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I take someone who smothers their girlfriend as someone who is always asking her to do stuff and always asking to be around her. #4 most of the time would ask me to join things. She's the one who invited me to all of her family events. She asked where I was at work so we could see each other as often as I would ask her. It was her and her daughter that wanted me to attend the softball game. So to me it doesn't seem like smothering at all. But if it was that, why wouldn't she tell me that I was smothering her instead of just ending it?
Have any of the family members been in touch with you since she called it off? Just wondering, because if they were fond of you, sometimes it happens that someone would want to stay in touch, or at least commiserate.
Have any of the family members been in touch with you since she called it off? Just wondering, because if they were fond of you, sometimes it happens that someone would want to stay in touch, or at least commiserate.
I talked to her 13 year old about softball a couple of times but I initiated the conversation both times and there wasn't much to the texts. And that was before she told me she cheated on me. As for other family members, none of them had my contact info except for one cousin who happened to be a realtor and we emailed back and forth. I did tell her yesterday that I would have to cease contact with her though and explained why. She said she understood and apologized for the mess but that was it.
Her older daughter never did respond to a message I sent her on Facebook. I don't remember if I sent her one before or after the admitted cheating but I just asked for someone to talk to figure stuff out. Maybe she felt too uncomfortable since we only met twice. And although she seemed very mature for being only 21, maybe it would have also felt weird for her to have that type of conversation with a 30 year old that was dating her mother.
I'm not entirely sure what the rest of her family knows of the situation. For all I know, she told them that things just weren't working out so none of them are even considering reaching out to me because they think it was a mutual thing. The only one that I know who knows for sure is the cousin realtor. But like I said, it's not like any of them have my phone number or my Facebook to be able to contact me if they wanted.
I take someone who smothers their girlfriend as someone who is always asking her to do stuff and always asking to be around her. #4 most of the time would ask me to join things. She's the one who invited me to all of her family events. She asked where I was at work so we could see each other as often as I would ask her. It was her and her daughter that wanted me to attend the softball game. So to me it doesn't seem like smothering at all. But if it was that, why wouldn't she tell me that I was smothering her instead of just ending it?
As I said before, I will elaborate on #4's split. I already mention how she said she cheated on my with a guy that she met in a bar. I am 99% certain that excuse is partially made up. While I absolutely believe she cheated on me, I don't believe at all that it was with a random guy. For one thing, she claims to have been out with friends and got too drunk which led to that. If she was really out with friends and the reason they were out was because she was very stressed out, there is no way her friends would have allowed her to leave the bar so drunk with a complete stranger especially knowing what kind of state of mind she was in. The more likely scenario is either she went out with only that guy, or she went out with friends but came with that guy who then drove her home anyway so none of the friends had any reason to be cautious of her safety.
Secondly, she broke up with me three days before her birthday claiming how there is too much stuff in her life right now. Yet I notice on Facebook that she went out to dinner on her birthday with her family and see that there is another guy that works at our same site that went too. Okay...maybe this is just a friend from work who was there for support. Surely she wouldn't be introducing a new guy into the scene just two weeks after I was with the whole family for Easter. However that following weekend she makes a Facebook post about how she is on her way back to her hometown to visit her parents for the weekend. That same guy makes a comment of "have a safe trip". Sure it seems like an innocent enough post, but let's be honest. That is more of a thing that females do for each other or what guys to when they're trying to be sweet to a girl. It's not very often that a single guy will take the time to post something so generic for every comment that someone makes on Facebook unless there was more too it. Shortly after I notice that is when I noticed I was no longer her friend on Facebook. This furthered my suspicion that the person she slept with was not a one time thing.
To enhance it even more, I remembered that I noticed that the two of them were eating lunch together (before she told me about the cheating but after I saw the picture of the two of them at the birthday dinner). And now I see that he changed his profile picture from just his own selfie to a cartoon Popeye with Olive Oyl standing next to him with a swooning look. To me that seems like a couples picture without actually having both of them in the picture (probably at her request). And today my boss told me that he thinks I'm probably correct in my assumption because he saw the two of them sitting at the same table that we always sat at in the mornings and they were giggling together.
So I ask again, if it was me being smothering that drove her away, why would she get an additional relationship at the same time she had one with me, break up with me claiming that she had too much stress in her life, and be bold enough to have a relationship with someone who works at the same place as the both of us?
Strange, OP. I can't relate to this at all. Introducing a guy to the whole family, have him attend many family events over time, behave like a couple building a LTR, then suddenly, a switcheroo? I don't know what to make of it. And I can see why you're backing off the whole dating thing. At this point, it's best to take a long break, I guess. I can see why you're confused.
