Mom and Fiance hate each other (women, love, husband, family)
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I don't know where to start, because it's a long story but I'll make it short as possible. Basically I moved to another state for a job, the state was also the state where my mom lived. Around the time that I move, I also found out I was pregnant. So I moved in with my mom to get help. My fiance, stayed in the state I was originally living in because of his lease, and we both agreed that once his lease was up he would join me in the state I moved to and get our own place, in the mean time we would pay off all of our debt, so that by the time the baby was born we'd be relatively debt free and wouldn't have to focus so much on bills and whatnot. The problem was that we ended up buying a home, that would not be ready until a month after our baby's due date. So we would need a temporary place to stay with the baby, while we wait to move into our home. My mom agreed that we could stay at her place.
Now during the time that I've lived with my mom, throughout the pregnancy, there were a lot of issues with her that were a bit troubling. Her beliefs are very extreme, she is bitter(just recently divorced my dad), impulsive, and controlling. She also has "good days" and "bad days". Bad days include her being upset, crying a lot, moping around etc--and these days are usually a result of people disagreeing with her extreme beliefs. Good days include her smiling a lot, being positive, friendly, helpful, loving, etc. So obviously it has been a whirlwind living with her. Toward the end of the pregnancy she started having more bad days than good, which became stressful for me. But still, I told my fiance that it was still okay for him to come stay with her for the month while we waited for our home. I failed to mention her extreme beliefs, her bad and good days, and the fact that if you disagree with her it can send her into anger or depression. In other words, she's unstable, and this was something I was unaware prior to living with her. She has changed COMPLETELY since divorcing my dad, and the change has been very bizzare for my entire family.
But even with that being said, she helped out a TON during the pregnancy, bought the baby a TON of stuff, and has been very sweet to me. Just want to make that known.
Anyway, he got down here last week, and the first week was relatively fine. In order to avoid my mom trying to "teach" her beliefs to him, like she does to EVERYONE she meets, me and him stayed in the guest room a majority of time, or went out. The fiance and my mom had very little interaction. But he was polite and respectful while he was staying there.
I went into labor on Wednesday and it was a long hard labor(22 hours) with a lot of complications. During the labor my fiance was a HUGE support system, it was my first baby and it was very hard and traumatizing for me. At one point during the labor after we were told troubling news about the baby being stressed out with each contraction, my mom started rambling to my fiance about her beliefs about the law of attraction, how much she is anti-doctor, and about how people who die, die because they want to. Now the last line bothered my fiance, who lost a cousin, recently, who was only 7. I could sense an argument brewing, so I asked them to stop. My mom talked over me and told me she would not be shut up. But the fiance stopped and ignored her. Well that made mom angry, and she got up and left and said to call her when I was 8 cm dilated.
When she left, it sent me into such distress that I almost had to get a c-section, and had to wear an oxygen mask the rest of the labor. I was very upset. She did come back at the end of labor, stayed, and then left shortly after the baby was born. I couldn't believe that she would be so inappropriate and petty during labor.
My fiance could not either. He was offended by her views about death, and angry about her behavior during my labor. He told me he no longer felt comfortable living with her while we waited for our home, and that he didn't even like her anymore based on how callous she was. But since we really had nowhere to go, I told him to just try to be polite and respectful and to keep in mind our stay would be temporary.
So over the next couple of days while we were in the hospital she would visit, and the fiance would either stay away from her, or be very short but polite with her(civil). On Friday when she came to visit, she was holding the baby a bit crazy and fiance told her so. It made her mad, and she left. Then two hours later sends me text messages saying my fiance can no longer stay with her because she does not like his attitude, and that she makes the rules not him, and on and on and on. I called her, only to be cursed at, yelled, etc, about how disrespectful he was, unappreciative, and how much she didn't like his attitude. When I tried to talk to her, she would talk over me, yell, etc. The issue is that I was discharged today, so she informed me that he could no longer stay with her a day before I was discharged. It was very spontaneous and we then had to make an arrangement for the fiance to stay somewhere else. He is staying with a friend that lives about 45-60 minutes away.
