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My wife and I have been married for only over a year and now things are looking really bad.
It's my wife's birthday coming up, and I suggested that we take a weekend break in Atlantic City, as she likes to gamble occasionally. She recently discovered that I'd taken an ex on a luxury two-week trip to Vegas in the past (from mutual friends), which admittedly was a lot of fun. After I brought up a weekend in Atlantic City, she got really quiet and then asked me if it was Sarah I had spoiled in Vegas.
Sarah was a girl I dated in the past, she was the first girl that I thought I loved. With her I spent a ton of money on nice presents and trips. More than I was comfortable with, but I did it because I wanted her love and attention and I was young and stupid. She used me for a long time till I decided to cut her off. I have told my wife about her and she really doesn’t like her.
I told my wife it was her, but it didn’t matter that I wanted to create new memories with her. My wife told me that she felt sick and was done. She ended up leaving the house and left her phone at home. She came back home later in the night, I made her her favorite dinner but she already ate out.
We finally did talk about it. She says that she is angry that I treated Sarah like a queen, and that I don't spend money on her. She said that she wanted to go a nice trip and thought it would be a new experience we could share together, but the fact that Sarah already been with me to Vegas ruined it. I do spend money on my wife, but not ridiculous $10000 Vegas and Euro trips because it's stupid and wasteful and I have financial goals these trips would decimate. I made poor financial decisions while young and I'm done with that.
My wife cooled off after talking to me, and I thought things got better. But then she got really angry and cold. She found Sarah's facebook through my friends list, and found photos from when we were together, where she was showing off lots of expensive jewelry I bought her, and the trips to Europe, Hawaii etc that we went on. The thing that makes the pics especially damaging was that back then I spent way more money on Sarah than I do on my wife, and I am doing things in there that I told my wife were a waste of money or that we couldn't afford.
Since then she has given me the silent treatment. I have tried doing things to get her to open up and talk to me, but now it feels like my marriage is falling apart. Before all of this we were talking about starting a family together, but now I don’t know where we are. My wife comes home from work and will just go somewhere and not answer my text or calls. What do I do?
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 628,295 times
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Have you and your wife ever talked about your goals as a couple?
Goals as in wanting to buy a house, start a family, etc?
I'm not sure if in the conversation you had with your wife you tried elaborating on the financial goals you speak of but perhaps mentioning goals that are for the both of you could finally help her understand your new outlook.
If you both have agreed that you want a family soon, or to buy a home in your favorite neighborhood I would use those examples to show that your financial scrutiny is so that you can provide that type of home you and your wife can be happy in.
I can understand her hurt but in the same vain, it seems like something a college gf would become hurt over not a woman who "understandably" should be an emotionally matured woman. But it seems like your wife is feeling insecurity and perhaps this is the root of your issue and where you all need to start.
Have you and your wife ever talked about your goals as a couple?
Goals as in wanting to buy a house, start a family, etc?
I'm not sure if in the conversation you had with your wife you tried elaborating on the financial goals you speak of but perhaps mentioning goals that are for the both of you could finally help her understand your new outlook.
If you both have agreed that you want a family soon, or to buy a home in your favorite neighborhood I would use those examples to show that your financial scrutiny is so that you can provide that type of home you and your wife can be happy in.
I can understand her hurt but in the same vain, it seems like something a college gf would become hurt over not a woman who "understandably" should be an emotionally matured woman. But it seems like your wife is feeling insecurity and perhaps this is the root of your issue and where you all need to start.
The financial goals for our family have been discussed in detail. She is feeling entitled to the same treatment I stupidly gave an ex years ago.
As you know, men naturally panic and feel helpless when a woman cries or behaves in a very upset manner. Now that your wife knows how much money you spent on that other girl, she wants the same treatment. That's why she's acting like a child. You know and I know that her behavior is completely unreasonable, irrational, illogical and if it was a man acting like that you wouldn't stand for it, because an upset man isn't as disturbing to watch as an upset woman.
What she wants is to maximize the unpleasantness so that you will be willing to do whatever it takes to make it stop. That's the routine that she has begun. Mind control works in much the same way. Create trauma until the victim will do anything to make it go away. The silent treatment is just one of the ways in which she'll continue to try and get you to spend a lot of money on her. There will be other methods employed.
I suggest you divorce your wife as soon as possible. You made a bad choice. If you ignore my advice, I promise you my words will ring in your head for the rest of your life.
I don't want divorce but I can what she is doing as manipulation.
I don't want divorce but I can what she is doing as manipulation.
Your past is history. She shouldn't feel entitled to anything because of what you did in your past. Dump her and find a woman who appreciates you, you have a drama queen on your hand as it is.
Your wife is too immature to be married, well married in the true sense of the commitment. Marriage is about a united team not endless gift receiving.
There are just no words. OP, I dont mean this offensively, but were you super cheap with your wife? And continue to be? Stingy has many connotations, not just financial. Perhaps it stings more for your wife if you are too cheap. If not, then you most likely married a princess that will expect to be catered to - and not a helpmate.
Of course you choose her. Perhaps this is the relationship type you prefer. That is fine btw, as long as it works for both.
I'm not stingy. Atlantic city was still going to be pricey with flight and hotel, and it was just a birthday gift. We recently went to San Fran and explored this city, saw some shows AND we have been to Vegas together, it just wasn't a two week spending spree.
The vacations I took with the ex were over the top and silly, I was spending every dime I made on her. That's not the way to live. But my wife seems to think she's entitled to being spent on like that because I have in the past
I have to agree that this issue is your wife's not yours. Does she want the both of you to be in debt before you have children? Tell her you would like to take her on a nice trip but have to save up for it so you can freely enjoy it without worrying about it. Tell her you are bitter with your ex because of spending money you did not have and you don't want to do that to your wife since you are building a life together and you don't want to create joint debt and have nothing to raise your children on. Maybe that will sink in. Good luck.
Pretty petty behavior on your wife's part. What happened in the past is over and done with and nothing can change that. She needs to let it go, it wasn't that big a deal.
The spendiness really bothers me. You should not be taking her to gamble if you are already worried about her materialism. I would suggest going somewhere else. If you love her and are just painting her to be a spoiled princess because you're mad and worried, take her somewhere even less expensive but try to be romantic and sweet. If she really is a spoiled princess, then cut your losses. Take her on a spa day, buy her a salad, then drive to the courthouse and get an annulment?
Last edited by JustJulia; 07-28-2015 at 08:31 AM..
Reason: not Vegas, sorry!
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