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I dated a guy for two years long-distance. He lives in New York and I live in Maryland. From the very beginning I told him that I would not consider moving to New York (i have a kid here and would not want to move her away from her dad) and that ideally I would be married and have another kid in 3 years or so. He said he was down to move to Maryland and onboard with everything else (he has a transferrable job, no kids, etc).
Our two years together were AMAZING. We were compatible, we treated each other great, and we got along very well. We saw each other monthly. Naturally, once we hit the 2 year mark, I began wondering where we were going. He hadn't done or said anything to indicate that he was planning to transition to Maryland any time soon. I brought it up and he told me he could not give me any timelines nor could he make any plans and that it would probably be best we be friends because he doesn't want to get in the way of any plans I had for my life. He said this two years came quick and he just wasn't ready yet.
I feel broken because we discussed this. I told him from the beginning that knowing i wouldn't move to NY its understandable if he wouldn't want to uproot his life either but he AGREED! I feel like he didn't even want to try and at this point led me on and wasted my time.
Anyway it has been 5 days since we spoke. I miss him but feel its best not to reach out right now. I cant help but wonder what he's thinking about.
I have found it helpful when breaking up with someone to keep in mind the hormones behind the feelings. When you break up with someone, you are going through dopamine withdrawal. Its the withdrawal that will have you thinking about calling him and eating junk food. But there are better ways of handling this. With junk food you have the sugar rush and then the sugar crash Mostly its self care. Exercise is one of the best ways to rebalance your hormones, also eating healthier foods, fruits and veggies, and foods that have omega 3s in them like nuts and fish.
Also a fair amount of distraction is helpful. You are going to have some time on your hands. Read some books on positive psychology. It will keep your mood up and you will learn something useful.
I was going to suggest a gallon of ice cream, but Shelato shot that down. ;-p
I WOULD suggest calling your best friend though, maybe invite her over, and share a bottle of wine. Sometimes it really does help to talk/cry it out. (Give your friend a heads up though, as to why your inviting her over.)
You had two wonderful years, likely you both learned more about each other and learned more about yourself. You likely had some wonderful shared experiences that you can crystallize into an enduring memory that will always bring a wistful smile to your face every time you recall it.
If you are grieving(in this case) you are grieving the loss of the potential future of the relationship that would have been right for only one of you. What likely happened is he learned more about himself and more about you and relationships in general. And part of what he learned is this was no longer the correct fit for him.
The point is people grow sometimes in the same direction but often their life trajectories direct them apart. External factors often weigh in that have nothing to do with he quality of your relationship or matters of heart, but have to do with fundamentally wanting different lifestyle choices.
I would not grieve the end of this relationship so much as I would embrace the memory of the relationship and the friendship of the person I grew to care for. There is no reason for bitterness, it is far better to find out now that things were not correct in terms of you attempting to become one flesh only to be painfully pulled apart after you had enter into a marriage and started a family.
I get you have a bio clock and ambitions related to that. But you would go through the same process with any man, people's views change based on their experiences, the younger you are and more experiences you gain the greater the likelyhood that you will perceive things differently in the future.
I was going to suggest a gallon of ice cream, but Shelato shot that down. ;-p
I WOULD suggest calling your best friend though, maybe invite her over, and share a bottle of wine. Sometimes it really does help to talk/cry it out. (Give your friend a heads up though, as to why your inviting her over.)
I second this, it's the best medicine!
Maybe take his word for it and he's just not ready, he probably thought he would be eventually but he isn't. Nobody can see the future, that's why breakups and divorces happen. In the moment you think one thing, but then once time passes your mind can change. I don't think he intentionally led you on, I just think when push came to shove he just wasn't ready, moving is a big deal and not something to be taken lightly.
I don't think there's a right way to grieve, it's different for everyone. For me, it's best to talk it out and cry it out with close friends and family. You just kinda have to feel all the emotions and ride it out, 2 years is quite some time so these feelings won't go away over night.
I wouldn't contact him at this point, your best bet is to go the no contact route. It's always worked for me!
I live on Long Island and Dated a girl I met in NE Jersey. I drove 100 miles every other weekend to see her. We were great for two years. She said she would never move to Ny and said I wouldn’t move to NJ. But we continued to stay together because we were good together. Fast forward two years. She just turned 30. She gave me the ultimatum that two years is ridiculously too long to not be engaged and that she wanted to be married and have a baby by the end of the year. I argued that I only saw here four days per month, so we were only together 96 days), and that is far too soon to be engaged. I was expected to pick up and move to Jersey, which there was no way I would do. I basically told her to stop calling me about this (she had called three times Tat morning from work with her demands) and said she was starting to sound like a desperate old maid. Click. She hung up. That was it. No grieving. I was fine. I mailed back nearly every gift she gave me, especially the recent ones. I missed her and the good times we shared but never felt that the breakup, or any other breakup, required grieving.
So, no grieving necessary. He probably felt he would move one day but when it became a near reality, realized that uprooting his life was too much of a sacrifice. I agree. Be grateful that he was honest with you.
