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I was madly in love with my boyfriend for the first year a half or 2 years of our relationship. Then, I found out he was not completely honest with me about some things. It has affected our relationship greatly. I trust him in that he isn't going to cheat, he's good to me, etc....but that "in love" feeling has dissipated. I see glimmers every great once in a while of it. Which gives me hope, and also, I am 38 and I know that relationships are hard work and it's hard to find someone who's compatible that you can get along with. My conundrum- stay with him for another year, 2 years, whatever, see how it goes, or cut it now and try to find my soulmate. I'm afraid I will regret breaking up with him. But on the other hand, I don't want to feel like I am losing more time to a relationship that I won't want anyway in the long term. (I have really only had 1 other relationship in my life, and when it ended I was regretful I didn't end it 3 years earlier.)
Here's basically our main problems: I do have a trust issue with a couple small things with him. I prefer not to talk about the main one. He is working on it and we haven't had any issues with it in a while. It's just that he broke that trust- that whole trust I had in him. It made me view him in a different light.
Here's the other one I would LOVE to hear feedback on: He has women friends. I'm ok with that. They call/text only on occasion. I understand. He told me up front. Here's the issue- he developed this friendship with this woman while we were together AND DIDN'T TELL ME. I had to see/hear her name and question him about it, which he was honest when questioned. Now, she is NOT attractive, totally not his type, I am not worried about that. It is the fact that he kept it from me that kills me. He said it happened slowly and he didn't want it to be an issue. But I can't seem to get over it. Some days she calls him and I am fine and some days it evokes rage within me. Plus, she calls/texts almost every day which to me seems excessive. Once or twice a week seems to be about average among friends I have and have questioned. Should I just learn to get over this???
Unless you get trust back it's all but gone and done.
Slow process...
You look as though you have way too many limitations on what you need that he doesn't do for you....that doesn't sound like love, that sounds like projecting.
I do trust him in most areas...it is mostly just the one area that needs work. I trust he won't cheat, be good to me, etc. I do love him!!!! A lot!!! I'm just not sure about being "in love"....
In every relationship, there is an initial 'in love' phase where you are blind to each other's faults, and then a 'negotiation' phase when you are able to see the faults and you try to work out ways to deal with them.
The same thing will happen with your 'soulmate'. The first phase does not go on forever.
It does come back, though, off and on throughout your relationship. First, you have to work out all the kinks. That's the phase you are in right now.
One thing you need to do is figure out if your jealousy is unreasonable, and is something you need to work on in yourself, or whether it is your intuition telling you something is wrong. What is your history with this feeling? Have you felt it in other relationships? Did there turn out to be anything to it?
Here's basically our main problems: I do have a trust issue with a couple small things with him. I prefer not to talk about the main one. He is working on it and we haven't had any issues with it in a while. It's just that he broke that trust- that whole trust I had in him. It made me view him in a different light.
Well if you say you lost trust in him then it is very serious matter for you, you know trust is like a mirror which once broken will never be the same again, so if you say your trust is broken so that means it is 100% right now, it is up to you to decide if you are okay with this reduced trust that you have for him, I am not sure how much you trust him now but it's not looking good by the way you have put it. Remember no relationship can exist without trust.
Hence it is up to you to decide if you can still continue to trust him and you can work on the trust issues that you have, you need to talk with him, if you haven't done it so far but if that doesn't work then you'll have only one option that is to consider leaving him, there is no point in staying if you can't trust him.
However I would say don't conclude like that, if you love him try your best to trust him and work on it, this should be your last option.By the way you put your post it seems you love him a lot, so be positive and things will work out for you or at least hope so it does.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4Runnerfan
Here's the other one I would LOVE to hear feedback on: He has women friends. I'm ok with that. They call/text only on occasion. I understand. He told me up front. Here's the issue- he developed this friendship with this woman while we were together AND DIDN'T TELL ME. I had to see/hear her name and question him about it, which he was honest when questioned. Now, she is NOT attractive, totally not his type, I am not worried about that. It is the fact that he kept it from me that kills me. He said it happened slowly and he didn't want it to be an issue. But I can't seem to get over it. Some days she calls him and I am fine and some days it evokes rage within me. Plus, she calls/texts almost every day which to me seems excessive. Once or twice a week seems to be about average among friends I have and have questioned.
I'm thankful to any opinions on my situation!
