Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes thats what I told her.
But she thinks that As THE MAN
I should be paying for the engagement ring and wedding
So you want a honeymoon too and a house?
Okay babe but something will have to wait
What do you want first?
I am in a similar situation financially and logistically as you.
However, I am a little older than you.
Considering our similarities, with your situation played out in my life, I would see the thought process of her expectin me to pay for the wedding because I am the man as a dealbreaker, and end the relationship.
Considering I would now know that she views me as a tool or resourse (which is how she views you), instead of a life partner and best friend is the reason I would end it. This is beyond unacceptable.
Cut the relationship off now, you are still quite young, and it may take some time, but if you keep on it, another woman who is more interested in you as opposed to what you bring to the table will eventually come into your life. You just need to he prepared to see it when it happens.
You're smart to stay where you're at, especially if you like the job. Govt. employment is the way to go these days. The gf wants a man with a lot more money. Just tell her, be honest, and then let her go. She'll probably never be satisfied with you. The reality is that she doesn't want you, she wants things a mythical "man of her dreams" can give her.
Me and my girlfriend have been having the argument lately about financial problems because she wants to get married immediately and already have a house
She wants the following ASAP
She wants a WEDDING
She wants a VERY EXPENSIVE ENGAGEMENT RING
She wants a HOUSE
She wants a WHITE DRESS
She wants a GETAWAY VACATION
Etc
I explain to her that there is absolutely no way i can give all that to her immediately
I live in California right now and as IT support professional I take home 3000$ monthly most of my money pays the basic and leave me a bit extra however theres no way my salary can pay all of that at once unless I save up
I live in an apartment by myself
she thinks that I don't want to get married and she says shes tired of waiting
She then starts mentioning that
Oh but other couples get married less then 6 months and get a house
But i am not that couple
Then she tells me she loves me that shes done a lot for me but she wants everything now
Shes not understanding at all about the fact that most of these things require saving up money and isnt something I can get immediately
Then I ask her if she wants she can contribute but it seems she doesnt want to.
Why do I want to married my girlfriend?
Shes done a lot for me shes gives me want i want.
Spends time with me on the weekend
Cherishes all the moments we have together
Cooks for me on the weekend
Etc
So on and so forth
Shes just very impatient when it comes to waiting for things like this and shes not understandable about this.
I am explaining to her that it has nothing to do with me wanting or not wanting but all of that costs a lot of money.
I told her honestly what I felt but feel like she wants to dump me because Im not exactly mr big money pants here.
Any thoughts or advice
Thanks.
Run! She sounds extremely high maintenance and that will only get worse.
Then she tells me she loves me that shes done a lot for me but she wants everything now
Shes not understanding at all about the fact that most of these things require saving up money and isnt something I can get immediately Then I ask her if she wants she can contribute but it seems she doesnt want to.
Why do I want to married my girlfriend?
Shes done a lot for me shes gives me want i want.
Spends time with me on the weekend
Cherishes all the moments we have together
Cooks for me on the weekend
Etc
Part of your problem is that you shouldn't be asking her if she wants to contribute to your relationship, you should be telling her that she has to contribute, or it's not a relationship. Spending time with you and cooking for you two days a week isn't the same thing as being an active, equal partner with shared goals.
Set up an excel spreadsheet for her and populate the fields with the appropriate figures. Show her how to use it.
A spreadsheet is great advice.... Maybe that will bring her a bit down to reality.
I dated, married, and bought a house in 6 months in my late 20's and so did some of my friends, so I don't find that unusual (but both spouses had good-paying jobs, maybe in a lower COL area, during a better economic time). Also, when you really want to marry someone, you can do it at the courthouse with a backyard BBQ!
The problem is that OP's GF is just making demands, without being able to financially contribute (or come up with a plan to contribute), and worse she even wants him to give up a stable job he is happy with. She has no skin in the game, but just wants to take. Maybe she is just sheltered and immature and a spreadsheet, firmness from the OP, and a career path/2nd job of her own will help work this out (did she go to college?)...
I have a cousin whose wife is always pushing him to make more money. My cousin was a happy, laid-back somewhat successful artist, but never made enough $ for her. So she pushed him into going to law school so he could work for her dad's practice and make more $. He is now an attorney and they have a big house with fancy cars, etc... She seems happy. He is now grumpy and mean, aging terribly, and always drinking scotch - I'm pretty sure he's an alcoholic now. It's really sad. I miss his old self.
