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Can't believe i'm posting this here but i need advice. I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, we recently just moved in together in February 2015. There have been times throughout the 5 years where i thought maybe he was taking some kind of "downer" pills just due to the fact that he didn't seem himself and seemed very "dopy" (slurred speach, drowsy, just not all there)... i asked him about it and he always denied it and just said he was tired. this was rare too, maybe it happened 4-5 times throughout the 5 years. Now fast forward to current day, living together for 3 months now, and i've noticed this has been happening much more frequently (few times a week he seems in this "altered" state). i confronted him and asked him "is everything ok, you seem kind of out of it" and asked if he was taking anything. he denied it. i had such a gut feeling about this and didn't know what to do that i snooped around his stuff in our apartment and i found pills in his bag (not sure if i'm allowed to post on here what kind of pills they were?). so now i don't know what to do. i know that it is a huge breach of privacy and trust that i went snooping but at the same time i feel completely justified as i knew deep down in my heart/gut that something was wrong and he was taking something. i obviously have to talk to him about this but i'm not sure how mad/upset he is going to be that i went through his stuff. and the second questions is - how do i know if i'm supposed to continue on in this relationship? and how can i trust him if he says he won't take them anymore yet he lied to me when he has denied taking them in the past? is this fixable? i'm feeling as if its a dealbreaker, but to end a 5 year relationship over this without working on it doesn't seem right either. we have invested a lot of time into this relationship. i'm hoping there is someone here who can relate.
I once had an alcoholic boyfriend I legally attached myself to, he became my alcoholic husband and alcoholic father of my now 25yo. A few years later he became my alcoholic ex-husband. As a direct result of his alcoholism he died last year but not after causing a lifetime of issues for our kid who is in therapy, once again. I feel I am partly to blame for that.
If I had to do it all over again but somehow end up with the same kid (I know, I know....just theoretical here), I would have cut and run long before making it legally official with him.
Some people have the fortitude to stick it out with an addict who is choosing recovery but I am not one of those people. My ex never followed through with recovery anyway.
I once had an alcoholic boyfriend I legally attached myself to, he became my alcoholic husband and alcoholic father of my now 25yo. A few years later he became my alcoholic ex-husband. As a direct result of his alcoholism he died last year but not after causing a lifetime of issues for our kid who is in therapy, once again. I feel I am partly to blame for that.
If I had to do it all over again but somehow end up with the same kid (I know, I know....just theoretical here), I would have cut and run long before making it legally official with him.
Some people have the fortitude to stick it out with an addict who is choosing recovery but I am not one of those people. My ex never followed through with recovery anyway.
YMMV
Thank you for the response. at what point do you call someone an addict? what if someone is just partaking in substance abuse every once in a while? would you still classify that person as an addict? this is all very new to me.. never had a family member or friend who has ever gone down that type of path.
Since you have been with the guy for five years and still don't know if he's a dope addict or on some prescription medication, I would say that whatever kind of relationship you have is broken and is probably not fixable.
Can't believe i'm posting this here but i need advice. I've been with my boyfriend 5 years, we recently just moved in together in February 2015. There have been times throughout the 5 years where i thought maybe he was taking some kind of "downer" pills just due to the fact that he didn't seem himself and seemed very "dopy" (slurred speach, drowsy, just not all there)... i asked him about it and he always denied it and just said he was tired. this was rare too, maybe it happened 4-5 times throughout the 5 years. Now fast forward to current day, living together for 3 months now, and i've noticed this has been happening much more frequently (few times a week he seems in this "altered" state). i confronted him and asked him "is everything ok, you seem kind of out of it" and asked if he was taking anything. he denied it. i had such a gut feeling about this and didn't know what to do that i snooped around his stuff in our apartment and i found pills in his bag (not sure if i'm allowed to post on here what kind of pills they were?). so now i don't know what to do. i know that it is a huge breach of privacy and trust that i went snooping but at the same time i feel completely justified as i knew deep down in my heart/gut that something was wrong and he was taking something. i obviously have to talk to him about this but i'm not sure how mad/upset he is going to be that i went through his stuff. and the second questions is - how do i know if i'm supposed to continue on in this relationship? and how can i trust him if he says he won't take them anymore yet he lied to me when he has denied taking them in the past? is this fixable? i'm feeling as if its a dealbreaker, but to end a 5 year relationship over this without working on it doesn't seem right either. we have invested a lot of time into this relationship. i'm hoping there is someone here who can relate.
You answered your own question already.
Why would you consider the amount of time invested in someone who lies and takes drugs?
Also, it's only "fixable" if your BF wants to fix it for himself. Not for you or anyone else. I hear it's a very long road, for the addict and their loved ones.
BTW, lying is a big part of addiction. You have to decide if you can deal with that if he remains an active addict or chooses recovery and possibly slips up.
My ex was once a very convincing liar. He could convince a person the sky was lime green, he'd swear by it and you'd really want to believe him. Also, the person involved with him generally really wanted to believe he was being honest about his drinking or supposed lack thereof.
People can and do recover from addiction but many don't. My ex died literally with empty beer cans around him. Nothing was ever more important to him than the booze. He managed to run off his family and both wives. And his kid.
Thank you for the response. at what point do you call someone an addict? what if someone is just partaking in substance abuse every once in a while? would you still classify that person as an addict? this is all very new to me.. never had a family member or friend who has ever gone down that type of path.
Lying about use and hiding the pills is a huge red flag and many addicts do that.
I drink on occasion but actual "substance abuse every once in awhile" is nothing casual. I would not stay with someone who even casually abused drugs.
No they are not prescription meds. and actually the bottle had his co-workers name on them, so i know he is getting them from his co-worker.
Well, confront him and have him explain the pills before you go making any decisions.
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