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About a year after my divorce I met a girl (August 2016) that I really loved. It was my first relationship since the divorce and things started off fast and within a couple of months we were talking about moving in together in the summer of 2017. We both had 2 kids from previous marriages. She was planning on moving in to my house with her kids. Around January 2017 after I had some time for my logic reasoning to overriding the emotional, I realized the cost and time to finish my house to have enough space for 6 people would be difficult to meet by this summer. On top of that we'd have to buy a new vehicle to haul around 6 people. I told her I wanted to push the move in date back to the following summer to give us more time to adjust to the idea of living together but to also spread out the cost of the up front purchases we needed to make. Moving in has to be the summers not to interrupt her kids schools schedules, since her kids would be transferring schools for this move. She essentially had no savings so most of the cost would have fallen on me. After I mentioned this she was very upset, she told me she thought I was only doing this because I was trying to leave her. I talked with her and assured her that wasn't the case. After about a week she seemed back to normal. She later on told me she would wait for me and that she agreed this was the best decision. I also planned family trips for the summer and other activities that we could do as a blended family to help bridge the gap.
About 2 - 3 months after this she ended the relationship with me. She told me after pushing the moving date back she lost all trust in me and had mentally checked out of the relationship, she told me she figured that moving in would never happen. I was floored and I had no idea that she mentally checked out and was planning on breaking up with me. I asked her if this issue was so detrimental to the relationship then why didn't she tell me. She told me she didn't want to push me on the issue because she was afraid it would never happen then. She told me because I moved the date back that I wasn't ready for the relationship. I just thought this was absurd, because I thought I was doing what was best for both families. Anyway after she broke up with me I tried to get her back and said that I would hire someone to get the house done. I really loved this girl and was trying to do what I could to save the relationship. Even though the cost to do all this was a lot and would have fallen primarily on me, it was more important for me to save the relationship. I feel blown away, if I had known this was impacting her so badly I would have tried to do something but she broke up with me before I even had the chance. Was she being unreasonable or am I to blame for pushing back the move in date? I tried hard to make it right but she just tells me she can't trust me anymore.
Moving in together so soon was not a good idea for the kids, as you now know.
Consider it a blessing in disguise that you found out now and didn't confuse the children any more than necessary. Next time keep the kids out of it for several months and don't even talk about moving in until you've been exclusive for several more months.
Moving in together so soon was not a good idea for the kids, as you now know.
Consider it a blessing in disguise that you found out now and didn't confuse the children any more than necessary. Next time keep the kids out of it for several months and don't even talk about moving in until you've been exclusive for several more months.
Seems a rather abrupt ending to the relationship. Makes me think there is more going on than we are reading here.
The crux of the issue is communications. If you are at all surprised by your SO's actions, it's more than likely due to a lack of communications between the two of you.
It does sound like you may have dodged a bullet, but you may want to evaluate the relationship to determine if the lack of communication was primarily due to her actions, your actions or both.
You knew her a total of two months, and decided to blend the families already, based on knowing her two months?
Bad idea. At two months, you don't truly know a person. You don't know how they deal with adversity, or even with day-to-day frustrations that may come up, you may not know their spending styles, and how well did you know her kids? Do you know if they're well-behaved or not?
Some relationships do well after a whirlwind romance like that, but most don't. It's too bad she didn't really give it a chance (you did the right thing), but perhaps the fact that she couldn't understand or accept the fact that financially it would be a strain for you is a red flag. Also, I think few mothers would agree to moving their kids in with a guy they've only known two months. It makes me wonder if she was looking for a guy to help her with basic expenses she couldn't afford, and when you turned out to be more fiscally cautious (or not as loaded as she may have thought?), she backed off.
Without knowing more about her, all we're left with is speculation. Only you would know if, after some reflection, you'd dodged a bullet or not. But IMO, most people would understand when someone gets back to them and says, "You know, I've done the math and this isn't going to work out as soon as I'd hoped. I need to spread expenses over the next year, and take this project more gradually." That's perfectly reasonable.
I think it's unfortunate you rushed things and set up strong expectations that you couldn't meet. If I were her, I'd wonder as well, especially given with all the restrictions on timing it meant waiting another full year.
Just think how different it could have all gone if you hadn't jumped the gun and waited longer to decide to move in and then were realistic in how long the renovations would take? Next time, take a step back.
About a year after my divorce I met a girl (August 2016) that I really loved. It was my first relationship since the divorce and things started off fast and within a couple of months we were talking about moving in together in the summer of 2017. We both had 2 kids from previous marriages. She was planning on moving in to my house with her kids. Around January 2017 after I had some time for my logic reasoning to overriding the emotional, I realized the cost and time to finish my house to have enough space for 6 people would be difficult to meet by this summer. On top of that we'd have to buy a new vehicle to haul around 6 people. I told her I wanted to push the move in date back to the following summer to give us more time to adjust to the idea of living together but to also spread out the cost of the up front purchases we needed to make. Moving in has to be the summers not to interrupt her kids schools schedules, since her kids would be transferring schools for this move. She essentially had no savings so most of the cost would have fallen on me. After I mentioned this she was very upset, she told me she thought I was only doing this because I was trying to leave her. I talked with her and assured her that wasn't the case. After about a week she seemed back to normal. She later on told me she would wait for me and that she agreed this was the best decision. I also planned family trips for the summer and other activities that we could do as a blended family to help bridge the gap.
About 2 - 3 months after this she ended the relationship with me. She told me after pushing the moving date back she lost all trust in me and had mentally checked out of the relationship, she told me she figured that moving in would never happen. I was floored and I had no idea that she mentally checked out and was planning on breaking up with me. I asked her if this issue was so detrimental to the relationship then why didn't she tell me. She told me she didn't want to push me on the issue because she was afraid it would never happen then. She told me because I moved the date back that I wasn't ready for the relationship. I just thought this was absurd, because I thought I was doing what was best for both families. Anyway after she broke up with me I tried to get her back and said that I would hire someone to get the house done. I really loved this girl and was trying to do what I could to save the relationship. Even though the cost to do all this was a lot and would have fallen primarily on me, it was more important for me to save the relationship. I feel blown away, if I had known this was impacting her so badly I would have tried to do something but she broke up with me before I even had the chance. Was she being unreasonable or am I to blame for pushing back the move in date? I tried hard to make it right but she just tells me she can't trust me anymore.
I have dated a guy that had similar feelings, with a few differences. (I had the car to haul four kids and a house that had plenty of bedrooms already. He wanted me to move in with him after our kids were adults...I had a preschooler at the time)
What it boiled down to is he wanted different things and we were not on the same timetable. He was not a bad guy, just not the guy for me. Sounds like you both have different timetables.
It sounds to me as if he's really seeking our opinion. Your 'why don't you tell us what you want us to tell you' type of response is cold, however to the point, I'll give you that.
<Throwing in my opinion here>
As others have said, 2 months is very quick to make the decision to make such a drastic move. The real people that suffer here, are the children, had that move happened. I see it as a good thing for the children's sake that the 'relationship' was broken off. I'm sorry for your pain, but happy the kids didn't get hurt in all of this.
I think you are both unreasonable. Both for planning to move in together after such a short time, and with kids!
Your plan made sense, and she showed she would not be a reliable partner by bailing on you like that. It seems she had other reasons then what she is telling you, or she does not handle not getting her way well.
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