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I tried to be the good guy but I was not emotionally honest with myself and had reservations. I realize I am the type of guy that sometimes foregoes my own feelings for others and at times I may explode.
I will say that a good bit of the relationship I had reservations about her based on compatibility, lifestyle, and my perceived neediness of her and insecurities. I have made a few threads about it and there were CLEAR signs I should have ended it but I made things worse by ignoring my gut feelings.
The past year and a half or so I have been there for her for many bad things that occurred in her life
-Friend assaulting her and helping her w/ getting a case ready
-Surgery she had
-Mother going into the hospital
-General complaints about work and wanting to quit/leave
-One of my own friends attacking her at a party
The past month and a half she was down and depressed and I tried to be there but I have been consumed with my own life as well and my duties. She has been coming off as more dependent and complaining about my time I spend training for a fight coming up as a hobby. I train MMA a lot.
So this all boiled up and I maintained certain friendships with females and also sought out conversations with them. I admit I was flirty but I have never been sexual with anyone other than my gf. I admit I called another girl pretty or a smile, but for the most part I was friendly and not seeking anything but a change from my struggles with my girl.
I know that relationships and break ups take two people, but I cannot help to place a lot of guilt on myself. Yes she had her flaws. I thought she was extremely needy and dependent. She was extremely emotional and name called a bit and has actually slapped me twice. I said hurtful things. I felt she was complaining about things instead of taking action.
I feel like I should have been honest with myself more and addressed my issues up front and resolve them or end things amicably. Instead I said hurtful things to her, broke her heart, and broke her trust. I feel awful for all of this because she is someone that I loved dearly (perhaps not in love like she was with me) and would take a bullet for her.
I am really at a loss of what to do now because last night we tried to talk and I said something hurtful out of anger. I just don't know what to do because in other relationships I'm sure I did things wrong but I didn't feel like the bad guy.
I know I am not a bad person and I have had good amicable relationships prior but this one just went bad for us.
I tried to be the good guy but I was not emotionally honest with myself and had reservations. I realize I am the type of guy that sometimes foregoes my own feelings for others and at times I may explode.
I will say that a good bit of the relationship I had reservations about her based on compatibility, lifestyle, and my perceived neediness of her and insecurities. I have made a few threads about it and there were CLEAR signs I should have ended it but I made things worse by ignoring my gut feelings.
The past year and a half or so I have been there for her for many bad things that occurred in her life
-Friend assaulting her and helping her w/ getting a case ready
-Surgery she had
-Mother going into the hospital
-General complaints about work and wanting to quit/leave
-One of my own friends attacking her at a party
The past month and a half she was down and depressed and I tried to be there but I have been consumed with my own life as well and my duties. She has been coming off as more dependent and complaining about my time I spend training for a fight coming up as a hobby. I train MMA a lot.
So this all boiled up and I maintained certain friendships with females and also sought out conversations with them. I admit I was flirty but I have never been sexual with anyone other than my gf. I admit I called another girl pretty or a smile, but for the most part I was friendly and not seeking anything but a change from my struggles with my girl.
I know that relationships and break ups take two people, but I cannot help to place a lot of guilt on myself. Yes she had her flaws. I thought she was extremely needy and dependent. She was extremely emotional and name called a bit and has actually slapped me twice. I said hurtful things. I felt she was complaining about things instead of taking action.
I feel like I should have been honest with myself more and addressed my issues up front and resolve them or end things amicably. Instead I said hurtful things to her, broke her heart, and broke her trust. I feel awful for all of this because she is someone that I loved dearly (perhaps not in love like she was with me) and would take a bullet for her.
I am really at a loss of what to do now because last night we tried to talk and I said something hurtful out of anger. I just don't know what to do because in other relationships I'm sure I did things wrong but I didn't feel like the bad guy.
I know I am not a bad person and I have had good amicable relationships prior but this one just went bad for us.
No, it sounds like you are feeling what you should be feeling, which is remorse for the terrible way you handled this relationship.
You don't have to be a "bad person" to do bad things.
-Friend assaulting her and helping her w/ getting a case ready
-Surgery she had
-Mother going into the hospital
-General complaints about work and wanting to quit/leave -One of my own friends attacking her at a party
[quote] Dude, what's the story with the bolded? Why do people keep attacking her? Are you all chronically around a drunk crowd, or something? This is very weird.
