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It would have been better to have figured this out prior to five years into a relationship with and marriage to a person who does want children, under the auspices that he did, too.
That would be FAR more worthy of an "attaboy."
Now she's left with having wasted years with someone whose wants are incompatible with hers, despite him entering into things leading her to believe otherwise.
This is true. However, at least he is admitting this before actually having kids with her.
The use of the phrase "wasted years" implies that she got nothing else out of the relationship. I have a hard time believing that.
Yeah, that is kind of funny. I guess that means that if there is no baby at the end, everything else has just been a total waste. Didn't learn anything. Didn't have an good experiences. Just gotta have the baby at the end because that is the only thing that has worth in the relationship.
since it was discussed "early" in the realtionship it should have been revisited by BOTH of them before taking the next step.
It was presumably years in between dating and already in to the marriage before the topic was broached again...
Sounds like a classic case of living in the past and never checking in on the present
Well, clearly the topic been broached as stated in the OP:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfagirl
Here comes the big problem- My husband told me a few weeks ago he isn't sure anymore if he wants kids. I was already suspecting something, because we hadn't talked about kids in several months, and he always seemed to get uncomfortable when the topic came up.
OP, I had a SIL who knowingly married a guy who didn't want kids. She figured at the time, hey, we're 20, he'll grow out of it. Nearly 15 years later, turns out that she's just shocked that he didn't. Her husband was like yours, loved the freedom, loved the life, great with other people's kids. Since divorce was a "dirty" word and neither were going to do it-- it meant that somebody was going have to cave in. SIL got her way; she told him that he'll appreciate that she pushed for this, will come to appreciate the life and all.
Well... He never did come around. He still lives his life the way he did before, but begrudgingly does his parental obligations. He never really bonded with the kids, his resentment stands in the way. He's still great with other people's kids, his kids desperately latch onto those times he plays with other kids because that's when Daddy's "cool". He purposely works holidays. He doesn't pay one red cent for family holidays, all that vacation money goes to his fishing/hunting/boating expeditions (which of course the kids are not allowed on). I can remember after the first one was born, that my SIL realized she wanted to be a SAHM-- he just about had an aneurysm, he wasn't going havethat at his expense. (They could afford to live very comfortably on just his income.) The kids are a very sore point in that marriage-- and the kids know it.
So please don't listen to your friends about your husband just needing to grow up/older (which is pretty condescending BTW). And don't place so much on the hope that he'll come around. Either he wants it or not, and if not... Then you need to decide what you can live with.
Yeah, that is kind of funny. I guess that means that if there is no baby at the end, everything else has just been a total waste. Didn't learn anything. Didn't have an good experiences. Just gotta have the baby at the end because that is the only thing that has worth in the relationship.
You read my mind. That is exactly what I was thinking when I saw that post.
C'mon, just a few weeks ago there was a guy in here saying his wife changed her mind from not wanting to wanting and there was a lot of support for her saying she had a right to change her mind and that maybe as the tick tock got louder she wanted this and on and on. But now? You guys never stop amazing me.
He doesn't want them now, he has that right. This is waayy better than having them for the wrong reasons and not really wanting them. The last thing this world needs is more unwanted kids. If you have them, both people involved should be ALL IN.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver8ack
C'mon, just a few weeks ago there was a guy in here saying his wife changed her mind from not wanting to wanting and there was a lot of support for her saying she had a right to change her mind and that maybe as the tick tock got louder she wanted this and on and on. But now? You guys never stop amazing me.
He doesn't want them now, he has that right. This is waayy better than having them for the wrong reasons and not really wanting them. The last thing this world needs is more unwanted kids. If you have them, both people involved should be ALL IN.
That's nothing. People here cr&*ped on me a few weeks ago because I said as a childfree guy I would not seriously date someone who definitely wanted kids or was even undecided.
Yeah, that is kind of funny. I guess that means that if there is no baby at the end, everything else has just been a total waste. Didn't learn anything. Didn't have an good experiences. Just gotta have the baby at the end because that is the only thing that has worth in the relationship.
Not at all.
It IS a waste of years if one party is under the impression that they're looking at a long-term partnership and building a life together, when the other party knows they're not on the same page. It is the very definition of stringing somebody along, when you know you have different values that aren't able to coexist. And it's definitely a waste of time, when someone's concealing an irreconcilable incompatiblity from you. All of that time spent with that person is time you could have been spending with someone who IS compatible with you. That's far more the reality than "having a baby being the only thing that has worth in the relationship."
Know what should have worth in the relationship? Honesty. When you are with somebody who wants kids, and you know you don't, but pull a bait and switch for whatever reasons of your own, that's not honesty. That's wasting somebody's time acting like you're somebody you're not, when, truth be known, they likely would not have chosen you, had they known.
Right, I know what needs to be done. I seem to have found the answer which is to "put your money where your moth is" and go have the Snippies (vasectomy) which is what I did when I decided I did not want kids. That way it is very difficult for a woman to think you will change your mind later. (as long as you tell them at the start).
Of course, it is possible to adopt, but as long as the man is firing blanks, there is no doubt that he is serious about his opinion.
Unrelated to this, but unfortunately, I know loads of people who have got divorced right after their first baby was born because the man did not like the changed situation. and went off to have an affair. Obviously, there are many reasons for divorce but do we really want another one to choose from?
I think there are men who are good with babies and young children and there are men who are better with older kids when they can relate to them as more like adults. Few are good with kids with ages all the way from babies to young adults. Maybe it just comes back to our different genetic makeup, men are hunters and women are homemakers?
My firm belief is that many men like to be the only one who gets the wife's attention and babies need a lot of attention and that puts the mans nose out of joint and pisses him off. It is only a theory but seems to hold water as far as I can tell. The man probably cannot argue when he has produced this baby yet he sees his wife giving another person all this attention and little to him. He cannot do anything about it so the only recourse is to find another woman to give him attention. Just my opinion of course but something to think about.
I'm sure she's gotten a lot from the relationship, so it isn't just wasted time and either person can change their mind at any time about kids, but I would feel duped if I spent so many years with someone planning a future together that included children and then after the wedding they decide they actually don't want kids. It's his right to change his mind, but what a blow for the OP, seriously what isn't to understand about that?
OP, if you really want children, then I think it's a mistake to wait around five years hoping he will change his mind back again. You want a family, he doesn't. There can be no compromise. Imagine how resentful you will if in five years he hasn't changed his mind. That's five years you could have been getting a divorce, dating, and finding a man who wants a family with you.
As awful as it will be to get a divorce now over this, I think it's what I would do.
I'm sure she's gotten a lot from the relationship, so it isn't just wasted time and either person can change their mind at any time about kids, but I would feel duped if I spent so many years with someone planning a future together that included children and then after the wedding they decide they actually don't want kids. It's his right to change his mind, but what a blow for the OP, seriously what isn't to understand about that?
OP, if you really want children, then I think it's a mistake to wait around five years hoping he will change his mind back again. You want a family, he doesn't. There can be no compromise. Imagine how resentful you will if in five years he hasn't changed his mind. That's five years you could have been getting a divorce, dating, and finding a man who wants a family with you.
As awful as it will be to get a divorce now over this, I think it's what I would do.
People have a right to change their mind about wanting kids, BUT they should let the other person know that ASAP. That's the only selfish part.
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