnosis on anyone. Symptoms are only that, symptoms. Worthy professionals would never slap a dx on anyone. I honor you for moving forward in your life and protecting yourself and your future.
Make her responsible for buying her own stuff with her own money. Wants her nails done, new clothes, etc? Nope, not until she pays for it with money she earned, not yours. You aren't her parent, she's a big girl, quit enabling her.
Mom married a real loser. He wasn't working when we met him, has had probably 20 jobs in less than 8 years, was fired by nearly all for being incompetant, lazy and where he misrepresented his skills. He inherited some money, blew through that, been on unemployment off and on, but cannot keep a job. Mom doesn't see that he's used her, gotten rid of almost all her personal things, moved him into HER place, then into an old run down house he never worked work because of the inheritance. Buys clothes to make as though he's worth more than he is which is next to nothing. Has bad credit. He does some carpetry work and its always terrible work, takes forever to get done and the end product is crappy. Relatives keep giving them financial help because of her, NOT him. She still doesn't get it. None of the relatives care for him really. He didn't pay support of his own kids (from which he was never married), choosing to skip jobs. He's a loudmouth, short, not particulary good looking. Mom has fallen for his crap over and over and we just want him out of our lives as much as hers. I've only list a small small amount of problems with this guy. What to do??
Make her responsible for buying her own stuff with her own money. Wants her nails done, new clothes, etc? Nope, not until she pays for it with money she earned, not yours. You aren't her parent, she's a big girl, quit enabling her.
Some adults just aren't very smart though.
No ones enabling these people, we are simply trying
to keep them from irreparably messing up their
lives.
This. Sounds like she has issues. Counseling is in order. Chronic lateness is a form of self-sabotaging. She needs to get to the root of that.
This. If you want a future, get to the root of what is causing her to put up her own stumbling blocks like this. With most people, it's more complex than just being lazy or a loser. Oftentimes, it's rooted in anxiety of depression. Attention span issues can be an issue, but given that your SO was able to complete a master's degree, it's evident that she, at some point at least, had the wherewithal to attend to seeing a goal through to completion. Has something changed since then and made her discouraged? Feeling discouraged, disillusioned, or defeated can tip off massive forays into self-sabotage.
She sounds much like one of my very good friends, who has been a default homemaker for years. Not because she necessarily wants to be a homemaker, but because she has some issues that cause her to self-sabotage again and again whenever employment opportunities present themselves. At heart, in her case, I believe it is extreme anxiety about failing at something, so she'll take herself out of the running before she has a chance to fail. Then it's a big vicious cycle, because each job that she bails on or loses makes her that much less sure of herself in the future, so the self-sabotage continues. There are reasons she's this way, but they need to be dealt with. Her husband passively enables her, but I would say, even observing as an outsider, it's taken a toll on their marriage.
Some people may think less because I gave up on my marriage, but in truth, I did much more than most men would do. I just did it quickly, and didn't wait another 10 years or more. IMO, if it's done, I'd live in a car to be done with a crappy marriage. All it does is create unhealthy living conditions, and sometimes you already know, so don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. You're the one married to her, is it worth the added work, or not? For me, once I had that 115 lb tumor removed, my life got so much better.
I don't think less of you, in fact, I dated a girl who had the same issues OP described. I loved her in many ways, but I couldn't shake the notion that marriage with this type of person would be difficult and that I might even come to hate her.
I broke up with her and now that I'm thinking clearly, really feel that I dodged a bullet, sometimes I sit back in my chair, close my eyes and smile because of it.
To the OP - I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything much you can do unless it hits rock bottom. Therapy, couples counseling, etc. are all great but I honestly believe that people who are like this kind of WANT to be like this - it's either brain chemistry or something, I just don't know.
Good luck to you though, once the kids turn 18, maybe that's the time to think of the 'alternative' route.
I don't think less of you, in fact, I dated a girl who had the same issues OP described. I loved her in many ways, but I couldn't shake the notion that marriage with this type of person would be difficult and that I might even come to hate her.
I broke up with her and now that I'm thinking clearly, really feel that I dodged a bullet, sometimes I sit back in my chair, close my eyes and smile because of it.
To the OP - I'm sorry, but I don't think there's anything much you can do unless it hits rock bottom. Therapy, couples counseling, etc. are all great but I honestly believe that people who are like this kind of WANT to be like this - it's either brain chemistry or something, I just don't know.
Good luck to you though, once the kids turn 18, maybe that's the time to think of the 'alternative' route.
No one "wants"to be in a bad situation in life. Sometimes
we have situations outside of our control that plays our
hands into that choice in life.
You never know why she has employment issues
1. Maybe she is weird socially to other people
2. Maybe she lives in a bad area where jobs are hard to
come by
3. Maybe she don't have a car that's needed to get to and
from work.
I feel badly that you are in this situation. I have dealt with this. I got out of a 7 year relationship with a woman who had 6 jobs while I was with her. Some she quit, some she got fired, all were short lived 6 month stints or less. She would, like your wife, call in sick for very minor things all the time. When she did go in, she was always late. She also was always blaming her supervisors, like everyone of them "didn't like" or even "hated" her and her supervisor (which was a woman most of the time) always had a clique of friends that she was excluded from. It was never her fault. Does yours do this?
Also, she would try to get me to call in with her so we could spend the day together. I missed more days in that timeframe than all other years combined. Does yours do this? I was raised like you, to have a good work ethic and take two maybe 3 sick days a year.
The last straw was when she just barely somehow got a job at a really good company (financial) and then a month later wanted to go with her mom to China because it was the "trip of a lifetime" So I asked her "what about your new job?" She answered "I will quit and get a different job when we come back" Mind you I had just put up with 7 months of solely supporting her and all bills since the last job dump. I wasn't going to go through it again. And whoa, she wanted me to take off all 15 days of my vacation and foot my own bill to go with her (her mom was covering most of her cost). That wasn't going to happen.
I am sorry to say this was when I was done with the relationship. We stayed together for another 2 or 3 months. She didn't go, but I had already checked out.
I think your situation is rockier and harder since you are married and with kids. I really do not know what you are going to do but if I was in that situation, I would start lining up my ducks for a divorce. Maybe I am projecting, but she is basically a dependent. Let me ask you this. Does it feel like you are in the middle of a lake trying to swim to shore but she is grabbing onto you and pushing your head under over and over again? Because that is what it felt like to me. She was dragging us both down, and even though that is not what I said to her when we splt, that is exactly how I felt.
I wish you the best of luck, I really do. I feel like you will drown under this burden if you don't become more proactive about securing yourself and even your children from someone who may not be able to save even herself let alone not become a burden on your family.
***EDIT- I see this is an old post, maybe these posts will help someone else and maybe the OP can let us know what he did and how his situation is today***
Last edited by Silver8ack; 11-21-2014 at 04:48 PM..
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