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The context I want to give this debate or question about being wanted verses needed is geared more toward romantic relationships though. Relationships are so dynamic obviously and what makes romantic relationships different from the rest of all the different types of relationships out there is they are completely voluntarily or should be at least. One can navigate throughout society and life without ever having a romantic relationship and do just fine, but try doing anything substantial without developing business relationships, customer relationships, employee relationships, etc. It goes without saying we all are dependent on another person in one way or another in the big picture of things from the time we enter this planet till the time we leave it.
The reason I am bringing up this debate or question about being wanted verses needed is because of a personal relationship I have been experiencing the past 6 months and coming to the feeling that I'm not needed. I had this rush of needing to feel needed recently.
I know some men out there want their women to be as dependent on them as possible in one way or another, most the time economically, because it gives them more power and makes it easier to control their women. I am not after seeking a power trip or looking for a weak women I can just push around like a puppet. Just like women want a man who can take care of himself for the most part, I respect and adore a strong women who can handle her own.
When i say the word needed other words that come to my mind that have a similar connotation would be: useful, purpose, helpful, important.
Since romantic relationships are so dynamic the needed verses wanted will have different degrees depending on the context of the relationship. Obviously a couple who has been married for 10 years and raising 4 kids together will have a much higher degree of needing one another then a couple who just met off tinder 2 months ago who have only been casual dating.
So depending on the dynamic of the relationship the definition of the word needed is going to vary.
The desire to feel needed is a very important actual need that people have IMO. I think we all seek to be wanted by another person romantically yes, but the deeper fulfillment and empowerment is when you feel needed.
Maybe I am overthinking all of this.... But a good personal example I'll give is I ended up leaving a pretty good paying job last year because I really didn't feel needed, wanted sure, but not needed. The paycheck was nice, but the purpose was lacking. It's a good feeling to feel needed, it's empowering.
What's your take on this wanted verses being needed in your dating/romantic relationships? Yes being too needy with someone will make you co-dependent but at the end of the day we are all more vulnerable then we would like to admit. How is the grey line between wanted verses needed separated? Are they one in the same?
You left out 'loved' in your debate. There is no debate between 'wanted' and 'needed'. Neither one is important or even has to have romance as a component of it.
I want a chocolate bar. Connotates instant gratification of a whim.
I need a chocolate bar. The fulfillment of a craving.
I love chocolate bars. Perhaps so much that I am never without them. I make a point of being around them, and savor every moment when partaking of one.
Love is romantic. You can want or need just about anything - no romance required.
Must be too early yet this morning. Took me almost to the end of your post before I realized you weren't looking for something romantically poetic to say
It was part of my relationship philosophy when I got out of the bad marriage to the ex, that never again did I want to feel stuck or trapped with a partner when I did not want to be there. I wanted to only be with someone because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be. The reasons I stayed with the ex for many years after realizing that he and I were not really compatible and I was not going to be happy with him, was all about doing "the right thing" as I saw it at the time, and believing I could not get anyone better, and feeling I somehow deserved him, and that the kids needed their father and I needed a partner to help me navigate adult life.
Lots of need. No want. And it's one of his most frequent accusations he slings at me, that I "never wanted him." He says I should have cut him loose long ago, nevermind what was good for the kids, because I "didn't want him" and when he was younger he would have had a better chance of finding a woman who did.
With the better relationship I am now in, there was a lot of want on the front end. We took our time building both mutual desire and mutual love. Neither of us were in desperate straits and needing someone to help us survive. There was nothing obligatory about it when we moved in together, as we've made choices to be more "serious" and all. Over time, of course, things get more entangled. We do things for one another and come to rely upon one another. Some "need" starts to creep in, where if my partner suddenly were to vanish it would cause me difficulty. That reliance has to come with a building of trust, I think.
There are healthy and unhealthy versions of want and need. If you want someone who is the very opposite of what you need, right up front, then you pick someone who will cause you a lot of problems. If you use need to try and leverage want out of someone, you're being manipulative. My ex is in that game now, trying to draw women who have serious life problems he can "rescue" them from, banking on them being so appreciative it makes them want him. He did that with me, too, all those years ago, it is kind of a pattern. But you cannot make someone want you, by making them need you.
It was part of my relationship philosophy when I got out of the bad marriage to the ex, that never again did I want to feel stuck or trapped with a partner when I did not want to be there. I wanted to only be with someone because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be. The reasons I stayed with the ex for many years after realizing that he and I were not really compatible and I was not going to be happy with him, was all about doing "the right thing" as I saw it at the time, and believing I could not get anyone better, and feeling I somehow deserved him, and that the kids needed their father and I needed a partner to help me navigate adult life.
