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So recently I went through a really hard situation with a guy I met online. We fell for each other, everything was great, and then he vanished. I think he got scared and hadn't been out of his past relationship for a long enough time and his feelings for me totally freaked him out.
Slowly I was determined not to let this sad set back drag me backwards, so as much as I miss this guy and think it was truly unfortunate how things seemed so great, I am open now to continuing to talk and see other men who can possibly give me what I am looking for. I have been talking to a few different guys from a good online site. Two in particular have been chatting with me for over a week, and we have exchanged numbers. One seems more interested in me than the other. Unfortunately, they both live an hour away, one north and one south and neither one has asked to see me or go out yet. I sort of wish they would, because I don’t want to waste my time talking and talking and nothing ever happening.
The main point of this post though, is that a girl friend of mine set me up with a guy. She and her boyfriend went to a family party. It was her boyfriend’s family and a lot of their family friends were there. One guy in particular was a family friend. She called me immediately telling me how this guy was so great, nice, successful, and single. She insisted she set us up. She sent me pictures of him so I could see him. She sent him pictures of me. She said he was interested in meeting me. She gave him my number. He texted me. We briefly chatted. He asked where I lived and then we made small talk. He then suggested we go out. He asked me to go out the night after, but I had weekend plans, so I suggested another day. He said sure, and he mentioned going out for drinks. I said sure. But then he never mentioned a place in particular. I asked about what he had in mind and he mentioned a place. It wasn’t a place I loved, so I suggested another popular place nearby. He said he also loved that place and that would be fine as long as I was comfortable. But he didn’t set a time with me or any details at all. Then he sort of fell off the texting train. I’m fine with that, as he seems to want to save everything for in person communication which I like, but I am confused at this point if we even have a date. This all started last Friday and now our date is tomorrow, Tuesday, and we have no set plan. I find this very odd. My friend said he was single and open to dating and had a hard time finding a good girl and really wanted to meet me. He seemed interested enough to ask me out, but then no I have not heard from him and all I know if a place, and a night, but no time, no meeting place, no plan for sure. I guess I’m just confused by this.
Unlike the other men I’ve been talking to who haven’t asked me out at all, I can appreciate that this guy immediately suggested we meet in person, but at the same time, I am so confused by this lack of effort I suppose.
Any thoughts on this? I am not a serial dater and barely ever go out or talk to multiple people so this is all new to me. I am 25, have a good steady full time job, am taking classes to further my career, have a great apartment, car, friends, family. I know what I want. I want a stable, smart, funny, handsome man who puts effort and time into seeing me, whilst also not being too clingy and having a strong life himself.
The first guy I was seeing whom vanished, had a lot of qualities I loved, but lacked the effort and time in the end and well he kind of passively ghosted me. I am a bit jaded about continuing to date people from this and want to protect myself. I keep meeting these guys. They are awesome. We hit it off. I get super happy. I then start opening up slowly. I'm the type to be very in my head. And then once they start opening up and getting vulnerable, then I start opening up too, knowing that they are makes me feel comfortable and willing to invest. But then it seems these men realize they aren't ready to feel such feelings and be so committed and they leave. One guy in the past even told me I was perfect wife materiel and someone his family would love, and he could see me being someone he sees himself with in the long run. Clearly, I am still dating so that wasn't the case. Guys tell me I'm so great and I have so much to offer, but they can't live up to all of that.
How do I avoid this when dating? I am just being myself and trying to meet someone who will fight for me and be afraid to lose me. I can't seem to find that.
Why do you continue to wait for the guy to make the move, give the details, ask to meet?
With the 2 you've been talking to online-- just come right out and say/text/what ever: "I think we get along, I enjoy talking to you. Do you want to meet at XYZ around dark-thirty to have a drink on Thursday?"
There! The wait is over, they either do or they don't! When someone suggests meeting, and you want to, don't end the conversation until you know what day, what time and where.
Are you really going to continue to text back and forth all summer until one of them asks you?
Too many guys today are just in it for the thrill of the chase. As soon as you start getting touchy-feely with them, they bolt. It hurts, so I understand you feeling cautious. But some guys are just shy. And I'm thinking shy guys might be more apt to take things seriously and be less apt to bolt. If you ever hope to find out you will have to reach out or miss out. Me too. Easier said than done though, right? Good luck!
Too many guys today are just in it for the thrill of the chase. As soon as you start getting touchy-feely with them, they bolt. It hurts, so I understand you feeling cautious. But some guys are just shy. And I'm thinking shy guys might be more apt to take things seriously and be less apt to bolt. If you ever hope to find out you will have to reach out or miss out. Me too. Easier said than done though, right? Good luck!