No, certainly not, you don't deserve this. He should be honest with you and shouldn't hide anything from you, I understand that he is honest with you when questioned but that is not enough, that shows he doesn't respect you enough, if you have been honest with him beforehand, if you have never hidden anything from him then you deserve the same from him. Don't accept this behaviour of his, accepting this will only make him think that you are okay with this and it's like you are giving him a green signal to continue hiding things from you, and if he knows you'll accept it , he'll continue doing this and that will only make you unhappy in the long run.
It's not a good sign that she is calling/texting almost everyday, beware,be alert of what going around you, don't be too relaxed.
Hence bring it up to him softly, in a polite way, have a healthy conversation with him, don't get angry and tell him how this bothers you, communication is very important in relationships, it is also a sign of healthy relationships. Try to work out this issue.
So think and use your head and decide what you can do about it.
I am sure if he loves you, he'll understand.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4Runnerfan
Should I just learn to get over this???
No, please don't do that, be polite but assertive and talk to him about it.
I was madly in love with my boyfriend for the first year a half or 2 years of our relationship. Then, I found out he was not completely honest with me about some things. It has affected our relationship greatly. I trust him in that he isn't going to cheat, he's good to me, etc....but that "in love" feeling has dissipated. I see glimmers every great once in a while of it. Which gives me hope, and also, I am 38 and I know that relationships are hard work and it's hard to find someone who's compatible that you can get along with. My conundrum- stay with him for another year, 2 years, whatever, see how it goes, or cut it now and try to find my soulmate. I'm afraid I will regret breaking up with him. But on the other hand, I don't want to feel like I am losing more time to a relationship that I won't want anyway in the long term. (I have really only had 1 other relationship in my life, and when it ended I was regretful I didn't end it 3 years earlier.)
Here's basically our main problems: I do have a trust issue with a couple small things with him. I prefer not to talk about the main one. He is working on it and we haven't had any issues with it in a while. It's just that he broke that trust- that whole trust I had in him. It made me view him in a different light.
Here's the other one I would LOVE to hear feedback on: He has women friends. I'm ok with that. They call/text only on occasion. I understand. He told me up front. Here's the issue- he developed this friendship with this woman while we were together AND DIDN'T TELL ME. I had to see/hear her name and question him about it, which he was honest when questioned. Now, she is NOT attractive, totally not his type, I am not worried about that. It is the fact that he kept it from me that kills me. He said it happened slowly and he didn't want it to be an issue. But I can't seem to get over it. Some days she calls him and I am fine and some days it evokes rage within me. Plus, she calls/texts almost every day which to me seems excessive. Once or twice a week seems to be about average among friends I have and have questioned. Should I just learn to get over this???
I'm thankful to any opinions on my situation!
Your trust issue is YOUR issue, not his, IMO. Just because he met a woman and he didn't tell you about it? That is a little controlling.
It doesn't sound like this is just a bump in the road for you two. It sounds like whatever he did to break your trust is an issue you just can't overcome and that's okay. I think sometimes when trust is broken, then that's it. Things might not ever be the same. Whatever he did caused you to see him differently.
I can also tell you that looks don't mean anything when it comes to cheating. When I was married my now ex husband became best friends with a woman at work. At first I didn't think much of it. I'm not saying this out of bitterness or anger, but she is not a pretty woman. She's overweight, covered in piercings and tattoos, and her features are very masculine. Despite the level of contact between them I told myself there is no way he is ever going to cheat on me with someone so unattractive. She too was excessive in her contact. Daily texting, Facebook messages, and they hung out quite frequently. Listen to your gut. If his friendship with her or any other woman is making you uncomfortable then there's probably a reason for that. If he loves you and you are his priority he will listen to your feelings and do whatever he can to make sure you feel comfortable. I think that he felt he had to hide his friendship from you is a huge red flag. People who aren't doing anything wrong don't feel the need to hide.
Trust me, it is much better to start over again than to continue to waste time with someone you don't trust. My now ex husband is married to his coworker - the one I thought he would never ever cheat with. Anything is possible and no relationship can be happy without 100% trust in the other person. Get out now!
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
She's overweight, covered in piercings and tattoos, and her features are very masculine. Despite the level of contact between them I told myself there is no way he is ever going to cheat on me with someone so unattractive.
Sorry for your situation, but this is just telling what so many of us say over and over. The attractive part of people isn't always about the physical. There have been several times in my life where I found myself incredibly attracted and turned on by people that were objectively not all that good looking. Looks/physical beauty and attractiveness are different. They just are.
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