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I think she's referring to your "It's my money, I can do what I want with it" statement here on the thread itself, and is curious if you've ever directly stated or telegraphed this sentiment to your wife.
Yes, that's it.
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Originally Posted by ArticZone
I feel that no one is entitled to my money, yes. And no, I did not get snippy or short with my wife about it.
Your wife isn't "no one". She's "THE" one. Big difference, there - or is supposed to be.
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Originally Posted by Hallouise
Now we're getting somewhere. I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting to hear more about this standpoint. Could you expand on that a little?
Yeah, it made my hackles rise when I read that. Marriage isn't about mine and yours. And I wonder if this attitude doesn't come through whether the OP thinks so or not.
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Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76
I don't really think that is the way to go about this.
Look at it this way, if you found out that your wife would have sex 5 times a day with her ex and literally ripped the clothes off his back on more than one occasion - and you usually have sex a few times a week - even though the sex is amazing - wouldn't you be a little upset for a bit? I mean - maybe lust was the only thing holding them together and with you - she has it all - lust, love, compatibility, etc. - but wouldn't it maybe take you a bit of time to really register that your relationship is better than the one that only revolved around sex?
I don't think this is about the money in the way that some posters think it is - I think it's that he wanted to do these things for his ex but he doesn't want to do them for his wife. Now, his reasons definitely make sense and it's understandable - but I can understand being a bit confused and hurt upon finding all of this out - especially 4 years into their relationship.
Take the money away so she has to face the facts of he matter instead of running away or making it about trivial bs.
She needs some accountability in her own realtionship. Not just who is doing what for her
Yeah - I don't think that's the right call at all. As someone who has been in a similar (albeit much smaller and less catastrophic) situation - I think he needs to sit down with her and try to get her to understand that he loves her and that he chose to spend his life with her and not his ex. Like I said - if you found out that your spouse made these grand gestures to show their ex how much they loved them - and they didn't do things like that for you - it might be a bit upsetting until you let yourself see that sometimes grand gestures aren't really a measure of love or anything real.
I don't really think that is the way to go about this.
Look at it this way, if you found out that your wife would have sex 5 times a day with her ex and literally ripped the clothes off his back on more than one occasion - and you usually have sex a few times a week - even though the sex is amazing - wouldn't you be a little upset for a bit? I mean - maybe lust was the only thing holding them together and with you - she has it all - lust, love, compatibility, etc. - but wouldn't it maybe take you a bit of time to really register that your relationship is better than the one that only revolved around sex?
Good analogy. Somehow, I feel like if this was the case, and the wife was like, "Oh, I was sexually WILD before, but I've made the conscious choice to change all that, because it wasn't a good way for me to be or healthy for me. You just can't keep living like that. So you shouldn't take it personally that I've decided to drastically dial it back, and am now only up for vanilla sex once in a while...it's not a reflection of how I feel about you, it's just a choice I made to change my life! Nothing personal!"...the spouse would still take it pretty personally. Just a hunch.
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I don't think this is about the money in the way that some posters think it is - I think it's that he wanted to do these things for his ex but he doesn't want to do them for his wife. Now, his reasons definitely make sense and it's understandable - but I can understand being a bit confused and hurt upon finding all of this out - especially 4 years into their relationship.
I don't think it's about the money, either. I think it's about the implied sentiment behind the princess treatment. Which, if the wife is insecure and shallow, is going to MEAN money, but it's really the attention and sentiment behind the lavish spending that is at the root of things, IMO.
Would you say that your wife is or isn't aware that, despite the fact that you did feel (at the time of spending, anyway) that a majority of your money was well-spent on a girlfriend), you definitely don't feel that the same applies to your wife?
I think the key point the OP is missing is that while the past is in the past, he was so in love with this ex that he happily spent himself into potential financial ruin. His wife may sound immature by demanding the same from him but what she really wants is some proof that he loves her the same if not more. OP, it's great you've realized you've made a big mistake and perhaps marrying this woman is part of your recovery. However, while you are rightfully budgeting for the future, where is equivalent level of passion with the woman you married compared to the ex? It doesn't have to come in the form of lavish spending but from your wife's reaction, she isn't feeling it in any form. Obviously you haven't done enough to convince her she isn't just the long term rebound solution to what you admitted was a passionate mistake in the past.
I think the key point the OP is missing is that while the past is in the past, he was so in love with this ex that he happily spent himself into potential financial ruin. His wife may sound immature by demanding the same from him but what she really wants is some proof that he loves her the same if not more. OP, it's great you've realized you've made a big mistake and perhaps marrying this woman is part of your recovery. However, while you are rightfully budgeting for the future, where is equivalent level of passion with the woman you married compared to the ex? It doesn't have to come in the form of lavish spending but from your wife's reaction, she isn't feeling it in any form. Obviously you haven't done enough to convince her she isn't just the long term rebound solution to what you admitted was a passionate mistake in the past.
I broke up with the ex TWO YEARS before I met my wife. She wasn't a rebound. It's been over half a decade since I spent like a teenager with a credit card.
Thats what can happen when all is shared from ones past. It ends up coming back to bite you in the behind and will come up in every argument. Maybe you need to rethink the whole marriage as this chick way immature for as old as she is.
Some things are better not shared, unless specifically asked about, because certain people have a difficult time dealing with honesty. I dont know if this was your case, (didnt read the whole thread), but I sure hope you didnt volunteer the 411 about spoiling your ex in the past etc etc. If I were you, Id put my foot down and tell me wife that when this happened I had little to no financial repsonsibilities, and that today this is no longer the case, and we cant afford to blow money the way we used to. Of course, that wouldnt make her feel any better. I hate the silent treatment, withholding sex and all the other passive aggressive behaviors that come with it. Stand your ground and be real about it, she will get over it eventually.
Yeah - I don't think that's the right call at all. As someone who has been in a similar (albeit much smaller and less catastrophic) situation - I think he needs to sit down with her and try to get her to understand that he loves her and that he chose to spend his life with her and not his ex. Like I said - if you found out that your spouse made these grand gestures to show their ex how much they loved them - and they didn't do things like that for you - it might be a bit upsetting until you let yourself see that sometimes grand gestures aren't really a measure of love or anything real.
This is getting her to understand.
It's allowing her to become invovled in her realtionship by being an active part in all aspects. Not just what she deems as important to her.
If her perspective is already so out of whack that she cannot understand financing, saving for the future and what money MEANS to the realtionship as a whole all the "love talk" in the world won't change crap.
Talk is only one component to following through on the choices we make.
What does your wife do with her life OP?
Does she work?
What does she do with her days in and days out?
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