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They dated and lived together for 5 years before he finally proposed to her. They've been married for 2 years. They keep everything separate, i.e. cell phone, insurance, bank accounts, etc. Heck, they even have separate bedrooms. She tells me he insists on it.
The girl is my life long friend. But I can't get her to tell me what's going on with their relationship as this is the complete opposite of what she'd always wanted.
Do you think her husband, even though he married her, has trouble with commitment?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We are about to enter domestic partnership next week. We've been living together and sharing the same house, insurance plan, etc. for the last year. So, I'm having a hard time understanding how a married couple would want to keep everything separate.
By the way if you're wondering, I don't have anything against marriage. At this point in our lives, we are very busy and so are saving marriage for when we can actually have a wedding ceremony.
They dated and lived together for 5 years before he finally proposed to her. They've been married for 2 years. They keep everything separate, i.e. cell phone, insurance, bank accounts, etc. Heck, they even have separate bedrooms. She tells me he insists on it.
The girl is my life long friend. But I can't get her to tell me what's going on with their relationship as this is the complete opposite of what she'd always wanted.
Do you think her husband, even though he married her, has trouble with commitment?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We are about to enter domestic partnership next week. We've been living together and sharing the same house, insurance plan, etc. for the last year. So, I'm having a hard time understanding how a married couple would want to keep everything separate.
By the way if you're wondering, I don't have anything against marriage. At this point in our lives, we are very busy and so are saving marriage for when we can actually have a wedding ceremony.
Having separate bills and bank accounts seems reasonable to me. I had such an arrangement when I was married. That said, having separate bedrooms is really odd. With the limited knowledge presented to me I have to think this is either a marriage of convenience or there's trouble in paradise.
One set of grandparents always had separate bedrooms while I was alive. He was a heart patient and had trouble sleeping, so slept by himself to avoid distrubing her. There may be a reason for it.
my bff has a separate bedroom. He complains nonstop about her sleep habits and she has trouble with his need to be a colossal mess in their bedroom (it stresses her out).
As a compromise he sleeps/makes mess in his own room and attached bathroom.
It is a positive in their marriage.
I wouldn't mind sleeping separate - I have issues often and sleep better alone for the most part. (current partner snores heavily plus cuddles alllll night - I cant move or I'm freezing/too hot.)
There can be legit reasons for separate bedrooms, as others have pointed out. The only cases I've known where all financial aspects were separate, were not normal marriages. The men were unwilling to share expenses, except in one case, paying the mortgage, and were controlling in that respect. In one extreme case, the wife was required to provide everything for their child; her husband somehow didn't consider that his responsibility. Fortunately, she was a nurse and made enough money to buy the girl clothes and take care of all her needs, and the mother's parents began to contribute generously when the girl went to college and grad school. But it was weird; the father oddly walled himself off from his own child, financially.
So I view completely separate accounts and expenses as a negative, a sign that something's wrong with a husband who would demand that. But maybe there's a legit & reasonable reason I'm not aware of.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-15-2016 at 12:57 PM..
I think marriage is a partnership, emotionally, physically, and financially. If someone isn't all in, if there's not complete transparency and sharing, then it's not going to be a successful marriage.
The thing about separate checking accounts, separate bills, separate everything else? It's not a red flag, but it sure as hell is a yellow one. I've never seen a marriage where keeping the money worked long-term. Instead, it's either a sign of mistrust or it's grounds for mistrust. Because it means that you don't trust the other person with money, or you don't want the other person to know how you spend yours.
And that means the marriage is on shaky grounds to begin with. Further, it's an articulation of 'this is mine, that is yours,' rather than 'this is ours.' Oh, I'm sure someone will come along in this thread and say, "Why we've had separate checking accounts for thirty years and our marriage is hunky dory." Congratulations. You are the shining exception.
They dated and lived together for 5 years before he finally proposed to her. They've been married for 2 years. They keep everything separate, i.e. cell phone, insurance, bank accounts, etc. Heck, they even have separate bedrooms. She tells me he insists on it.
The girl is my life long friend. But I can't get her to tell me what's going on with their relationship as this is the complete opposite of what she'd always wanted.
Do you think her husband, even though he married her, has trouble with commitment?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We are about to enter domestic partnership next week. We've been living together and sharing the same house, insurance plan, etc. for the last year. So, I'm having a hard time understanding how a married couple would want to keep everything separate.
By the way if you're wondering, I don't have anything against marriage. At this point in our lives, we are very busy and so are saving marriage for when we can actually have a wedding ceremony.
Different strokes for different folks, as weird as her relationship sounds, yours sound just as weird to me. But if it works for you and works for her, what does it really matter, what someone outside of the relationship thinks.
Eh, we lived together for 2 years before we got married. I'm not saying that everyone should do what we did but we opened a joint savings/checking account as soon as I moved in. We got married 2 years later on a beach, just me and her. No wedding. No engagement ring. Had kids 15 years later. I guess we are a bit unconventional, now that I read this. Still together, 29 years next year.
Like others have said they may have their reasons.
You need your space. Whether it be sleeping areas or bank accounts.
I believe in one joint account and two separate accounts. However, everybody does it differently. If I don't get my percent to put in my account I would get nothing. My account is not accessible to my spouse and rightly so. However I deposit in the joint account every payday.
I'm getting to separate bedrooms part soon as she snores and crosses the center line. No touchy, I want my sleep. If your feet are cold put on socks.
Maybe he has an offshore account he doesn't want risked.
Maybe he's in the mob and trying to hide it and protect her.
We could all list a ton of maybes.
And as a CPA, just remember currently the tax law does not favor the married, for whatever that's worth. I think in this day and age, you can have a healthy relationship without marriage. I have several clients living as such, one couple being together for 35 years happily sharing everything, just not married.
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