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Anyone ever get this a lot? I usually dislike flirting, I feel like sleaze and rather unsexy when trying to do so. When I talk to women, I just speak normally and make the effort to be nice, considerate and polite. Not the most popular method for talking to women, but I find it serves me well.
I'm asking because I recently asked a few platonic friends about this, and just about all of them felt I was either trying to date them or get in their pants at some point, and even turned off some to keeping up with me. When I meet a woman and wish to become friends, I usually just invite them out for casual dates for lunch or coffee, so I don't know how I'm coming off as a horndog trying to go home with them. I usually tell people straight up about my feelings when I feel sexually attracted, or avoid the subject all together if I'm not.
I don't ask women I want to be friends with to a date. That's weird. I would invite them to a house party, a BBQ gathering, a group gathering in public; usually with a lot of other people but never to a one on one lunch, coffee, etc.
Going out for coffee is something friends do, I don't see that as a "date", necessarily, just hanging out. Though the poster who suggested inviting your new friend to a group hang-out had a good idea; invite her to coffee/whatever with a couple of friends.
OP, maybe you're subconsciously coming off in a flirtatious manner. There must be more going on than what you describe for women to feel you were a little sleazy.
Usually when a man asked me out, even casually, I assumed it was a date or at least that I should confirm that it wasn't a date, because the opposite had happened to me more than once - assuming we were just friends, the guy thinking I should have known it was more than that and then thinking I had led him on, and being somewhat upset with me over it. Awkward and weirdly, I felt guilty though I simply hadn't seen that, not having said it was a date, LOL (or the guy having simply acted friendly in a "buddy/pal" way), he hoped for more than a friendly coffee or to catch up on old times.
I always wanted to clear the air on that. Not in any big dramatic way but I wanted to get it said that I didn't consider it a date.
And FTR, once or twice I got the "Don't be ridiculous! I didn't think of it as a date!" - one of those couple of times it was "Don't flatter yourself" when before, all our interactions had been very friendly...methinks thou dost protest too much, etc. So uncomfortable but we women DON'T always know what you want, so we ask...I don't see that as a crime.
This is a murky area for us women because with some (not all, certainly) men, we're darned if we do and darned if we don't.
And yes, just talking to the person - if you're both single and you deliver a certain vibe (this isn't always fair as some people just naturally are friendly) - can be construed not necessarily as flirting, but as a warmup to "so...do you want to go out and do X...?" which is how one typically asks his/her intended on a date, so...
Honestly, though, if I were platonic friends with a guy and he probed me with questions as you say you did, OP, I'd wonder if he wasn't fishing around for something more. That just comes off as...hmmm. I'm not sure. I mean if you're already GOOD friends with them, probably not...there's a lot that figures into this. And there's a lot that's "unsaid" in the mating dance...I might wonder, if I were the friend, whether you were hinting for something more while trying not to embarrass yourself in case I said no.
I don't ask women I want to be friends with to a date. That's weird. I would invite them to a house party, a BBQ gathering, a group gathering in public; usually with a lot of other people but never to a one on one lunch, coffee, etc.
I used to think these guys I talked to know it's platonic, I was in the same class with them. Some of them didn't think so. Only one guy has remained platonic because he is gay. He never admitted it though.
Last edited by NewbieHere; 05-15-2016 at 11:34 AM..
When I talk to women, I just speak normally and make the effort to be nice, considerate and polite. Not the most popular method for talking to women, but I find it serves me well.
And they're picking up on that effort and makes you look like you have something up your sleeve, even though you don't.
Be naturally polite and considerate? Sure. The extra effort is overdoing it.
Going out for coffee is something friends do, I don't see that as a "date", necessarily, just hanging out.
Maybe it's the wording but the OP says when he wishes to become friends with a woman, he asks her to lunch or coffee, so they're not already friends but he's trying to establish one. If that's the case, I can see why it looks like he's trying to date them. I've never become friends with anyone by asking them out one-on-one without becoming familiar first.
Maybe it's the wording but the OP says when he wishes to become friends with a woman, he asks her to lunch or coffee, so they're not already friends but he's trying to establish one. If that's the case, I can see why it looks like he's trying to date them. I've never become friends with anyone by asking them out one-on-one without becoming familiar first.
I see what you mean. It's not clear exactly at what stage the OP is asking them to coffee.
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