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My first wife and I had a fantastic relationship before the birth of our first son. Although I didn't agree with her parents about much (esp. religion, politics, sports) we were cordial. They relocated to our city to be close to the baby and over time they were a cancer to our relationship. Months of snide remarks, parental criticism, unfair judgements, meddling, and even cropping me out of facebook family photos just became too much. Kate and I argued about them more than anything and we argued a lot. Their favorite thing to do apparently was talk about what I could be doing better or how to "reverse" my parenting contributions. We began to struggle financially and she ended up being fired from her job. Our marriage suffered greatly and i'm sure her parents took these opportunities to poison the well despite her willingness to continue to work on things. Eventually it ended and I can't help feeling that those two did everything in their power to make sure things didn't work out. Anybody else have similar relationships with their in-laws either past or present?
My first wife and I had a fantastic relationship before the birth of our first son. Although I didn't agree with her parents about much (esp. religion, politics, sports) we were cordial. They relocated to our city to be close to the baby and over time they were a cancer to our relationship. Months of snide remarks, parental criticism, unfair judgements, meddling, and even cropping me out of facebook family photos just became too much. Kate and I argued about them more than anything and we argued a lot. Their favorite thing to do apparently was talk about what I could be doing better or how to "reverse" my parenting contributions. We began to struggle financially and she ended up being fired from her job. Our marriage suffered greatly and i'm sure her parents took these opportunities to poison the well despite her willingness to continue to work on things. Eventually it ended and I can't help feeling that those two did everything in their power to make sure things didn't work out. Anybody else have similar relationships with their in-laws either past or present?
Inlaws will always favor their children over you. A strong relationship will overcome the inlaws. The bolded section is key to your statement. Birth of a child, financial struggles, and firing from job are ton of added pressure and explain some of the foundation cracks.
Was she fired due to your relationship problems or lack of focus at work? I think some separation from her parents would be a good thing.
We live in Utah (just the two of us + a baby) and all of our family is back in Florida. Praise christ there are 2000 miles between all of us. We can overcome any challenges that arise ourselves and don't need to be near family dealing with all their problems.
Inlaws will always favor their children over you. A strong relationship will overcome the inlaws. The bolded section is key to your statement. Birth of a child, financial struggles, and firing from job are ton of added pressure and explain some of the foundation cracks.
Was she fired due to your relationship problems or lack of focus at work? I think some separation from her parents would be a good thing.
We live in Utah (just the two of us + a baby) and all of our family is back in Florida. Praise christ there are 2000 miles between all of us. We can overcome any challenges that arise ourselves and don't need to be near family dealing with all their problems.
She was fired for calling out too many days. A lot of unnecessary trips to the pediatrician at the advice of her mother
In laws can be. It's definitely something to look at before marriage. I've been lucky with my in laws, both my late husband's and my current husband. They take my side. /lol
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After being in a multi-year cohabiting relationship with a man with an utter nightmare of a family, I learned that it was important to me to vet the family of anybody I was getting serious with. I now have inlaws who are amazing, and a spouse who gets along well with his inlaws, as well.
My first wife and I had a fantastic relationship before the birth of our first son. Although I didn't agree with her parents about much (esp. religion, politics, sports) we were cordial. They relocated to our city to be close to the baby and over time they were a cancer to our relationship. Months of snide remarks, parental criticism, unfair judgements, meddling, and even cropping me out of facebook family photos just became too much. Kate and I argued about them more than anything and we argued a lot. Their favorite thing to do apparently was talk about what I could be doing better or how to "reverse" my parenting contributions. We began to struggle financially and she ended up being fired from her job. Our marriage suffered greatly and i'm sure her parents took these opportunities to poison the well despite her willingness to continue to work on things. Eventually it ended and I can't help feeling that those two did everything in their power to make sure things didn't work out. Anybody else have similar relationships with their in-laws either past or present?
Yes. I have had a few relationships end because of parenting issues. My parents hated my ex husband. His parents hated me. We were young and still trying to maintain our core families and blend them. What we ended up with was his family against mine. War is still going strong over a decade later. I made his mother stop and talk to me a few weeks ago when I ran into her at the store. I try to be pleasant and hope that one day the war can end.
With my sons parents, they were of a very low class. I tried to like them. They tried to take advantage of me financially. I wanted to avoid them, but had no issues with my ex spending time with his family. They decided that I was stuck up, hated me and then ex decided to be even and hate my family. He just does not realize his family is dysfunctional and not the type of people you remain close ties with.
I am thankful that I am not his wife, because his dysfunctional low life brothers all live with her now.
After being in a multi-year cohabiting relationship with a man with an utter nightmare of a family, I learned that it was important to me to vet the family of anybody I was getting serious with. I now have inlaws who are amazing, and a spouse who gets along well with his inlaws, as well.
Amen. It is only possible to avoid dysfunctional families if both parties agree. I date a guy now with a dysfunctional mom, but he keeps a healthy boundary. I like her even though she does have a few quirks.
Mr.Mathlete has the opposite problem: family who constantly put him down and make him feel like loser. My getting involved and chewing them out would only make it worse, is they really don't do that in front of me because I am still considered an outsider. My roll is to be cordial with them, and be that safe place for him vent and feel loved.
In a lot of ways, they are great people. Will do anything to help you. At the same time, they are highly judgmental and money-obsessed folks. As in they spend their entire days talking about how everybody else on the planet is stupid in a) How they spend their money, b) How they raise their kids, or c) How they keep up their homes.
They are also pretty overbearing people, weighing in at a drop of a hat on how their kids run their lives. My father-in-law will question every dime his sons spend. When he learns of our taking a vacation, his only question is, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" When my brother and his wife adopted a child, his only question was, again, "How much does that cost?" Money is the barometer of his life. Currently, my wife and I are looking at buying a sailboat. When he asked, "How much does that cost?" I replied in a breezy tone, "Probably less than you spend on golf."
As a result, they have three sons who have emotional issues, not that they'd ever admit it. I set the tone early on, essentially telling my father-in-law that there are definitely no-go zones in what he could chime in on. In other words, I'm not interested in your opinion.
Oh and they are devout Catholics. Nothing wrong with that per se. But when we chose to baptize our children as Episcopalians, well, My God. Threats to boycott the baptism, you name it.
It came to a head in our marriage when, upon getting a sizable windfall, my wife and I were trying to figure out how to use it. I wanted to paint the house, because it was looking shabby. Meanwhile, my wife wanted to have a new concrete patio poured. We batted it around for an hour, discussing it like calm, reasonable adults, when my wife said, "Well, my mother thinks we need a patio." As if she had just laid down the trump card or something.
I counted to five and replied, as calmly as possible, "It's okay if you and I disagree on something. But if your mother's opinon is more important than mine, then go live with her." So we took that money and went to the Virgin Islands instead. Worked out.
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