OP
Sorry , I couldn't read all that.
I have trust issues from my past with women as well. Now it helps to let them know early in the relationship that trust is a touchy topic with me , so I ask for patience
Let me tell you about my past experience with guys.
The ex of four 4yrs:
We met online. It wasn't sparks and all that. It was a casual meeting. We had no interest in each other at all. We met from an online forum...I thought he was gay. Actually, most of the members in that forum community (it was a small community) thought he was based on his first post. We started chatting and we since we were close to each other geographically, we met up. It was established that he wasn't gay and that I wanted to spend more time with him. Within a week of meeting each other for the first time, we met 5 times and on the 5th night while we were out at a club, he asked me to be his gf. I don't know what I was thinking, I said sure.
In less than a month of us dating, he told me he loved me. I was shocked. I didn't say it back. A few months later, I thought I loved him so I said it back. 6 months into our relationship, we hit a rough patch, he broke up with me. (We kept getting back together, so the relationship totaled to 4 years). But same idea as yours, he told me he loved me first. He was so into me right away, but when **** hit the fan, he was the first one to bail.
Some guy I was seeing/talking to a lot for almost a year:
He was someone I spent most of the days a week with. I'd drive to him (he didn't have a car then) and drive around. We were like h.s. kids, texting each other almost every minute. If I couldn't fall asleep, I'd get him to text me stories. If I didn't respond, that's because I fell asleep. We've introduced each other to each other's family/friends circle. People did think we were a couple already. He told me he wanted me. He told me he loved me. He asked me to be his gf almost every day.
At that point, I was at the bottom, unemployed, a mess (physically, mentally, you name it)...complete mess. I don't even know what he saw in me. Anyways, I told him I wanted to fix myself first before entering a relationship, but he knew he was the only guy I was talking to or "seeing". We met in the summer....the following year late winter, I got busy and I told him I will be MIA for a week...there was something very important that I had to do... when I messaged him back, he was distant. We became distant and faded into nothing.
Months later, I heard he was dating this girl (she's on my facebook). The following year, the girl posts "Happy 1 yr anniversary"...which happens to be the around time when I told the guy that I will be MIA. I fully told him I will not message him because I will be busy, so it's not like I just ignored him and left him hanging. Same idea, invested months of my time and feelings and he was the one wanting to be in a relationship...one week of us not talking, he moved on to another girl (now his wife). If it matters, I was MIA because I was volunteering and got super busy lol.
From those two experience, I want to tell you that it's not just girl, OP. Guys do it too.
Actually, my co-worker just went through a break-up. She said their relationship was so intense. Everything seemed so perfect in the beginning. They were always talking, always together, but one fight, he breaks up with her. They were together for about 3 months.
Ya, give up on women if you want, if that's easier for you. Just remember, it's not the gender, it's the person.
Let me tell you about my past experience with guys.
The ex of four 4yrs:
We met online. It wasn't sparks and all that. It was a casual meeting. We had no interest in each other at all. We met from an online forum...I thought he was gay. Actually, most of the members in that forum community (it was a small community) thought he was based on his first post. We started chatting and we since we were close to each other geographically, we met up. It was established that he wasn't gay and that I wanted to spend more time with him. Within a week of meeting each other for the first time, we met 5 times and on the 5th night while we were out at a club, he asked me to be his gf. I don't know what I was thinking, I said sure.
In less than a month of us dating, he told me he loved me. I was shocked. I didn't say it back. A few months later, I thought I loved him so I said it back. 6 months into our relationship, we hit a rough patch, he broke up with me. (We kept getting back together, so the relationship totaled to 4 years). But same idea as yours, he told me he loved me first. He was so into me right away, but when **** hit the fan, he was the first one to bail.
Some guy I was seeing/talking to a lot for almost a year:
He was someone I spent most of the days a week with. I'd drive to him (he didn't have a car then) and drive around. We were like h.s. kids, texting each other almost every minute. If I couldn't fall asleep, I'd get him to text me stories. If I didn't respond, that's because I fell asleep. We've introduced each other to each other's family/friends circle. People did think we were a couple already. He told me he wanted me. He told me he loved me. He asked me to be his gf almost every day.
At that point, I was at the bottom, unemployed, a mess (physically, mentally, you name it)...complete mess. I don't even know what he saw in me. Anyways, I told him I wanted to fix myself first before entering a relationship, but he knew he was the only guy I was talking to or "seeing". We met in the summer....the following year late winter, I got busy and I told him I will be MIA for a week...there was something very important that I had to do... when I messaged him back, he was distant. We became distant and faded into nothing.
