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I ran across the following thought and wanted to get some feedback since i've been observing similar activities in others: "Men think we can fix everything. And if we can't fix it, we don't get it. Women tell men their problems, they aren't expecting a solution, they want to be listened to. This is why it is fruitless to give them advice like a male friend." Now while the statement is interesting in itself, what i'd really like to focus on is when to offer UNSOLICITED advice to others, whether relationships, career, etc.
often i get into conversation where someone is having some kind of relationship challenge, as in the case of a friend i went out with this past weekend, but when you offer advice is "falls on death ears" as they say. now, i'm not that senstive about ppl not taking my advice, i've long overcome that and now make a living advising execs and business professionals, i.e., i get paid for my professional advice. what does bug me a bit, however, is when someone opens up to me with their genuine relationship/career struggle, i usually have some helpful unsolicited advice to offer (usually based on past experience) just as an act of compassion and caring. but then he/she doesn't take it, no follow through.
so i suspect this kinda happens to everyone, so my quesion really is: why bother? do they "just want you to listen" or are you wasting your time and attention trying to be helpful since the request for help wasn't directly requested? or strategically, if you really want to help, offer it when they are really looking for it, otherwise is just consider it conversation fodder.
so is your advice more valued (and taken) when someone directly asks "what can i do? what should i do?" and so should you just stop offering unsolicated advice when someone is doing "life suks for me right now" talk?
and even here on CDR, it's commonly suspected that many posters don't take the advice found on CDR, like they just came to CDR for a pity party or to vent.
Last edited by Dr. Clean; 03-30-2015 at 04:12 PM..
It's about interfering. Don't interfere. It's that simple. If you do, you're not being respectful. Some men can't get that our job is to listen and empathize, not to interfere. If a woman asks for help, OK. Help her. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.
It took me about 55 years to get this, so i suspect few men out there will agree. Just remember what i said when you are 30 or so years older
It's about interfering. Don't interfere. It's that simple. If you do, you're not being respectful. Some men can't get that our job is to listen and empathize, not to interfere. If a woman asks for help, OK. Help her. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.
It took me about 55 years to get this, so i suspect few men out there will agree. Just remember what i said when you are 30 or so years older
well, i appreciate your sage wisdom, but interfering is not what i do, nor "shut up" just cuz she is talking.... i do listen with care and concern.
and, jeepers, i've been lucky enough to been emtotionally involved with women who don't unload just cuz i'm an open ear. that's a bit too toxic for me, which is why i'm probably still single, haha. nothing makes me run away faster (or at least until the good sex no longer outweighs the relationship angst) than someone who is a chronic emotional basketcase or is tempermental.
oh, well. good to know other man can deal with it better than i can, sure doesn't make me less of a man that's for sure.
I realized this a while ago, whenever people ask for relationship advice...they either want to validate their feelings or they want to vent.
No one knows what is going on in that relationship but THEM.
now that is true insight, thanks for posting.
and it's interesting you note that since that's the same thoughts i had about online relationshp advice. it's interesting to me when i see new threads where it's later revealed that key "selective" facts were left out of the opening paragraph as if to purposely tilt the reply posts in favor of the position OP presents. validation for sure.
I realized this a while ago, whenever people ask for relationship advice...they either want to validate their feelings or they want to vent.
No one knows what is going on in that relationship but THEM.
^^^^^ This is very true.
My husband found this out when a former female friend of his wanted a male perspective as to why the guy she was dating acted the way he did when she was alone with him at his place.
Neither he nor I really know what happened between her and the guy she was dating when she was alone with him at his place.
As to why my husband is no longer friends with her...
Long story.
Last edited by snugglegirl05; 03-30-2015 at 06:10 PM..
I learned a long time ago to not offer advice unless it's specifically requested, something along the lines of "David, what do you think I should do?" Otherwise I keep my mouth shut. I've done this in most of my relationships and it's worked like a charm. I do believe it's true most people are just venting or looking for validation. This forum is a good example and why I rarely give feedback.
I ran across the following thought and wanted to get some feedback since i've been observing similar activities in others: "Men think we can fix everything. And if we can't fix it, we don't get it. Women tell men their problems, they aren't expecting a solution, they want to be listened to. This is why it is fruitless to give them advice like a male friend." Now while the statement is interesting in itself, what i'd really like to focus on is when to offer UNSOLICITED advice to others, whether relationships, career, etc.
When to offer unsolicited advice? To an adult?
Never.
Best thing you can say is, "Well, that sounds rough. It would bother me, too."
If they continue grousing, I say, "Well, that does seem like a problem. Any idea on what you're going to do next?"
That usually gets them thinking about solutions, and then I engage in active listening. If I have an idea that I think may help them, I will ask, "Have you thought about [doing this?]"
Not, "you should" or "you need to." If they haven't asked for advice, it's rude to tell them what they should or need to do.
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