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Live in boyfriend and I broke up this weekend. I'm hurting, but I'm not trying to stay together, and I'm not sure that it wasn't the wrong call (was that enough double negatives?) I am having trouble with him being super nice and helpful. He's still making dinner for us, offering to help me pack, find boxes, make calls for estimates, digging up my flowers, and even helping me move if necessary. He still offered me the Christmas presents he got. He said he believes we can stay friends, but I'm unsure if I want to. I'm unsure if he means it...or if he's just assuaging his guilt over the break up. He still has a pic of us on fakebook and still has us listed in a relationship. I still love him. But I'm not sure I especially like him right now.
How much should I accept his help? How much should I believe he does want to be friends or that we will be able to? I've stayed friends with ex's before, but only when the breakup was my choice or mutual. I'm not sure how to stay friends with someone who broke up with me.
Live in boyfriend and I broke up this weekend. I'm hurting, but I'm not trying to stay together, and I'm not sure that it wasn't the wrong call (was that enough double negatives?) I am having trouble with him being super nice and helpful. He's still making dinner for us, offering to help me pack, find boxes, make calls for estimates, digging up my flowers, and even helping me move if necessary. He still offered me the Christmas presents he got. He said he believes we can stay friends, but I'm unsure if I want to. I'm unsure if he means it...or if he's just assuaging his guilt over the break up. He still has a pic of us on fakebook and still has us listed in a relationship. I still love him. But I'm not sure I especially like him right now.
How much should I accept his help? How much should I believe he does want to be friends or that we will be able to? I've stayed friends with ex's before, but only when the breakup was my choice or mutual. I'm not sure how to stay friends with someone who broke up with me.
If I were you, I would be gracious of his help, but enlist the help of MY friends ASAP if you need a hand moving. Get out of there as soon as possible. See if you can stay with a friend for a few days if it gets you out. He sounds like a nice guy, but I know for my emotional stability, I couldn't stay in the same place for more than a day on a "regular" basis.
As for staying friends, right now I would say no, especially since you two were serious enough to be living together. That needs a clean break, as much as it hurts. As for doing the right thing? My belief is that if you were able to break up in the first place, you are doing the right thing. There are people you will meet that you will never want to break up with. Sometimes it's a blurred line (especially when the breakup is hard), but you need to listen to your head/gut on this one. I know exactly the feeling you are talking about. I have never once looked back and thought "maybe that wasn't the right choice"...
Good luck. Also, don't feel bad if you tell him you need space right now, as much as you appreciate his kindness. Don't promise friendship now or in the future. You need to be very clear in that you need your time to heal. Don't promise future "friend" dates. Don't talk on the phone, e-mail, facebook, or text.
I've looked at 2 apartments already this week. I can't stay with friends for an extended period right now bc I need to pack and take care of collecting my life, and I have cats that I can't impose on my friends or leave unattended, and we live over an hour away from my job/friends so I can't just run in and feed the cats before going to a friend's.
I'm having trouble balancing being gracious while maintaining boundaries. And I feel like accepting his help somehow makes me indebted to him or like I can't be angry with him if I need his help.
You're right though about no contact. It's always better... Contact can be initiated at a later date if a friendship is truly desired and not as a safety blanket.
This is a tough call. I've never remained close with any of my exes either, especially the ones that initiated the breakup. If it were me personally, I'd probably do the packing myself but say thanks for the offer but I'd rather do it myself. I'd definitely not accept any presents at this point. Why have this reminder of him around? You need to just move on and focus on yourself I think. I'm sure there will be other differing views on this, but making a clean break has always worked best for me. I tried the being friends once, and all I did though about was the romantic things we did together and thought maybe we could get that again which is really counterproductive and just delayed the moving on process. I'd never do it again.
Last edited by david0966; 12-04-2014 at 07:16 AM..
Wow...I'm on good terms with all but one of my ex's....some breakups I initiated and some they did. My ex husband actually recommended me for a job which I later got - primarily because the person couldn't believe my ex would say anything good about me unless I was amazing!
I'm not saying you should have a lot of contract immediately after the breakup but it's usually possible after you've both moved on.
Friendship will be never truly achieved with exes. Sure you can be on "good terms" and some people call that "friendship" but isn't.
Reality is, a breakup may be in "amicable" terms, but it will not be the same as before really. Some couples try to be "on good terms" for the children but is just a "truce" in reality than a real friendship.
As for the case with the OP, bad timing for the breakup, so leave quickly.
Live in boyfriend and I broke up this weekend. I'm hurting, but I'm not trying to stay together, and I'm not sure that it wasn't the wrong call (was that enough double negatives?) I am having trouble with him being super nice and helpful. He's still making dinner for us, offering to help me pack, find boxes, make calls for estimates, digging up my flowers, and even helping me move if necessary. He still offered me the Christmas presents he got. He said he believes we can stay friends, but I'm unsure if I want to. I'm unsure if he means it...or if he's just assuaging his guilt over the break up. He still has a pic of us on fakebook and still has us listed in a relationship. I still love him. But I'm not sure I especially like him right now.
How much should I accept his help? How much should I believe he does want to be friends or that we will be able to? I've stayed friends with ex's before, but only when the breakup was my choice or mutual. I'm not sure how to stay friends with someone who broke up with me.
Sorry for the heartache
Here's the thing, he could really be a super nice person just wanting to be helpful, but it sounds to me like he's trying to assuage his guilt over hurting you in the first place. If that is true then helping you is all about HIM, not you, and I'd politely decline.
Friendship can come later, but certainly not in the middle of a breakup!
He broke up with you right? Abandon the situation, him, as quickly and completely as possible as you would a contagious disease and make no effort at any further communication. He wants to talk later on he can look you up and be the one to make all the reestablishment efforts. You’ll be in a better relationship with someone different by then anyway.
He’s just trying to assuage his guilt with the BS “friends” line and offers to help which hopefully you’ve declined. He broke up with you. It’s done. He’s done. It’s over.
Sounds like you are in a tough and emotional spot right now.
Sorry.
Being friends with him, time will tell. I wouldn't put any emotional strength into deciding that now.
If you need the help packing, finding estimates and you deep down feel he is doing so cause he is really a good guy, then yeah get his help.
You mentioned you don't have friends to stay at. And you have cats, so its hard.
Is there somewhere else he can stay till you get moved out?
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