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I think she's probably burned out, and is recovering from burnout. She may have mentally stopped the planet and gotten off for a badly-needed break and recovery period. And there's probably more to this story; she may be resentful for having been required to be teacher, homemaker and part-time employed worker all rolled into one for many years. There could be major issues in the marriage just now bubbling to the surface.
I have to admit.... there was a time that I absolutely hated my twins... as painfully it is to admit to myself. I read back in my journal and it wasn't completely rational but I blamed my children for the lost relationship with my wife, the financial lost, robbing me of the fatherhood experience that I so badly wanted...the overwhelming feelings that it will never end.. there was no light at the end of the tunnel. So when the OP describes withdrawing not only from home but from her children, I could kinda relate the feelings. I am fairly certain my wife can as well.
I've felt burnout (we are in a constant state of it)... Things don't get done in the house but you still try. Things might be messy but you recognize/admit that it is messy. You may choose to take nap or throw the kids in front of the TV for a while as much as you don't want to. However, burnout didn't cause me to checkout of my children or families lives. I was very much aware of what I needed to do but simply couldn't. I
When I was depressed, your view is narrowed and focused around the pain... all you think about is how to find relief; we all choose our poison. The OPs wife may have taken to shopping... Buying something new is really fun isn't it? Hanging out with friends. Me, I couldn't stop thinking about the next time I could spend time with my friend/previous GF. I started to drink a lot more than I normally did as well. What ever is the distraction it was so addicting.... because that's the only source of relief.
Of course no diagnosis can really be made here... its just that this thread hit a cord with me...
Oh yes... when I first started to participate here.. divorce was also recommended.
Thanks for the additional info, OP. As you can see, often on the forum, when there's not enough info in the original post, people will try to fill in the blanks as best they can to provide a response. It's really helpful to provide a more complete picture from the onset.
It sounds like both of you are, or have been at various times, stretched too thin. It also sounds like there's not good communication in the marriage. There are attempts, but not open, honest responses.
What are weekends like? Do you two bond on the weekends? What about the kids?
Anyway, I don't think putting the kids in school is such a bad thing, so your wife can take a break. Now the question is, when do you get your break? And how do you make up for all the work hours away from the family, to keep the family & marriage glued together? (Hence, the question about weekends.) All the overwork on both sides has probably strained the marriage. Keep an eye on that.
Thanks for the additional info, OP. As you can see, often on the forum, when there's not enough info in the original post, people will try to fill in the blanks as best they can to provide a response. It's really helpful to provide a more complete picture from the onset.
It sounds like both of you are, or have been at various times, stretched too thin. It also sounds like there's not good communication in the marriage. There are attempts, but not open, honest responses.
What are weekends like? Do you two bond on the weekends? What about the kids?
Anyway, I don't think putting the kids in school is such a bad thing, so your wife can take a break. Now the question is, when do you get your break? And how do you make up for all the work hours away from the family, to keep the family & marriage glued together? (Hence, the question about weekends.) All the overwork on both sides has probably strained the marriage. Keep an eye on that.
Well, as I said even the times that I do have off and try to do things together she already has plans to go out with her girlfriends.
I just wanted to agree. There is a definite double standard here. HE must appreciate all that SHE does but it doesn't go the other way. It's his fault either way and that just isn't fair.
I wish I had some advice. Every couple I've seen go through this ended up divorced and she got plenty of alimony to live off of because she was the poor SAHM who had lost her support for her and her children. Even the courts treat the man as if it's his fault.
I used to work with a guy who never wanted his wife to SAH but agreed and worked his butt of so she could. Then when it was time for her to RTW she decided she just had to home school so he continued working his butt off. Then she decided she wanted didn't want to be a SAHM anymore, moved out and enrolled in college full time. He got a WHOPPING alimony bill. The court treated him as if he's used her by having her SAH when he was actually giving her what she wanted. I felt really bad for him. He basically got punished for working his butt off to try and make her happy. If he'd put his foot down and said no to her SAH he wouldn't have had to pay alimony.
How do you know that women don't appreciate what their husbands do? And how do you know for certain that your coworker's marriage and divorce went down exactly as he told you it did? Maybe it did; but, then again, maybe it didn't. You only heard his side of the story.
When my two older kids were young, I went back to work part-time. My ex husband begged me to quit. I was tired of dealing with his resentment, so I did. Plus, he did (and still does) so much travel with his work that it WAS difficult for me to work part-time during those years, let alone full-time, as I'm expected to work one or two nights per week in my field. We had no family living nearby to help, and childcare, let alone dependable after-hours child care, is expensive.
If my ex was unhappy in any way with my being at home, he certainly didn't express that. He had the freedom to work the long hours he wanted to (he's very driven), go to the gym most nights, and then come home to a clean house, a home-cooked meal, and a steady supply of laundered clothes in his drawers and closet. I'd say it was a pretty darn good deal for him.