I live on Long Island and Dated a girl I met in NE Jersey. I drove 100 miles every other weekend to see her. We were great for two years. She said she would never move to Ny and said I wouldn’t move to NJ. But we continued to stay together because we were good together. Fast forward two years. She just turned 30. She gave me the ultimatum that two years is ridiculously too long to not be engaged and that she wanted to be married and have a baby by the end of the year. I argued that I only saw here four days per month, so we were only together 96 days), and that is far too soon to be engaged. I was expected to pick up and move to Jersey, which there was no way I would do. I basically told her to stop calling me about this (she had called three times Tat morning from work with her demands) and said she was starting to sound like a desperate old maid. Click. She hung up. That was it. No grieving. I was fine. I mailed back nearly every gift she gave me, especially the recent ones. I missed her and the good times we shared but never felt that the breakup, or any other breakup, required grieving.
So, no grieving necessary. He probably felt he would move one day but when it became a near reality, realized that uprooting his life was too much of a sacrifice. I agree. Be grateful that he was honest with you.
I don't know much about your relationship, but from what you wrote doesn't sound like it was much of one. Sounds like you two were just casually seeing each other for two years and then she sprung wanting to get engaged on you. Doesn't sound like you were in love with her or anything, so it was probably much easier for you to walk away without really grieving much.
I think grieving is just natural when a relationship with someone you love ends. For some who were not as invested in a relationship the ending of it may be easier, but for those who are invested there is a grieving period whether it's for the person, or what could have been. Suppressing the grief is not healthy.
so you have seen each other 24 times? Hm. I would say if someone doesn't make real plans after a year, you pretty much know what is going on.
I am sorry about your breakup. You wasted a lot of time and I am sure deep down you knew it will not work out if you both did not discuss the move, you knew what is up. Or did he lie to you and continue to tell you it is going to happen some time soon?
I usually cry really hard, then I get drunk really badly and then I get angry enough to work out like hell and turn my body even more into a machine. I may go on a trip and post pictures with a happy face but refrain from desperate quotes on how lonely I am or how (fake) happy I am - it doesn't make you look good.
OP, look at the fact that at least you received a reason from him--he's not ready. In my case, the person ghosted me, so I don't really know exactly why he ended it (it was also a LDR). Perhaps it might be a good idea to do a "post mortem". This always helps me to process the grief and sometimes it helps me to see the issues that I had brought into the relationship and that spurred the person to end it. It's okay to feel grief but it's more important to face the honest truth about why the relationship failed. You cannot move on if you aren't willing to face it. Maybe this isn't the time to face things if you're drowning in grief but I've found that if I wait, I don't want to do the post mortem later on.
On a piece of paper, make a list of the issues in the relationship (things that were issues for him too, not just yours). Then write down your own fault in each issue. For instance, you might write down that you were not willing to consider moving to New York. Yes, you had a good reason not to, but maybe in the long run, he felt that you were too rigid and unable to give and take, compromise, etc. To me it's kind of a red flag when one party in the relationship expects the other person to give but they're not willing. This is just an example of what to look at. Maybe he found someone in Maryland. He was only seeing you once a month, likely he is juggling a few women?
I dated a guy for two years long-distance. He lives in New York and I live in Maryland. From the very beginning I told him that I would not consider moving to New York (i have a kid here and would not want to move her away from her dad) and that ideally I would be married and have another kid in 3 years or so. He said he was down to move to Maryland and onboard with everything else (he has a transferrable job, no kids, etc).
Our two years together were AMAZING. We were compatible, we treated each other great, and we got along very well. We saw each other monthly. Naturally, once we hit the 2 year mark, I began wondering where we were going. He hadn't done or said anything to indicate that he was planning to transition to Maryland any time soon. I brought it up and he told me he could not give me any timelines nor could he make any plans and that it would probably be best we be friends because he doesn't want to get in the way of any plans I had for my life. He said this two years came quick and he just wasn't ready yet.
I feel broken because we discussed this. I told him from the beginning that knowing i wouldn't move to NY its understandable if he wouldn't want to uproot his life either but he AGREED! I feel like he didn't even want to try and at this point led me on and wasted my time.
Anyway it has been 5 days since we spoke. I miss him but feel its best not to reach out right now. I cant help but wonder what he's thinking about.
How do you grieve a good relationship?
I was in your shoes many years ago. Right now, you may feel that you lost a good one, so it's natural to feel sad about it. Don't grieve too long though. Give yourself a deadline, say 2 weeks top to cry, eat ice cream or sleep in or do whatever you do when you're feeling sad, then snap out of it! You and your child deserve a happy life, even without him in it.
It's not worth it to waste your life over someone that didn't love you or care about you that much. A man who promised to move where you are because you couldn't, and broke his promise after 2 years is not a keeper. I know you would move for him if the situation reversed. A few years from now looking back, you'll feel being sad over it isn't worth it at all.
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