-Friend assaulting her and helping her w/ getting a case ready
-Surgery she had
-Mother going into the hospital
-General complaints about work and wanting to quit/leave -One of my own friends attacking her at a party
Quote:
Dude, what's the story with the bolded? Why do people keep attacking her? Are you all chronically around a drunk crowd, or something? This is very weird.
Yes that was weird.
The time she got assaulted I was nowhere near her. This was a friend who attacked her that she has known for 10 years. Apparently jealously surfaced and she got assaulted.
The more recent time was at a housewarming party. Myself personally I don't like to go out and drink or anything...I will say my gf/ex does go out a bit, but things have happened because of alcohol.
I think words were exchanged and my gf did not walk away and my friend's fiancee hit her. I was so upset about it.
I do think it's weird that she has got attacked more than once though. My personal crowd is people who don't really drink.
What do you mean you don't know what to do? I am not sure if you are looking for advice on whether or not to stay with this woman or if you are trying to feel better about yourself, since you said you feel like the bad guy.
First of all, though, drop the guilt. It does sound like to me that you tried to work things out with her and you were there for her. When you mentioned that there was violence in two separate incidents involving her and others, I thought--something is going on here. Then when you mentioned that she had slapped you, I figured out that there was probably alcohol involved.
Go back and think about the disagreements the two of you had try and remember how many of those times alcohol was being used. If she drinks often and right much then it wouldn't matter how great you are---you could be a Saint and there are going to be issues that arise and are ongoing. There are going to be past things which are brought up over and over again. And this will never ever be a healthy relationship as long as booze is involved and one or both of you don't know how to control your drinking.
So stop beating yourself up. I would be careful in the future of getting too involved with someone who is dependent, needy and especially if there is any hint that they may have a problem with alcohol. Trust me, I know. I am in recovery and so much of what you wrote rang all too familiar with me.
What do you mean you don't know what to do? I am not sure if you are looking for advice on whether or not to stay with this woman or if you are trying to feel better about yourself, since you said you feel like the bad guy.
First of all, though, drop the guilt. It does sound like to me that you tried to work things out with her and you were there for her. When you mentioned that there was violence in two separate incidents involving her and others, I thought--something is going on here. Then when you mentioned that she had slapped you, I figured out that there was probably alcohol involved.
Go back and think about the disagreements the two of you had try and remember how many of those times alcohol was being used. If she drinks often and right much then it wouldn't matter how great you are---you could be a Saint and there are going to be issues that arise and are ongoing. There are going to be past things which are brought up over and over again. And this will never ever be a healthy relationship as long as booze is involved and one or both of you don't know how to control your drinking.
So stop beating yourself up. I would be careful in the future of getting too involved with someone who is dependent, needy and especially if there is any hint that they may have a problem with alcohol. Trust me, I know. I am in recovery and so much of what you wrote rang all too familiar with me.
Thank you.
I know she wasn't a bad person. I just am introspective enough to know my faults.
These times I mentioned were far and few but one of my bigger concerns were the need for her to drink. I may come off as judgmental since I did not have that growing up and I'm sensitive about it.
I put it together in my mind that she dealt with anxiety and her being high strung in general by drinking. She also took anti anxiety meds to help her sleep.
Neither here nor there. I tried to be the supportive boyfriend and listen to her. Overlook her insecurities. I did stuff I didn't like and sometimes I caved into her needs out of guilt when I perhaps wanted alone time.
It eventually made me resent her for being so pushy with things. Her being whiny. I even started to dislike small things she did...it changed the relationship dynamic because I felt given the circumstances of things I would love her out of obligation.
Sounds like this relationships has been very dÃfficult, even toxic, for the both of you. You need a clean break to sort your issues separately. Toxic relationships tend to cause destructive behavior, and it sounds like the both of you have struggled a lot.
Remorse and guilt is normal, but you need to remember to forgive yourself for the hurtful things you said and did. Give each other some space and focus on yourselves. Learn to deal with your own respective issues - because you can never fix another person for them.
Take care of your own needs and be kind to yourself. Learn from the mistakes you both made and figure out how you can do better in the next relationship and what kind of partner brings out the best in you (hint: I don't think it is someone like this one).
This relationship may have been toxic and you may have behaved in hurtful ways, it doesn't define you as a person. Take what was good and learn from what was bad. Best of luck
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