Lots of need. No want. And it's one of his most frequent accusations he slings at me, that I "never wanted him." He says I should have cut him loose long ago, nevermind what was good for the kids, because I "didn't want him" and when he was younger he would have had a better chance of finding a woman who did.
With the better relationship I am now in, there was a lot of want on the front end. We took our time building both mutual desire and mutual love. Neither of us were in desperate straits and needing someone to help us survive. There was nothing obligatory about it when we moved in together, as we've made choices to be more "serious" and all. Over time, of course, things get more entangled. We do things for one another and come to rely upon one another. Some "need" starts to creep in, where if my partner suddenly were to vanish it would cause me difficulty. That reliance has to come with a building of trust, I think.
There are healthy and unhealthy versions of want and need. If you want someone who is the very opposite of what you need, right up front, then you pick someone who will cause you a lot of problems. If you use need to try and leverage want out of someone, you're being manipulative. My ex is in that game now, trying to draw women who have serious life problems he can "rescue" them from, banking on them being so appreciative it makes them want him. He did that with me, too, all those years ago, it is kind of a pattern. But you cannot make someone want you, by making them need you.
Wow, thank you so much for your very insightful response. This is exactly the articulate response I was seeking. I like the notion about putting a lot of want on the front end of a relationship, that's definitely the healthier way to approach relationships then trying to load a bunch of "needs" on the front end instead.
Also I really love the quote, "if you use need to try and leverage want out of someone, you're being manipulative".
I have two daughters and I've always asked them to be very wary of becoming dependent on a man. Financially, emotionally, logistically (moving somewhere isolated). There are too many ways to be happy that don't require those arrangements.
Regarding the question more generally, I want to be wanted, and I want to be able to provide for things my partner needs. I have distant fantasies of being the only man who can provide some things she needs, but that's not really important. I know I'm playing a role another man could play, just as she's playing a role another women could for me. But we've found something in each other that would be difficult to find again, and while I know there's potentially another man out for her, Saturday I sat next to her as we drove through the fall colors, seeing them together for the 20th time and it feeling like the first.
The context I want to give this debate or question about being wanted verses needed is geared more toward romantic relationships though. Relationships are so dynamic obviously and what makes romantic relationships different from the rest of all the different types of relationships out there is they are completely voluntarily or should be at least. One can navigate throughout society and life without ever having a romantic relationship and do just fine, but try doing anything substantial without developing business relationships, customer relationships, employee relationships, etc. It goes without saying we all are dependent on another person in one way or another in the big picture of things from the time we enter this planet till the time we leave it.
The reason I am bringing up this debate or question about being wanted verses needed is because of a personal relationship I have been experiencing the past 6 months and coming to the feeling that I'm not needed. I had this rush of needing to feel needed recently.
I know some men out there want their women to be as dependent on them as possible in one way or another, most the time economically, because it gives them more power and makes it easier to control their women. I am not after seeking a power trip or looking for a weak women I can just push around like a puppet. Just like women want a man who can take care of himself for the most part, I respect and adore a strong women who can handle her own.
When i say the word needed other words that come to my mind that have a similar connotation would be: useful, purpose, helpful, important.
Since romantic relationships are so dynamic the needed verses wanted will have different degrees depending on the context of the relationship. Obviously a couple who has been married for 10 years and raising 4 kids together will have a much higher degree of needing one another then a couple who just met off tinder 2 months ago who have only been casual dating.
So depending on the dynamic of the relationship the definition of the word needed is going to vary.
The desire to feel needed is a very important actual need that people have IMO. I think we all seek to be wanted by another person romantically yes, but the deeper fulfillment and empowerment is when you feel needed.
Maybe I am overthinking all of this.... But a good personal example I'll give is I ended up leaving a pretty good paying job last year because I really didn't feel needed, wanted sure, but not needed. The paycheck was nice, but the purpose was lacking. It's a good feeling to feel needed, it's empowering.
What's your take on this wanted verses being needed in your dating/romantic relationships? Yes being too needy with someone will make you co-dependent but at the end of the day we are all more vulnerable then we would like to admit. How is the grey line between wanted verses needed separated? Are they one in the same?
I totally understand what you mean. I'm a woman and want to be both wanted and needed as well. (and wouldn't mind if my man wanted to be both wanted and needed) The idea of this might make some people upset around here. lol
I'd rather be wanted than needed. I don't want to be dependent on anyone in anyway and I don't anyone to feel dependent on me.
Maybe this is a defensive attitude to avoid feeling vulnerable? Unless you can grow all your own food and be 100% self sufficient in the middle of the woods in Alaska isn't it impossible not to be dependent on someone for something?
Perhaps most people would prefer not to "need" anything from anyone but once again, I think this is a defensive attitude or a lack of self esteem not feeling worthy enough to have one's needs met.
But like that one insightful responder just said....reliance has to come with a building of trust. I know it's hard to trust though.
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