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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years now, and we are both 24. We love each other a lot and are one another's best friend.
We have to keep our relationship a secret because of cultural reasons (mine) and I don't want it to be this way forever. I want to be able to spend time with him freely, I want to be able to live together, I want to be able to go on trips together, post pictures together, whatever...things I see all of my friends doing with their significant others. I'm finishing graduate school soon and would be getting a job, and I could help support him through medical school if we were to get married.
So I would like for the next step (i.e. marriage) to happen within the next 2-3 years, but whenever I bring this up he either says "no, that's too early for me" or "I don't know" and when pressed further he says stuff like "we have a lot of things to work on first" (when I ask what that is, I get vague answers). It starts HUGE fights every time, and the topic has been coming up a lot lately as I see my cousins and classmates all get engaged and married.
I can't bring myself to just leave...I feel like I'd be giving up on what is otherwise a great relationship, but at the same time this is a really important issue for me. I don't like the idea of dating for 5+ years without getting married. I feel like that's just a waste of time. What should I do?
EDIT:
Seems like people aren't understanding the whole 'secret relationship' thing. I live away from my family, so we are able to go out on dates and spend time together, and my friends and cousins all know him. But, I'm not able to introduce him to my parents unless I want to start huge fights and cause stress for them, which I don't feel is worth going through unless I know the relationship is going towards marriage. If I know that, then I'll put up fights, ruin my relationship with my family if it comes to that, and do whatever I need to do. At the very least I would like to be completely financially independent before I tell my parents, so that they cannot threaten me with cutting off any monetary support.
Also, if we were to get engaged, then at that point it would not have to be a secret. If we were married and had children, it would not have to be a secret. As for it being a secret right now, he is totally okay with that and fully understands it. That has nothing to do with the situation.
Last edited by redandyellowmakeorange; 05-02-2016 at 06:42 PM..
Ultimatums seldom achieve the desired results. ( like threatening to leave). He's already made it quite clear that he doesn't want to get married any time soon. So as far as I can see... You have two options. Wait ( still might never happen) or cut bait and look for someone like yourself who's more married minded.
If you persist ( you're already having big arguments) all you're going to do is push him away.
Sorry to say, but you are clearly between a rock and a hard spot.
He is just 24 y.o. and I can understand that he feels not ready to be married. At that age not everyone is mature enough, and thankfully some people actually realize that before getting married. I don't understand you pressure. Being 2 years together is not like you are waiting "forever". Also, if you are planning to get married in 2-3 years - it might happen, that's still a long time for him to make decision. Give him the time. Don't nag or pressure. Everyone needs to be "ready" at their own pace.
So how exactly are you going to get engaged and married when you can't even acknowledge a relationship right now because of your culture?
If I were him I would not commit to being a secret for 5 minutes however, best friends who have a wonderful relationship do not fight over not being engaged or making wedding plans.
I do not understand how you feel you have wasted your time when you make it appear no one even knows you have a boyfriend.
Why would he want a wife (or husband, if you are male) that he has to keep secret from everyone? That could get tricky and awkward, especially once you start having kids.
It seems to me that going from having to keep a relationship secret to marriage is a huge step. If you can't even do the things that couples normally do together out in public, how can you possibly know if marriage is the right step? I would want to know the basics like would my SO's family and friends like me, would we get along doing the things normal couples do together in public, would we even really like each other that much if it weren't for the thrill of having a secret relationship, etc.
Why can't your relationship be public at this point? You're a graduate student and presumably a grown adult, so it's hard for me to understand why it is that this relationship is forbidden. My guess is that he wants you to make this change and come out/be public with the relationship before he's going to make any promises to you about wanting to get married.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years now, and we are both 24. We love each other a lot and are one another's best friend.
We have to keep our relationship a secret because of cultural reasons (mine) and I don't want it to be this way forever. I want to be able to spend time with him freely, I want to be able to live together, I want to be able to go on trips together, post pictures together, whatever...things I see all of my friends doing with their significant others. I'm finishing graduate school soon and would be getting a job, and I could help support him through medical school if we were to get married.
So I would like for the next step (i.e. marriage) to happen within the next 2-3 years, but whenever I bring this up he either says "no, that's too early for me" or "I don't know" and when pressed further he says stuff like "we have a lot of things to work on first" (when I ask what that is, I get vague answers). It starts HUGE fights every time, and the topic has been coming up a lot lately as I see my cousins and classmates all get engaged and married.
I can't bring myself to just leave...I feel like I'd be giving up on what is otherwise a great relationship, but at the same time this is a really important issue for me. I don't like the idea of dating for 5+ years without getting married. I feel like that's just a waste of time. What should I do?
A so-called "great relationship" that apparently is not important enough to acknowledge publicly.
This ^^ trumps any other problem y'all have. Until you bring yourselves out into the open and are honest with family and friends, you may as well not even worry about anything else, ESPECIALLY marriage.
You're in grad school, which is old enough to know better than this.
He doesn't want to get married. I'm sorry, that much is clear. The reasons don't matter.
Is your intent to nag him until he gives up?
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