Months later, I heard he was dating this girl (she's on my facebook). The following year, the girl posts "Happy 1 yr anniversary"...which happens to be the around time when I told the guy that I will be MIA. I fully told him I will not message him because I will be busy, so it's not like I just ignored him and left him hanging. Same idea, invested months of my time and feelings and he was the one wanting to be in a relationship...one week of us not talking, he moved on to another girl (now his wife). If it matters, I was MIA because I was volunteering and got super busy lol.
From those two experience, I want to tell you that it's not just girl, OP. Guys do it too.
Actually, my co-worker just went through a break-up. She said their relationship was so intense. Everything seemed so perfect in the beginning. They were always talking, always together, but one fight, he breaks up with her. They were together for about 3 months.
Ya, give up on women if you want, if that's easier for you. Just remember, it's not the gender, it's the person.
What I'm seeing that is somewhat different is there were problems before hand though.
For your first story, what types of rough patches did you go through?
Second story did you tell him why you were leaving for a week and wouldn't talk to him? And you realized that things were fading apart. Did the two of you ever talk about what happened?
Third story (your co-worker) they had a fight. Maybe it was a petty fight but it was at least something that went wrong. Are you sure you know the whole story of everything that went on during the fight? Maybe she did some stuff or said some stuff that was very hurtful.
I also want to be clear that I don't think it's only women that are dishonest and men are always honest. At this point I'm certain that people in general are dishonest. Hell, I work with some people who cheat on their partners. One of the co-workers who is going through **** with his wife has been cheating on his wife for years with random women all the time. He always talks about women he meets wherever. I don't respect him in that aspect at all because of that. As a friend he's a great person and he is a great co-worker, but I've always thought it was ****ty what he does.
Being able to trust isn't such an issue for me. On, I've been burned before, so, I know what to look for in terms of how much I would trust a woman. My issue with another LTR, where real feelings are involved, mutually, and being committed stems more from fear of loss due to outside influence. Not infidelity or betrayal so much, but an accident or illness type thing.
I've been down the road with betrayal, infidelity, financial ruin etc with my ex wife. I was saved from being a bitter, jaded wreck by a wonderful lady. I know that I can't judge all women by the standard of my ex wife, and that there are wonderful women out there. I would know one if I met her. As will you , OP. When its for real, you will know. You're young, your heart is still fresh. Sheesh, in my 20s I had so many experiences such as yours, I just quit concerning myself with keeping an LTR, and rode that bronc to death.
I'm thinking , perhaps, its your time to ride. Just keep your mind in the middle. The critter stops bucking, eventually. Till then, let it jump and spin, take a deep seat and a faraway look. You'll know when its time to bail.
Being able to trust isn't such an issue for me. On, I've been burned before, so, I know what to look for in terms of how much I would trust a woman. My issue with another LTR, where real feelings are involved, mutually, and being committed stems more from fear of loss due to outside influence. Not infidelity or betrayal so much, but an accident or illness type thing.
I'm not sure what to look for though. My only experience has been how much they have liked me. How is that supposed to raise a red flag? Should I only remain interested in women who don't seem that into me?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NVplumber
I'm thinking , perhaps, its your time to ride. Just keep your mind in the middle. The critter stops bucking, eventually. Till then, let it jump and spin, take a deep seat and a faraway look. You'll know when its time to bail.
That's what all of my co-workers say but I just don't really have that in me. They all treat this as an "oh well, on to the next" but I don't work that way. I don't like dating so much as a relationship.
I'm not sure what to look for though. My only experience has been how much they have liked me. How is that supposed to raise a red flag? Should I only remain interested in women who don't seem that into me?That's what all of my co-workers say but I just don't really have that in m
.
Women who are serious about looking for marriage material take their time sizing a dude up for that. They may enjoy your company and be into you on that superficial level, but when it comes to checking you out for moving in, and beyond, they take their time to make sure you're safe to share a space with, as a basic. From there, they want to make sure you're reliable and honest, so determining that takes months. If they want kids, they may watch you to see if you have a soft side that's good with kids. This kind of thing takes months, a year, maybe more, to figure out.
The women you were with were ready to jump in after a few weeks. Do you see now how that's a red flag? You should definitely look for women who aren't too much into you when you're only in the beginning stages of dating. (First couple of months.) You want them to be into you enough that you have a good time with them, have plenty to talk about, enjoy activities together. But not so into you that they already want to move in or change their life around for you after just a few weeks. That's not how women who have both feet on the ground think. It's more how women looking for any port in a storm think. And that's the kind of woman you kept hooking up with.
Maybe it's me , but I see a pattern here... These women all hang out with you for a while.. Then bounce!
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