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i'm 27, female; i'm at the stage of my life where i want to find a partner with whom to settle down and have kids. i can meet quite a few interested men, but once i become involved with them, i get VERY attached (like after a few weeks) and start thinking about marriage / the future and kids. the funny thing is that, often, at the beginning of the relationships, i don't even feel attraction or feel very lukewarm. a sense of duty, or my desire to settle down, drives me to get to know these men more. accordingly, i pick guys who are "safe" options -- that is, good long-term prospects; i have enough dating experience to, somewhat accurately, spot an ******* or player.
the last one i dated only lasted 4 weeks. at the beginning, i could barely bring myself to kiss him due to no physical attraction, but he had a lot of the qualities i wanted in a long-term partner, so i stuck it out. he was really into me at the beginning and the relationship felt non-casual and exclusive after the second date. he was reliable, smart, nice, emotionally + financially stable. he was 14 years older, with no real relationships to report for the past decade and not a single engagement, so i did suspect he had commitment issues (haha). ultimately, i got VERY attached and wanted the relationship to work out despite all odds. he dumped me a few hours after a nice dinner, referring to me as his "girlfriend" and making plans for the next day lol. needless to say, i was blindsided. i think the dump came partly because i was acting too clingy, such as by making too many inquiries about the future. i think his commitment issues also contributed.
my question is, how do i not get attached so quickly? how do i ease my anxiety regarding not being able to find a partner in time to have children and a family? i know my anxiety about settling down in time is the very anxiety that probably scares people off and makes me look less um... desirable. should i date more than one person at a time??? i seriously think this might be the best option logically. however, the thing is, sometimes relationships just feel exclusive, so it's hard to date others in good faith, even when you haven't had the "boyfriend / girlfriend" talk or formalized your relationship in a symbolic way.
i'm 27, female; i'm at the stage of my life where i want to find a partner with whom to settle down and have kids. i can meet quite a few interested men, but once i become involved with them, i get VERY attached (like after a few weeks) and start thinking about marriage / the future and kids. the funny thing is that, often, at the beginning of the relationships, i don't even feel attraction or feel very lukewarm. a sense of duty, or my desire to settle down, drives me to get to know these men more. accordingly, i pick guys who are "safe" options -- that is, good long-term prospects; i have enough dating experience to, somewhat accurately, spot an ******* or player.
the last one i dated only lasted 4 weeks. at the beginning, i could barely bring myself to kiss him due to no physical attraction, but he had a lot of the qualities i wanted in a long-term partner, so i stuck it out. he was really into me at the beginning and the relationship felt non-casual and exclusive after the second date. he was reliable, smart, nice, emotionally + financially stable. he was 14 years older, with no real relationships to report for the past decade and not a single engagement, so i did suspect he had commitment issues (haha). ultimately, i got VERY attached and wanted the relationship to work out despite all odds. he dumped me a few hours after a nice dinner, referring to me as his "girlfriend" and making plans for the next day lol. needless to say, i was blindsided. i think the dump came partly because i was acting too clingy, such as by making too many inquiries about the future. i think his commitment issues also contributed.
my question is, how do i not get attached so quickly? how do i ease my anxiety regarding not being able to find a partner in time to have children and a family? i know my anxiety about settling down in time is the very anxiety that probably scares people off and makes me look less um... desirable. should i date more than one person at a time??? i seriously think this might be the best option logically. however, the thing is, sometimes relationships just feel exclusive, so it's hard to date others in good faith, even when you haven't had the "boyfriend / girlfriend" talk or formalized your relationship in a symbolic way.
i'm 27, female; i'm at the stage of my life where i want to find a partner with whom to settle down and have kids. i can meet quite a few interested men, but once i become involved with them, i get VERY attached (like after a few weeks) and start thinking about marriage / the future and kids. the funny thing is that, often, at the beginning of the relationships, i don't even feel attraction or feel very lukewarm. a sense of duty, or my desire to settle down, drives me to get to know these men more. accordingly, i pick guys who are "safe" options -- that is, good long-term prospects; i have enough dating experience to, somewhat accurately, spot an ******* or player.
the last one i dated only lasted 4 weeks. at the beginning, i could barely bring myself to kiss him due to no physical attraction, but he had a lot of the qualities i wanted in a long-term partner, so i stuck it out. he was really into me at the beginning and the relationship felt non-casual and exclusive after the second date. he was reliable, smart, nice, emotionally + financially stable. he was 14 years older, with no real relationships to report for the past decade and not a single engagement, so i did suspect he had commitment issues (haha). ultimately, i got VERY attached and wanted the relationship to work out despite all odds. he dumped me a few hours after a nice dinner, referring to me as his "girlfriend" and making plans for the next day lol. needless to say, i was blindsided. i think the dump came partly because i was acting too clingy, such as by making too many inquiries about the future. i think his commitment issues also contributed.
my question is, how do i not get attached so quickly? how do i ease my anxiety regarding not being able to find a partner in time to have children and a family? i know my anxiety about settling down in time is the very anxiety that probably scares people off and makes me look less um... desirable. should i date more than one person at a time??? i seriously think this might be the best option logically. however, the thing is, sometimes relationships just feel exclusive, so it's hard to date others in good faith, even when you haven't had the "boyfriend / girlfriend" talk or formalized your relationship in a symbolic way.
The issue seems to be that you aren't really picking guys who are long-term prospects in the first place.
There's nothing wrong with filtering guys based on a criteria of "good long-term prospect". You just need to start picking some you're actually attracted to instead of rationalizing everything. Once you're dating them, slow down and enjoy it.
I remember when I was dating late-20's/early-30's women. Most of the time, everything was in hyperspeed. I was looking for the love of my life and the accelerator pressed to the firewall with a brick to get into a long term relationship as quickly as possible chased me off.
I think the Military question was relating to how quickly men in the military tend to get married. Not my area of expertise but I think it has something to do with pay and housing incentives. I imagine the divorce rate is also quite high. I'm guessing the age is younger, though.
The issue seems to be that you aren't really picking guys who are long-term prospects in the first place.
I agree that the age and dating history were "red flags," but he assured me he was looking for a long-term partner and he acted like he wanted something serious too. I don't think he was lying about what he wanted; I think he had attachment issues that can only be helped with therapy. I'm just glad it only lasted 4 weeks.
I agree that the age and dating history were "red flags," but he assured me he was looking for a long-term partner and he acted like he wanted something serious too. I don't think he was lying about what he wanted; I think he had attachment issues that can only be helped with therapy. I'm just glad it only lasted 4 weeks.
Are you having sex with these guys? I ask only because that's the point at which many women get clingy.
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