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Hello Everyone :-) I have a problem and don't know how to handle it. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. This is my second marriage her first. My wife is also 11 years younger than me. I am 64. About 6 years ago my wife was diagnosed with RA & Fibromyalgia. Make a long story short in the past 6 years she has had both hips replaced, both knee's replaced, her stomach tied, surgeries on both hands for carpal tunnel & right shoulder surgery twice. Daily she takes a variety of medications some of which I do not agree with, but it's not my body. Since this all started she's turned in to a major league nasty person. Specially to me. I fully understand at times she doesn't feel good and I can deal with that. But, being a full time punching bag is starting to wear on me. Discussing or attempting to is out of the question. She will instantly turn in to a barking dog and prepare to fight back. Not the loving communicative scenario I thought marriage should be. I've considered divorce, but I have two awesome adult children who have 7 beautiful children between them. I'm not up for causing chaos in the family specially for my grandchildren. I retired 7 years ago. I immediately purchased a house in Florida and set up a great life for us with the winters in Florida and the summers in New England. Since I retired she feels it's something I need to do alone. She wants no part of it. Traveling together is out of the question and her living in Florida during the winter is not something that will ever happen. So, I end up spending most of the winters in Florida by myself. She would be happy if I told her I sold the house in Florida. In fact she'd jump for joy. Her idea of my life is to go back to work and wait for her to officially retire at 66. Then we can do things together. I'll be 77 then. IMO it's a little late to start the journey of enjoying yourself. Oh, one other thing. Since she came down with the health problems our sex life deteriorated to zero. We have not been intimate in 6 years. I've tried to explain that I am not dead. But, I get the typical eff you for an answer.
My question is this: What am I supposed to do? Stop life because my spouse is not feeling well? I've thought about going elsewhere for the touch of another, but I feel guilty. I have no problem with being compassionate with her problems but, she could care less about any of my feelings. Well, sorry to bore you with all my problems, but I'm lost for things to do. Your help and advice would be appreciated.
Two suggestions. First, even though you may be local to this location-based forum, this post really isn't specific to any locale. Therefore I'd recommend moving it to the city-data 'relationships' forum. You'll get a lot more relevant opinions there. (I think only Moderators can 'move' a post - you may need to re-post there and delete this one.) http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/
Second, yikes - tough situation. I have no background in this, but I'd suggest divorce as the very last option, and I commend you for trying to avoid it as well. I get the impression that selling the house, or waiting for her to retire, or both, will do very little to improve anything. I also don't think it's fair to you to just live this way for the rest of your life. I definitely think you guys need professional help. I'm guessing she won't agree to seeing a counselor, but I think she's definitely struggling with life blows, and maybe feeling resentment for your health and retirement-lifestyle.
You need professional guidance on dealing with her, she needs professional guidance on living her life better with her health issues, and you guys need professional guidance on your relationship - how to make things work. Ultimately things are not working well now - does she agree? Is she willing to take steps to make it work? Only she can answer that, but I don't see this turning around without a third-party intervention somehow.
I'd also definitely keep the adult children in the loop, and maybe see if they can help out in all this. Will she listen to them?
Disclaimer: I am not a professional in any family practices or legal field, and this is my own personal opinion. I have been married, amicably divorced, then remarried, so I do have some real life experience with some of the things you are facing.
#1, On your own, and keeping it to yourself, meet with an experienced attorney for a 1 hour consult. You need to understand the legal and financial ramifications of any actions you might undertake. Plus, he/she will be able to refer you to help w/ #2.
#2, ask your wife if she'd see a professional marriage counselor with you. If she refuses, wait 1 week, then try again. After the 2nd refusal to seek professional help, wait 1 more week, then let her know your intentions to file for divorce, and ask one last time to seek help together. If she refuses all 3 attempts, wait 1 more week, then file.
The 1 week delays gives the emotions time to subside, and for clearer thinking to prevail. This is not something to rush in to.
You left out some information from your previous thread on this same subject.
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Disclaimer: I am not a professional in any family practices or legal field, and this is my own personal opinion. I have been married, amicably divorced, then remarried, so I do have some real life experience with some of the things you are facing.
#1, On your own, and keeping it to yourself, meet with an experienced attorney for a 1 hour consult. You need to understand the legal and financial ramifications of any actions you might undertake. Plus, he/she will be able to refer you to help w/ #2.
#2, ask your wife if she'd see a professional marriage counselor with you. If she refuses, wait 1 week, then try again. After the 2nd refusal to seek professional help, wait 1 more week, then let her know your intentions to file for divorce, and ask one last time to seek help together. If she refuses all 3 attempts, wait 1 more week, then file.
The 1 week delays gives the emotions time to subside, and for clearer thinking to prevail. This is not something to rush in to.
Granted the OP had posted about this and that thread ended 09/2016. Maybe he should have continued it there but let us cut him a bit of slack. Maybe things have worsened for him. I would not wish his situation on anyone.
What? Someone doesn't want to spend their winters in Florida????
Seriously, buying a house and just expecting her to be on board with spending half the year with you there doesn't sound particularly "communicative" to me.
Perhaps you both would benefit from speaking with a competent 3rd party.
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