Obviously as you can imagine my fiance REALLY dislikes her now. And she really dislikes him. She feels that because he barely interacted with her prior to labor, his attitude after labor, and the fact that she helped out a ton with the pregnancy and baby and got no "thanks" from him that he owes her an apology. And the fiance feels that she owes him an apology for saying what she did about his cousin, and for her behavior during labor. Neither one of them is willing to apologize to the other. I am very sad and hurt by this, because I just had a baby and this has been very stressful. Tonight was the first night without my fiance being there to help me, since he cannot stay here, and it was hard. Previously at the hospital he had been very helpful and was the main one taking care of the baby while I rested and breastfed. And now my family is split apart. I will not see the fiance until this weekend, and mom only helps out with the baby during the day, at night I'm my own(which is when the baby is up most of the time)
I'm very angry with my mom, but she DID take care of me during the pregnancy, has done a lot for the baby, and I do love her. She was essentially my best friend up until recently. I want her to apologize to me for her behavior, but she's acting like nothing happened. She sees me crying and just pretends like it isn't happening.
Anyway the dilemma is this:
They both hate each other now, and I don't know what to do. I feel like they both have valid reasons to be angry with each one another. But I just wish they would get along, neither of them want anything to do with the other, and fiance has went as far as to say that he wants no dealings with her anymore, and doesn't even know if he wants the baby to be around her once we move into the home. Mom just belittles and bashes him every chance she gets, and acts as though nothing is wrong. She basically feels that she did no wrong. And she wants an apology from him, and he wants one from her. Neither are willing to say sorry to the other. How do I deal with this?
It's so stressful?
Your fiance should of just ignored what she had to say. What would be the point of winning an argument over something so petty about your mom's beliefs of the law of attraction
I understand he was bothered by her beliefs but you need to pick and choose your battles. He should of been a bigger man about it.
Also, I don't think your mom owes him anything. Yes what she said was inappropriate but if she WANTS to apologize that is on her. Who is he to come into the picture and DEMAND an apology when he isn't even your husband yet.
It wasn't the best living situation but your mom still helped you guys MORE THAN ANY OTHER PERSON WOULD HAVE.
I don't know your mom but I would try to let it go and let things cool off. I would also be the bigger person even though you are having a disagreement and THANK her for what she did.
If she believes in the LOA then she will eventually come around and apologize herself. You know she is going to want to be part of the babies life.
He was upset because she told him that his 7 year old cousin died because he wanted to die. It was insensitive and inappropriate(I'm in labor, hello). But I agree with the rest of your post-he has no right to demand an apology. But I feel that I do.
It sounds like your mom is suffering from depression. People do and say irrationally things when they are depressed - and they can be very defensive, refuse to take responsibility for their actions and lose sight of what is important by becoming very selfish and self centered. It's not unusual for someone who is depressed to push people away from them. As stressful as that can be for you and your fiance (it's understandably very upsetting to not be able to be with the father of your child just after the baby's birth), try to be sympathetic and remember your situation is only temporary. There is not much you can do with her right now - she's not going to change and come out of her depression overnight. She needs a therapist and possibly even an intervention to convince her that she needs helps but that is not something you can arrange at the moment - wait until you're settled into your new home. At the moment, all you can do remind yourself that she is not herself and deal with it.
As for your fiance, I think he also needs to realize that your mother is suffering from depression and that means he needs to be the bigger person. You need him right now and he could be there for you if he would just swallow his pride and do whatever your mother asks for the sake of his fiance and child. But he refuses to do so. He needs to look at the bigger picture instead of stubbornly focusing on this petty matter with a woman suffering from depression.
He was upset because she told him that his 7 year old cousin died because he wanted to die. It was insensitive and inappropriate(I'm in labor, hello). But I agree with the rest of your post-he has no right to demand an apology.
