Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That is one thing I find very frustrating. I would like to do more talking on email and on the phone before meeting in person… But it seems that the guys after talking on the phone and decide that they like my personality they immediately immediately want to meet in person. Almost as if they are making sure that I look like my pictures. And then when meeting me seem pleasantly surprised and the start making overtures that are rather domineering/controlling which I find alarming since this is after the FIRST MEETING. Then when I politely deflect attempts to control (suggest) things they don't even respond to any future text. Rather rude so good riddance.
However. What if I really liked one... I don't want to come off the wrong way...
The fact that they're pushing for a first meeting before you're ready tells you they're domineering/controlling. Stand your ground and just say you prefer to get to know people a little by email before meeting in person. If they don't like that, or get manipulative or rude or demanding, call the whole thing quits. Just say, "You know, I don't think this is going to work out. Thank you for contacting me/responding/whatever, though". Get used to drawing boundaries and keeping them. That's a crucial skill in dating, where you're opening yourself up to meeting strangers. Listen to your gut feelings if something feels "off" at any stage. Develop a relationship with that little voice inside. It's a survival skill.
Now practice those two things with your next batch of OLD contacts: drawing/keeping boundaries, and listening to your inner voice/gut feeling. And being politely assertive, the 3rd skill. If someone gets angry because you don't like his pushiness, so be it. You have the right to stay safe and to see or not see whoever you want. Keep telling yourself that.
Okay. I guess I just need to relax. I got divorced and of course ex told me no one would find me attractive or want to be bothered with me... So I guess I'm getting s little nervous.
Wow, your ex don't sound like a very nice person. I sure hope you don't believe any of that crap, that's what he wants you to believe about yourself. Just don't try too hard to prove him wrong by ending up with another guy like him. Take your time and sort through things, you will be just fine. Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out.
Wow, your ex don't sound like a very nice person. I sure hope you don't believe any of that crap, that's what he wants you to believe about yourself. Just don't try too hard to prove him wrong by ending up with another guy like him. Take your time and sort through things, you will be just fine. Best of luck to you and I hope everything works out.
Take LOTS of time! You're just getting your training wheels right now. It's a process, a big learning curve and a long process. Besides, it could be months before you find someone you get along with, so there's no hurry.
Okay. I guess my new reality of being alone is setting in. Not really used to being in my own.
And thank you newbie poster.... Your post is the best advice for me. I have trouble standing my ground and feel a little unsure now that I'm for the first time setting boundaries.
I'm naturally a easy going (okay submissive) type. But I don't want to make the same mistakes again.
But I would like companionship and .... Etc.
I'm starting to get a little worried.
Those guys were not a good fit. So I'm really fine. I'm just getting worried that what if I meet someone who I really do like... Am I doing something to turn them off...
Huh? It doesn't sound like you are turning them off. It sounds like they are turning you off! Do you really want to see those jerks again?
If your husband was domineering, you are going to continue to gravitate towards domineering men. Have you considered counseling to help with that self esteem issue? And read this book http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dange.../dp/0897934474
And yes, you should try to meet a man within a week of making contact. Men generally don't like to talk on the phone. You really have nothing to gain by waiting.
You have a long road ahead of you. Some of us have been doing this for years!
Huh? It doesn't sound like you are turning them off. It sounds like they are turning you off! Do you really want to see those jerks again?
If your husband was domineering, you are going to continue to gravitate towards domineering men. Have you considered counseling to help with that self esteem issue? And read this book http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Dange.../dp/0897934474
And yes, you should try to meet a man within a week of making contact. Men generally don't like to talk on the phone. You really have nothing to gain by waiting.
You have a long road ahead of you. Some of us have been doing this for years!
Wow.... I've never considered that I would attract and be attracted to domineering men. I just figured that my marriage choice was a fluke. But living like that for so long... I'm sure I've adapted (or maladapted).
I do need to get into counseling to prevent this. The fact that I'm naturally submissive would attract the controlling types. Me being assertive feels unnatural for me and that is why I worry that I'm doing something wrong... I'm not doing anything wrong.
I agree with others that you're probably not doing anything "wrong" per se, and that we all encounter dates with people who aren't great matches for us.
That being said, there is a certain common element with the three guys you describe-- not just religious but also "traditional" and chauvinistic. It could just be a coincidence, but with three of them in a row AND your ex also fitting this mold, I have to wonder if you are unconsciously drawn to these types of guys, or if there is something in their profiles that you find attractive, or if there is something about you that they are drawn to. It's good that you're realizing on the first date that these aren't the guys you want, but maybe you could avoid at least some of them by screening profiles or initial messages differently. What are your thoughts about that?
It seems likely that you're going to have to spend sometime rebuilding your own sense of self before seriously embarking on a new relationship. It'll benefit you to do some work toward getting past insecurities that arose in your marriage before putting yourself seriously on the market. I'm not saying don't socialize, but maybe don't be on the lookout for a new partner until you've started to come to terms with some of the more negative things in your marriage.
If you've been in a domineering relationship for a while, being on your own and independent can be a very strange an not entirely welcome sensation. Give it a chance, though. Being on your own can be really, really great. The more you flex your own independence, the less likely you are to gravitate toward men who are controlling or dominant. You'll get accustomed to making your own decisions and calling your own shots. And, believe it or not, it's possible to be easygoing and still independent.
Yeah. You would think I was on Christian mingle. Lol. I'm not.
I'm so surprised that these guys are so religious. But I think they are using religion as a way to control. Just like the way my ex did.
I told the first guy "you know people don't get to heaven by how hard they control someone else" you get to heaven by your own actions... How you live YOUR life. Not how well a person controls their wife or daughter.
It's kind of spooky how you're not on a religious site, but you're drawing these types that are just like your ex. Consider reviewing your profile to see if there are any subtle signals there that would attract guys like this, and re-do those elements in the profile. Also, you should have a radar for these types, so you can screen them out before it gets to the meet/greet. Tune in to subtle red flags. Like Newbie said, tune in to that inner voice. Look at their profiles and messages to you with more of a critical eye. Put on your religious/domineering screening goggles.
And getting a bit of counseling to process your past experience and get some guidance on how to be assertive without overdoing it, would be a great idea.
I really don't know... I caution the guys to not get caught up with looks... I think the looks are initial but more important I am funny and smart. I have a career and make pretty good money... And know my worth professionally and financially.
The first guy started talking about if we go along well like we are then I could just work 3 days a week and he would take care of the rest.
Really??? I told him that I sm buying my own house... I had it built 4 years ago. I have my own car etc. For 15 of my 18 years of marriage I never had a bank account in my own name. My first car titled in my name since getting married I bought after ex moved out if the house and took all of the vehicles with him.
I go not want to give up my hard fought for independence. I really don't know why I am atttracting these types.
My profile talks about wanting to experience new things in life and being a very positive person.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
