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The big problem with a lot of dating advice is that it lumps people in buckets and ignores individuality.
For example, the whole, "women are biologically driven to ___" or "men are biologically driven to ____." Well, some of that stuff might be true for a large group, but not on an individual level. Or maybe a better way of explaining it, it's true only if you strip out all individuality and personality and see a person as a machine or basic animal that runs on instincts along. We are thinking animals and are more than just our biology. You can't boil down human behavior into a formula or science. It doesn't work that way. And sometimes we even actively over ride our biology to the point where we rewrite things for ourselves.
Think of it this way.. with a non dating related subject. Marathon runners. It just goes against biology. Humans, like other animals are "programed" for survival and that means conserving energy. Marathon running goes against this biological principal. But people do it... some so much that they can't not run. It's part of them now and part of their biology... they "need" to run. You can argue all you want that we aren't programmed like that and that biology dictates that we conserve energy... but there are still those individuals out there who go against this "programming" all the time. By choice. This goes for other aspects of life too (including dating). Sure, maybe we are "programmed" to do things, but as intelligent/thinking animals we overwrite our programming all the time to suit our individual tastes.
You will not have a fulfilling relationship with someone who is suited for you unless you work at it. Getting married is not the finish line. I can almost guarantee your friend's relationship is an emotional hell. But if that is something that you are envious of, far be it from anyone else to stand in your way.
I never said I was envious and I am not.
Working on it seems a fool's errand when others are getting it for free.
This guy had a different woman every night while leaving his fiancee at home. She knew he what was up to and she still chose to marry him. That women choose to line up and even fight for guys like this is what irritates me. I made a decision years ago if that's what women want then far be it from me to stand in their way.
Wow one bad egg and all women are suddenly like that?
Fix your attitude, because women will notice your preconceived notions about them and will steer clear.
SO many so called "nice guys" are actually douches who hate on women.
Don't blame your failures on someone else. Your failures are your own fault.
Putting work into a relationship is not like putting work into a job. It means that you care about the other person and show it.
Here is how We put in effort:
We take care of our appearance. I keep my hair long for my husband, because he appreciates it. He shaves every day, because I love it. We are affectionate and maintain a sexual relationship. We are nice to each other. We communicate.
That's it. We have been together happily, Over two decades.
The best relationship advice I can give is to meet someone compatible that has the same lifestyle goals. There is a reason so many relationships end over money, fidelity, and whether to have kids. If you agree on the big stuff, the little stuff is easier to deal with.
Then you have to want to be together and "work" at it and fulfill each other's needs. If your spouse shuts down your sex life for years, how can you be happy unless you are asexual? If your spouse drinks to get drunk every night, you better want to live that alcoholic lifestyle. If you really want a family, then you need to be with someone who wants that too.
When you are already in a relationship working on it is a must I get that. Its the working on it in the context of getting to being in a relationship that I find a fool's errand.
Having never been in a long-term relationship, maybe I'm just naïve. But, the work required to maintain a relationship seems a lot easier than the work required to find someone to be in a relationship with.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JR_C
Having never been in a long-term relationship, maybe I'm just naïve. But, the work required to maintain a relationship seems a lot easier than the work required to find someone to be in a relationship with.
I have to agree. Finding someone to date is easy... especially during the "honeymoon" stage. Working though the real nuts and bolts of a relationship (the ups and downs and such). That takes more dedication and "work."
One of my friends describes the work of a marriage/relationship as being more along the lines of driving (as opposed to coal mining, say.) You monitor conditions, you check your mirrors, you maintain your vehicle, you pay attention--it's not heavy labor, but it is awareness. To extend the analogy to getting into a relationship, nobody buys a car without putting work into researching what you want, advocating for your needs, pulling out of a bad deal. If you're expecting an effortless "meet cute" like in the movies, you're probably going to be waiting a long time.
I never said I was envious and I am not.
Working on it seems a fool's errand when others are getting it for free.
Some people have a great physique or figure without ever exercising. A few can maintain a pleasant appearance and eat crap. So no work.
Would you refuse to workout because someone else has a great physique and doesn't need to put in any effort?
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