I don't know her but sounds like she has some wierd spiritual beliefs that she was trying to convey unless she is that crazy to say something so insensitive and mean spirited to someone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunkisses87
But I feel that I do.
I don't feel the need to demand an apology from anyone. I choose to forgive or not to forgive whether they apologize or not. Sometimes I have arguments with family and friends and we just move on. If we can't agree on something that serious or they wrong me that bad then I won't associate with them anymore.
All three of you are going through some of the biggest changes that will ever occur in your lives. New baby; joining in a committed relationship; breaking up a relationship; settling into a new home; becoming a grandmother .....
My first thought would be to suggest counseling for all three of you; your mother sounds like she really needs it; but I bet that would fly about as well as a pig without wings. Since you are moving into a new home, you might regard that as an impetus to make a fresh start. Your mother and fiance sound like strong-willed, stubborn people who are not likely to apologize to one another (not sure what that would accomplish since it's likely neither would mean it and only do it on your assistance). You should not be stuck in the middle as a mediator - maybe you ought to become the law maker.
After you've moved in, giving yourself time to get used to being a family unit, suggest to your fiance that all three of you sit down and map out what to expect from one another in the future. #1 (IMO) would be boundaries. For the sake of peace, there are simply some things that your mother will just have to keep her yap shut about when in your home. Your house - your rules. Most likely, she'll go into victim/manipulator/guilt inducing mode and just not visit, but stick to your guns. "Mom, we love you, we want you to be a part of your grandchild's life, but certain behavior will not be tolerated while you are visiting." Similarly, your fiance needs to develop a sense of detachment. He rose to her bait while you were delivering the child you two made together when his focus should have been exclusively on you.
Try to at least get your mother to talk to her doctor. She's certainly having a hard time dealing with her divorce, now she faces the life changes in seeing her daughter focus (as you should) on these new people, possibly giving her feelings of being left behind and feeling diminished. She may even be entering menopause.
You ought to check this board as well Forum title - Board Main - Forum listings
there are some very wise women over there; most of whom have dealt with such difficult family issues.
I don't know where to start, because it's a long story but I'll make it short as possible. Basically I moved to another state for a job, the state was also the state where my mom lived. Around the time that I move, I also found out I was pregnant. So I moved in with my mom to get help. My fiance, stayed in the state I was originally living in because of his lease, and we both agreed that once his lease was up he would join me in the state I moved to and get our own place, in the mean time we would pay off all of our debt, so that by the time the baby was born we'd be relatively debt free and wouldn't have to focus so much on bills and whatnot. The problem was that we ended up buying a home, that would not be ready until a month after our baby's due date. So we would need a temporary place to stay with the baby, while we wait to move into our home. My mom agreed that we could stay at her place.
Now during the time that I've lived with my mom, throughout the pregnancy, there were a lot of issues with her that were a bit troubling. Her beliefs are very extreme, she is bitter(just recently divorced my dad), impulsive, and controlling. She also has "good days" and "bad days". Bad days include her being upset, crying a lot, moping around etc--and these days are usually a result of people disagreeing with her extreme beliefs. Good days include her smiling a lot, being positive, friendly, helpful, loving, etc. So obviously it has been a whirlwind living with her. Toward the end of the pregnancy she started having more bad days than good, which became stressful for me. But still, I told my fiance that it was still okay for him to come stay with her for the month while we waited for our home. I failed to mention her extreme beliefs, her bad and good days, and the fact that if you disagree with her it can send her into anger or depression. In other words, she's unstable, and this was something I was unaware prior to living with her. She has changed COMPLETELY since divorcing my dad, and the change has been very bizzare for my entire family.
But even with that being said, she helped out a TON during the pregnancy, bought the baby a TON of stuff, and has been very sweet to me. Just want to make that known.