Me and my girlfriend have been having the argument lately about financial problems because she wants to get married immediately and already have a house
She wants the following ASAP
She wants a WEDDING
She wants a VERY EXPENSIVE ENGAGEMENT RING
She wants a HOUSE
She wants a WHITE DRESS
She wants a GETAWAY VACATION
Etc
I explain to her that there is absolutely no way i can give all that to her immediately
I live in California right now and as IT support professional I take home 3000$ monthly most of my money pays the basic and leave me a bit extra however theres no way my salary can pay all of that at once unless I save up
I live in an apartment by myself
she thinks that I don't want to get married and she says shes tired of waiting
She then starts mentioning that
Oh but other couples get married less then 6 months and get a house
But i am not that couple
Then she tells me she loves me that shes done a lot for me but she wants everything now
Shes not understanding at all about the fact that most of these things require saving up money and isnt something I can get immediately
Then I ask her if she wants she can contribute but it seems she doesnt want to.
Why do I want to married my girlfriend?
Shes done a lot for me shes gives me want i want.
Spends time with me on the weekend
Cherishes all the moments we have together
Cooks for me on the weekend
Etc
So on and so forth
Shes just very impatient when it comes to waiting for things like this and shes not understandable about this.
I am explaining to her that it has nothing to do with me wanting or not wanting but all of that costs a lot of money.
I told her honestly what I felt but feel like she wants to dump me because Im not exactly mr big money pants here.
Any thoughts or advice
Thanks.
You need a new girlfriend. This one wants to marry Santa Claus. Surprise her: not with a house and wedding, but with a permanent breakup.
If she's working and lives at home with no rent to pay, she doesn't need you to give her stuff. She can buy her own clothes. Why does she ask you for clothes? And she can save for her own vacation. It sounds like her parent spoiled her, and now she expects that from any bf. This person is not marriage material, OP, no matter how hot she is. Don't be a sucker. Tell her you're not changing jobs, and she needs to go find a guy who makes more money. Find someone who loves you for you, and doesn't demand a lot.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-06-2016 at 11:07 AM..
Part of your problem is that you shouldn't be asking her if she wants to contribute to your relationship, you should be telling her that she has to contribute, or it's not a relationship. Spending time with you and cooking for you two days a week isn't the same thing as being an active, equal partner with shared goals.
Exactly.... She should be contributing a monthly $ amount to the wedding/honeymoon/house fund. If she is unwilling to do this - major red flag.
My SO and I did create a wedding/household financial spreadsheet - I think we did it the day after he proposed - lol. We budgeted every cost and set goals. I took on a 2nd job and basically gave all my income to him to allocate. He is just a whiz with finances (I am not) and I trusted he'd handle it wisely. He has always made more money than me, but I do ok. We have always co-mingled all our finances and it has worked out great.
Also, when SO thought we should take all our life savings to buy a business, forcing us to live paycheck to paycheck for a few years, I was fine with that too. We have always had completely shared goals, financially and otherwise. And I'd be ok living in a cardboard box with the guy if I had too.
End it. I was dating a girl for two years from 1993 to 1995. I lined on Long Island and she lived in NW New Jersey, 2 hours away. Because of the distance, I went to her house every other weekend and would stay from Fri night til Sunday. Long story short, I had back surgery in Feb 1995. While I was recovering for a few months in bed and rehab, she called me from work one day and said "I want to be married and have a baby by the end of the year. She just turned 20. I told her that was ridiculous since I did not know when I would fully recover and if I could even work full time any time soon because of the surgery. I also told her that I was not moving out of NY and she said she didn't want to move from NJ. It told her I was not eve discussing this until I recovered. She called back shortly after and started complaining that dating for 2 years was far two long. I told her that I only saw her for about 200 full days in those two years so we were only dating for 8 months in realtime. She was continually badgering me until I asked her how good she would feel if I only married her b cause of her threat and then told told her she was starting to sound like a desperate old maid. Click. That was it, other than the handful of times she called me in the following years crying about how miserable she was that she wound up marrying her high school sweetheart and had a baby since he would leave for months at a time.
If they pressure you to get married NOW, end it. It is the same tactic as a car salesman telling you you. It's buy this car TODAY or else the deal will be over tomorrow. Marriage only works if two people enter it without being pressured and doing so under duress.
And she makes even less than you? I'm sorry, but what does she do? Clearly not anything professional? That doesn't say much for someone in her late 20s; she clearly has no ambition. She doesn't want to be married - she wants a wedding and the materialistic things that she thinks should come along with being married. Immediately after getting married she'll want to get pregnant, and then once she has the baby she'll want to quit her job and stay home. That's fine for some people, but it's not going to work for a family in L.A. getting by on $3,000 a month.
She doesn't want you. She wants a fantasy you can't give her.
Do not marry her, or you will always be responsible for making her happy, and you will be very unhappy.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