But I did earn my master's degree during those at-home years, and I returned to work when my youngest of 3 kids was 2. Like many working moms, I still had the responsibility of most household duties, and it was I who usually rushed home from work to pick up my kids from school and get dinner started, or who took time off work when the kids were on break or sick.
Yet, when we were divorcing, my ex had the gall to claim that he had wanted me to work all along. I'm sure this is the story he tells HIS co-workers, too. My kids know how it really was, though.
Anger and depression are two sides of the same coin. Sounds like she's angry with you and it has turned to depression which she copes with by shopping and being with friends.
Her logic could go something like this: He is NEVER here so I will punish him by ignoring him during the short time he IS here. He is never here because he is making MONEY so I will spend that money (since chasing after money is the reason he is NEVER here) as my way of coping.
There seems to be anger on her part. You two barely even have a relationship anymore. Since she rarely gets to see you, she's found other things to make her happy and to get even with you at the same time.
OP, can't you take some time off and go on a family vacation to some place that SHE wants to go?
Have some fun together, not just fit her in when you get a few hours away from work? Working those crazy hours is not a badge of honor; it's a badge of shame to neglect your family and leave your wife alone so much that she has now built a life without you.
Yes, she got more than she bargained for when you started working 60-80 hours a week. She's just about given up on being married to you. You are NEVER home. She is taking her revenge. BTW, she doesn't need a new car--she needs YOU. She also probably feels rather worthless since you make so much money that whatever she could earn would be a drop in the bucket.
Anger and depression are two sides of the same coin. Sounds like she's angry with you and it has turned to depression which she copes with by shopping and being with friends.
Her logic could go something like this: He is NEVER here so I will punish him by ignoring him during the short time he IS here. He is never here because he is making MONEY so I will spend that money (since chasing after money is the reason he is NEVER here) as my way of coping.
There seems to be anger on her part. You two barely even have a relationship anymore. Since she rarely gets to see you, she's found other things to make her happy and to get even with you at the same time.
OP, can't you take some time off and go on a family vacation to some place that SHE wants to go?
Have some fun together, not just fit her in when you get a few hours away from work? Working those crazy hours is not a badge of honor; it's a badge of shame to neglect your family and leave your wife alone so much that she has now built a life without you.
Yes, she got more than she bargained for when you started working 60-80 hours a week. She's just about given up on being married to you. You are NEVER home. She is taking her revenge. BTW, she doesn't need a new car--she needs YOU. She also probably feels rather worthless since you make so much money that whatever she could earn would be a drop in the bucket.
This is the quagmire a lot of men are in and I just don't see how we can win. Either the man works to provide all that he can for his family or he works a lot less and spends more time with family but is working paycheck to paycheck. How can a guy win here? As I said I had told her beforehand that me getting this job would help out the family as a whole but I would have to be working crazy hours and she was fine with that, but now that she isn't it's me that's the bad guy for not being able to just stop whenever she wants like she could do being a SAHM?
Her taking revenge on me for something we had discussed previously and SHE was all happy about me getting sounds very petty. As for the new car she had been asking for one for a while so I got it for her. As for a family vacation we did take one to Alaska three months ago for two weeks.
If you are communicating clearly that you are unhappy and she just shrugs it off, you have a serious problem.
What do you want? What are you willing to do to get it? Are you willing to insist on marriage counselling?
I want things to go back to the way they were and for her to do more. I can't just decide things are to tough so I'll just quit and hang out and shop so why should she?
Well, as I said even the times that I do have off and try to do things together she already has plans to go out with her girlfriends.
It sounds like you two are going your separate ways. Not at all a good sign. Do you work 6 days a week, so there's only 1 day off, and that's the day she "happens" to choose to hang out with her friends? If so, she's obviously avoiding you, because she could choose the other weekend day to hang out with friends, but she doesn't.
The time may have come for you to tell her you're concerned for the future of the marriage, and to rescue it, counseling is necessary. Tell her you miss her, and you know it's been hard on her, but it's hard on you, too, and you'd like to be able to spend one day/week re-connecting with her. Sit her down for this talk, don't bring it up while she's doing something else.
Check with a lawyer to find out what you stand to lose in the event of a divorce. Some states limit alimony to a few years, long enough for the spouse to go to school and get some job skills. Inform yourself.
As they say in WarGames: "The only way to win is not to play". Sorry dude but dealing with a woman...there is no way to come out on top, they will always have some reason they are never happy and it will someway always be your fault. It is my belief women are never truly happy or ever truly content regardless of the situation or circumstances. You could give her the moon and she'd still find some reason to *****. The especially hilarious thing about these "OMG my husband works his butt off doing back breaking work to provide but he isn't spending enough time with meeeeeeeeee/doing what I want when I want it at the snap of a finger" women is they seem to fail to realize if it weren't not for their men doing so much to provide they would have to do all that they do PLUS working those crazy hours.
But as I said, women are never truly happy or content with life so it's pointless to even try.
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I just wanted to agree. There is a definite double standard here. HE must appreciate all that SHE does but it doesn't go the other way. It's his fault either way and that just isn't fair.