Anyway, he got down here last week, and the first week was relatively fine. In order to avoid my mom trying to "teach" her beliefs to him, like she does to EVERYONE she meets, me and him stayed in the guest room a majority of time, or went out. The fiance and my mom had very little interaction. But he was polite and respectful while he was staying there.
I went into labor on Wednesday and it was a long hard labor(22 hours) with a lot of complications. During the labor my fiance was a HUGE support system, it was my first baby and it was very hard and traumatizing for me. At one point during the labor after we were told troubling news about the baby being stressed out with each contraction, my mom started rambling to my fiance about her beliefs about the law of attraction, how much she is anti-doctor, and about how people who die, die because they want to. Now the last line bothered my fiance, who lost a cousin, recently, who was only 7. I could sense an argument brewing, so I asked them to stop. My mom talked over me and told me she would not be shut up. But the fiance stopped and ignored her. Well that made mom angry, and she got up and left and said to call her when I was 8 cm dilated.
When she left, it sent me into such distress that I almost had to get a c-section, and had to wear an oxygen mask the rest of the labor. I was very upset. She did come back at the end of labor, stayed, and then left shortly after the baby was born. I couldn't believe that she would be so inappropriate and petty during labor.
My fiance could not either. He was offended by her views about death, and angry about her behavior during my labor. He told me he no longer felt comfortable living with her while we waited for our home, and that he didn't even like her anymore based on how callous she was. But since we really had nowhere to go, I told him to just try to be polite and respectful and to keep in mind our stay would be temporary.
So over the next couple of days while we were in the hospital she would visit, and the fiance would either stay away from her, or be very short but polite with her(civil). On Friday when she came to visit, she was holding the baby a bit crazy and fiance told her so. It made her mad, and she left. Then two hours later sends me text messages saying my fiance can no longer stay with her because she does not like his attitude, and that she makes the rules not him, and on and on and on. I called her, only to be cursed at, yelled, etc, about how disrespectful he was, unappreciative, and how much she didn't like his attitude. When I tried to talk to her, she would talk over me, yell, etc. The issue is that I was discharged today, so she informed me that he could no longer stay with her a day before I was discharged. It was very spontaneous and we then had to make an arrangement for the fiance to stay somewhere else. He is staying with a friend that lives about 45-60 minutes away.
Obviously as you can imagine my fiance REALLY dislikes her now. And she really dislikes him. She feels that because he barely interacted with her prior to labor, his attitude after labor, and the fact that she helped out a ton with the pregnancy and baby and got no "thanks" from him that he owes her an apology. And the fiance feels that she owes him an apology for saying what she did about his cousin, and for her behavior during labor. Neither one of them is willing to apologize to the other. I am very sad and hurt by this, because I just had a baby and this has been very stressful. Tonight was the first night without my fiance being there to help me, since he cannot stay here, and it was hard. Previously at the hospital he had been very helpful and was the main one taking care of the baby while I rested and breastfed. And now my family is split apart. I will not see the fiance until this weekend, and mom only helps out with the baby during the day, at night I'm my own(which is when the baby is up most of the time)
I'm very angry with my mom, but she DID take care of me during the pregnancy, has done a lot for the baby, and I do love her. She was essentially my best friend up until recently. I want her to apologize to me for her behavior, but she's acting like nothing happened. She sees me crying and just pretends like it isn't happening.
Anyway the dilemma is this:
They both hate each other now, and I don't know what to do. I feel like they both have valid reasons to be angry with each one another. But I just wish they would get along, neither of them want anything to do with the other, and fiance has went as far as to say that he wants no dealings with her anymore, and doesn't even know if he wants the baby to be around her once we move into the home. Mom just belittles and bashes him every chance she gets, and acts as though nothing is wrong. She basically feels that she did no wrong. And she wants an apology from him, and he wants one from her. Neither are willing to say sorry to the other. How do I deal with this?
It's so stressful?
Did you watch Bewitched? A mother in law and the husband don't get along either....
