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An example: early in our relationship I invited myself to her hotel room for tea after a date. This was an important step that accelerated the relationship forward; at the same time she is upset I wasn't considerate enough: a colleague of her might have seen me or the walls of the room might have been too thin (although nothing happened that night).
I find myself in a paradoxical situation. I often take the lead in situations, which I feel are important for the relationship, and, at the time, she enjoys them. Then, after a few days, prompted by her mother, regret kicks in. If it was for her mother, we wouldn't even kiss untill we are married.
She also expresses dislike for my "dominance" in small things like me being the first to end the phone call. She sometimes even accuses me of things that seem unreasonable -- like "I want to control her". I am quite liberal and couldn't care less about that. She is a feminist. I often find myself in leadership positions at work, am described as a good leader in social dancing; at the same time I have had it said than I am pushy, lack empathy, am goal-orientated, too confident and unwilling to compromise.
Last edited by Leopold_Bloom; 10-24-2015 at 09:24 AM..
The last sentence: do you believe those things to be true?
From what I'm getting, she lets you lead but then gets frustrated days later? Sounds like she feels like she is losing autonomy. It also sounds like you don't feel that way and you do value her opinion, but she isn't offering it. Am I right?
Maybe offer her some opportunities to make decisions first. Some people just have difficulty making them.
Also, as with anything, communicate with her about the issue to find out what would make her feel better.
My neighbors across the street have that type of dynamic. She's managerial type A personality and the husband is very laid back. Its a funny dynamic that even they recognize and poke fun at.
It doesn't seem to bother him much and she knows when to stop pushing it.... but the key is that they are both tolerant of each other's personalities. No idea how they manage to evolve their relationship to that point.. but they did.
I tend to make most of the decisions in our family... but it doesn't mean my wife doesn't have influence (except when it comes to children... she's the dominant decision maker). Even if I already "know the answer" we go through the motions of discussing and hashing out as a couple. It doesn't matter that we arrived at the same answer. The key is that we arrived at the answer together... my wife feels like she is apart of the process.
PS> The "unwilling to compromise" part, if true/accurate, is going to be a killer in many of your relationships.
Why does she have to adapt? She could leave you. You said she's a feminist. Feminists are not wilting flowers. They often have strong willed exteriors.
The last sentence: do you believe those things to be true?
From what I'm getting, she lets you lead but then gets frustrated days later? Sounds like she feels like she is losing autonomy. It also sounds like you don't feel that way and you do value her opinion, but she isn't offering it. Am I right?
Maybe offer her some opportunities to make decisions first. Some people just have difficulty making them.
Also, as with anything, communicate with her about the issue to find out what would make her feel better.
She often does in fact feel (and says verbally) that she is losing autonomy, that is becoming too dependent on me, that she can't say no to me. She also often complains that she doesn't have a firm stance of her own, be it decisions or even views on global affairs.
The last sentence. I think those things are quite objective: I can be pushy and overly confident; but I am willing to work on those things. I think I am capable of compromise, although probably it is not my default position.
I think some pushiness was needed for the relationship to progress; but now would want to create a stable equilibrium where we both feel that our needs are being met.
Last edited by Leopold_Bloom; 10-24-2015 at 09:46 AM..
She often does in fact feel (and says verbally) that she is losing autonomy, that is becoming too dependent on me, that she can't say no to me. She also often complains that she doesn't have a firm stance of her own, be it decisions or even views on global affairs.
The last sentence. I think those things are quite objective: I can be pushy and arrogant; but I am willing to work on those things.
I think some pushiness was needed for the relationship to progress; but now would want to create a stable equilibrium where we both feel that our needs are met.
Have you asked her what will make her feel better about these types of situations going forward? It's better to be proactive beforehand than being reactive when a situation occurs.
My neighbors across the street have that type of dynamic. She's managerial type A personality and the husband is very laid back. Its a funny dynamic that even they recognize and poke fun at.
It doesn't seem to bother him much and she knows when to stop pushing it.... but the key is that they are both tolerant of each other's personalities. No idea how they manage to evolve their relationship to that point.. but they did.
I tend to make most of the decisions in our family... but it doesn't mean my wife doesn't have influence (except when it comes to children... she's the dominant decision maker). Even if I already "know the answer" we go through the motions of discussing and hashing out as a couple. It doesn't matter that we arrived at the same answer. The key is that we arrived at the answer together... my wife feels like she is apart of the process.
PS> The "unwilling to compromise" part, if true/accurate, is going to be a killer in many of your relationships.
My girlfriend articulated something similar. It is not that she didn't like the outcomes of my decisions and on some level she even wanted me to take that lead. What she feels is that she does not have the option to say no, that she is not consulted enough. I find this very confusing -- I feel we do talk about everything. She says that she feels that my default position from the get go is that I am right and that bothers her. I guess I need to work on making her feel more part of the decision making process.
Last edited by Leopold_Bloom; 10-24-2015 at 10:13 AM..
She says that she feels that my default position from the get go is that I am right and that bothers her. I guess I need to work on making her feel more part of the decision making process.
Um, yes. That is essential in any relationship. At least show that you CONSIDER her feelings.
The way you write makes you sound like a robot.
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