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This might be a little bit of a lengthy read, So I apologize. But I tried to break it up in sections so that its easier follow through and read.
Background:
I had an ex whom I recently broke up with. We were together (living together) for 3 years.
We broke up because she and I felt like her ex was still a distraction for her and I thought she needed the space away to be by herself. That way she can figure out what she really wants in life.
We moved out of the apartment and got separate places a little over a month ago. But we still talked every day, sometimes all day and even hung out and saw each other on several occasions.
During this time she kept stressing that she isn't looking for a relationship with anybody including her ex.
And that she wants to "stand still" for now. She felt she did not want make any sudden moves with anybody then end up with regret. That included being "with" her ex as well.
Meanwhile, all along, she kept telling me that she hasn't heard from her ex and was not pursuing him nor reaching out to him.
The True Break Up:
I started piecing together that she was actually seeing her other ex as well as me. I do not know the full extent of what they were doing, but I came to that conclusion one day when she suddenly stopped answering any of my texts or calls.
That was extremely unlike her. Typically she'll usually let me know something at some point so I don't jump to conclusions. But this time, but after not hearing from her all day and night, I came to the conclusion she was on a date with him based on the circumstances that I saw and the history we had.
Once I got the truth out of her a few days later, I immediately went into No Contact mode.
The Change up:
One day while doing some research, I came across this article online and it talks about signs that your ex is thinking about getting back with you.
These are the signs from the article:
1.) Future Talk (talking about a future with you or making plans for dates etc)
2.) Not Dating/Hiding dating (when your ex doesn't want you to know they are dating somebody)
3.) Relationship talk (Talking about things that went on in the relationship and how it could've been fixed)
4.) Becoming a better ex (When your ex talks about improving themselves as partner-better job, getting in shape etc)
5.) Bringing up memories (Talking about things you've done and the fun you've had)
Prior to that "uneventful night" I discovered she was dating her ex, my ex started exhibiting every single one of these traits. In fact we actually had a date of our own less than a week prior to that situation. We both had a BLAST on that date. We talked about seeing each other again.
Furthermore, during text conversations, I started noticing that my ex dropping hints that "she has a feeling we are going to end up back together" and things of that sort. This was apparently another reason she said she didn't want to make any sudden moves with anybody.
So that brings me to my true question:
... Because I found out about my ex seeing this other guy, it seems like she "closed the door" with me. I haven't spoken to her hardly since then. But that was primarily because I went into No Contact mode.
Another reason we haven't reached out to each other is because I believe she feels I don't want to talk to her again.
Long before this situation happened, I once told her that I couldn't be her friend if she is going to have this other guy in the picture in some capacity. (this may explain why she was lying about her "datingship" with him, even though her and I weren't in a relationship)
Now I do not know if they are actually in a relationship now or just dating and going out. But I'm wondering if she was actually using her "Freedom" to decide who it was that she really wanted.
I'm now worried that by me initiating the "no contact" it would actually hurt my chances of getting her back.
In a sense, I guess I'm asking... by going into NO contact, did I make the choice easy for her to be with him by default?
Look, the worst thing in the world is someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings, but won't leave you the hell alone. Likewise, your continuing to chase her is humiliating for you. If you're doing it, have some self-respect and cut it out.
You gave her a rather clear choice: Him or you. If she actually reaches out, then she's made her choice. At the same time, she has some trust to rebuild with you.
And if she doesn't call, then it's the other guy.
But going No Contact basically eliminates the possibility that you'll ever find out, one way or another.
In order for real love to exist, there must be trust.
You cannot be with her 24/7 to "be sure" she wants YOU over some other guy.
So no, going NC has nothing to do with it. She is making her own choices willfully.
You don't want to be with someone who isn't certain they want to be with you. Remain NC for your sanity, and move forward instead of backward.
I understand what you are saying. I guess I was confused because we were having such a great time together (when we hung out after the break up), that I felt our bond was still intact although our closeness had changed little. Plus the hints that she was dropping seemed to appear that she wanted to keep things going with me.
Thus, I started to wonder if me shutting her out pushed her more to go ahead and be with him. Not that i'm making excuses for her, but the reality is technically she had a right to see whoever she wanted being that she was single. I was more hurt over the fact she didn't tell me she was seeing HIM as well as seeing me.
I understand what you are saying. I guess I was confused because we were having such a great time together (when we hung out after the break up), that I felt our bond was still intact although our closeness had changed little. Plus the hints that she was dropping seemed to appear that she wanted to keep things going with me.
Thus, I started to wonder if me shutting her out pushed her more to go ahead and be with him. Not that i'm making excuses for her, but the reality is technically she had a right to see whoever she wanted being that she was single. I was more hurt over the fact she didn't tell me she was seeing HIM as well as seeing me.
There was your mistake. You actually kept this woman in your life after she broke things off. Bad, bad move on your part.
Women don't respect men who will stay close to them at all costs to their self-respect. By sticking around, you didn't just get Friend-Zoned, you signed a multi-year lease with an option to renew. Had you simply said, "Well, thanks for memories" and walked away, the chances of her re-entering your life would have been much greater. For it would have been on your terms, not hers.
But going No Contact basically eliminates the possibility that you'll ever find out, one way or another.
That's exactly my point.
Truthfully speaking, because of our history, I understood that she still had some type of attraction to him before we broke.
At one point before we moved out to our own apartments, she did express that she feels like whatever her attraction is to him it is a distraction for her. And she needs to figure out why it exists and how to remove it. She felt like she couldn't do that with me around because she didn't want to do anything that was going to end up hurting me.
Most every couple that breaks up and then reconnects feels that spark with a renewed enthusiasm.
I encourage you to look at the big picture, at what her actions are actually saying, instead of reading into them what you WANT to see based on some article you read.
I understand what you're saying and if you do hold out hope that you two could be something, maybe contact her ONE time and tell her she can get in touch with IF she becomes certain...but not unless or until then.
In the meantime, you might better conduct your life as if it's not going to happen.
I understand what you're saying and if you do hold out hope that you two could be something, maybe contact her ONE time and tell her she can get in touch with IF she becomes certain...but not unless or until then.
In the meantime, you might better conduct your life as if it's not going to happen.
My plan was to go no contact for 30 days and see what happens. I know that I can reach out to her any time that I wanted and I know that she'll respond. But I thought this might give her a chance to see what its like without me being there at all for her.
My original fear when I made this post was thinking " Hey wait... maybe what I was missing was that I wasn't giving her any space but rather I was expecting the same relationship we always had together. Maybe that was a mistake on my part. What if she just needed some space to do her thing while I do mine???"
That said, I do have a tendency to over think and over analyze things. But that same bullheadedness may cause me to sometimes not let things run their course and let the pieces fall where they may.
Which is why I was wondering if my reaction to this was a little extreme?
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