I would recommend telling both of them that you love both of them and that you don't want to be put in a position of choosing between them.
I would ask them (separately from each other) to try to ignore the other one as much as possible.
(I don't think it would be possible for them to get along, especially if the mom seems to have become bipolar (probably divorce has damaged her emotions too much and that sent her over the edge). Your mom needs to be seen as an emotionally disabled person and treated "with gloves on".
In other words, the husband will have to understand that she has disability (emotional) and to try not to act with her as with a normal person. Tell him to EXPECT her to talk nonsense (this will help him to not get too angry at what she is saying) and to humor her like he would humor a small child who doesn't know any better. To humor for the sake of piece and to NOT expect her to act like a normal person and to expect her to come up with bizarre ideas and to never take her ideas seriously. (this will help him not to feel angry about the disagreements)
Be nice to your mom. Meanness will send her over the edge to the 'bad' days side. Also treat her as a child that needs to be humored.
Then I would recommend the husband (I don't think it would work with your mom, I don't think she would be willing to do so), but your husband might: to be around your mom AS LESS AS POSSIBLE.
You have to convince him that your mom is sick and needs help and you can't just leave her. She is your mother. She needs to be able to see her granddaughter. But have him not be there when she is there. Avoidance and humoring is the best ways to go I think.
They DO NOT HAVE TO see each other ever. There is no reason for him to come and visit her. Traditions say that it's the normal way to do things. But some situations are not normal and life has to be adjusted accordingly. Life is not "fit all" socks. I am not sure about the holidays. You might have to do some compromising there: one year you and your child go see your mom, the other time, you go see his parents. But he doesn't have to see your mom. And the most important thing is: don't make things to be out of principle. That always messes things up. He might say: out of principle, you have to celebrate Christmas on Dec 25 with me and forget any compromises. But hopefully, you can convince him that living "on principle" will cause problems. It would be easier if you two will say things like: well, on 24th, we'll celebrate with your family or by ourselves, but on 25th, I'll go see my mom.... or something like that...
Your mom's personality sounds very much like my ex-fiancee's mom. That is the primary reason she is my ex-fiancee. Since you have a baby she and your fiance are going to have to come up with some way to tolerate each other but based on what you have said he will probably never forgive her.
Sunkisses I am so very sorry for the totally unnecessary drama you had to put up with....especially while giving birth to your very first child...I can only imagine how difficult and stressful that situation had to be for you
I can't offer any advice and will leave that to othes here but I just want to wish you and your baby the very best of everything.
I am so sorry you were put in the middle when you really needed support yourself . . .I think I would try to forgive both of them and pray that they forgive each other . . . In the meantime, do as someone as suggested above . . . have a heartfelt conversation with each of them separately, telling them how much you love them and that you also love the other person and that you need their support . . .basically ask them to be on their best behavior for your sake and the sake of your child and family harmony.
Is there something that could lighten the situation up a bit? Do you have other relatives that could take the focus off of those two? Can you all do something fun together (I know this sounds extreme) . . .
It would be nice if your mom could understand that her beliefs are just beliefs not "truths" and that everyone has their own beliefs. It would be great if she could understand that your fiance does not share those beliefs and was offended at the implication that his cousin wanted to die when he does not believe that. It's ok for your mom to believe that, but where she is "wrong" is assuming other people MUST believe the same thing as her and forcing her beliefs on them and being insensitive to their beliefs . . .and it was an inappropriate subject for your labor, for sure. The fact that she was not aware of that is really disturbing. Did you talk to her about your feelings of being abandoned by her in labor? and the fact that she created a chasm with your finance? That was very selfish and insensitive . . .but I understand you are in a difficult position with her if she cannot or will not see that.
It sounds like they are both very stubborn. I would pray and do "Ho Oponopono," which if your mom has alternative beliefs, might also appeal to her. It is a basically a forgiveness exercise.
Good luck!
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