Miz Ree, I shall beg to differ - to a certain point.
Yes, many (but most certainly not all) are in it for the thrill of the chase. Same goes for many women, towards men. I've seen and experienced it, and it does hurt.
Shy men/women may be more grounded, yet they are fighting an uphill battle, as they're not as aggressive and/or assertive in terms of dating. In many an instance, they don't put themselves out there As much - and when they do, are relegated to the friend zone.
sometimes when we are looking for a relationship, we tend to get going too far too fast, and that scares people, men AND women.
OP what you need to do is relax and let things come to you. take your time, get to know these guys and let them get to know you. never force the issue though as you will scare them away. and it doesnt matter if you do this online, or in person, unless the other person is also ready right away, they will bolt, or at least force things into slow motion.
for example, in 2006 i dated a wonderful lady, who was very aggressive in moving forward with dating. at the time i was ready for a relationship so it didnt frighten me in the least. and even though we started dating pretty much right away, we did take our time getting to know each other.
so again, take your time, get to know these guys, and let them get to know you. dont be in a rush for a new relationship.
I wouldn't be so hung up on it if it's with someone you've never met. He could be feeling the same fear. Might explain his lack of effort. If he's still like that after you meet, then forget him.
To be honest you make this seem more dramatic than it really is. People have been standing each other up for eternity. I suggest you don't get emotionally invested any form of relationship until a few positive dates transpire.
Imo he probably didn't like that you nixed his day and locations. Maybe he felt you were too high maintenance from the get go and wanted a polite out.
To be honest you make this seem more dramatic than it really is. People have been standing each other up for eternity. I suggest you don't get emotionally invested any form of relationship until a few positive dates transpire.
I really am not a high maintenance person. It’s just he suggested a place that I knew was really loud and expensive for drinks. I suggested somewhere, that was more quiet, so we could talk and get to know each other better. I guess I also found it strange that he asked me out for "beers" late on a Saturday night. I don't expect much, and I never expect anyone to pay for me, but most respectable guys ask me to dinner, not to a bar late on a Saturday night when it’s a clear party scene. I was the one who had to switch it to Tuesday, because I had other plans. If I don't hear from him about details this afternoon, I am going to text him about it, and gauge from there. I still do want to meet him and just see how it goes. I'm open for that.
I don't mean to scare people at all. I don't mean to move fast. With the first guy I met online, we talked for three weeks digitally, texting and on the phone. Then we met and we meshed well and the chemistry was definitely there. I think we did move a bit fast. I think we both did, not just me. And unfortunately now he is gone. But I didn’t start investing until after we had gone on multiple dates. I slowly started opening up and becoming attached when he started acting more and more into me. I started getting more comfortable after he started telling he liked me so much, was starting to care for me, was inviting me over a lot, and talking future talk with me like how I can help him decorate his new place and talking like I was going to keep seeing him. It then seemed more solid to me that he wanted to keep seeing me. He even sat me down and told me he wanted to make sure we were on the same page with things and how he liked me so much and he didn’t want to mess anything up, so didn’t want to rush. He had been in a 12 year relationship and he told me it might take him a little more time to open up emotionally if I could be patient with him. I agreed. He said he loved monogamy and relationships and that was what he was looking for.
He was the one that had baggage and said he wanted to take it slow, but then he didn't actually take it slow. I went along with what he wanted, thinking it was fine. I didn't try to pressure him, ask for more, or be clingy. I hate that now he has passively ghosted me. We flowed so well and things were moving in a good direction. I was dating him and having fun and I thought things would just happen as they were meant to. He got spooked one way or another. I really liked him. My friends were all really supportive and positive. I would tell them what he said and how he acted and it was so so good that they were all convinced I would have a boyfriend soon enough. This was crushing when he sort of faded away. I don't think it was the lack of feelings. We went out over 6 times. The last time I saw him he kissed me goodbye and was saying how he was going to see me and everything. He liked me. I liked him. It was him and his issues, maybe not being quite ready after his 12 year relationship to be with me. It could very well be. It’s just heartbreaking because I am ready to meet someone. I am in no rush, but if I meet someone I mesh with, I know what I want and I want to work towards that at a natural pace. I can't be with someone who doesn't know what they want and doesn't prioritize me in some way, as its heartbreaking. I am willing to put in time and effort if someone does the same and for me, that is what grows a relationship. If you both put in mutual effort, and it doesn’t work out, then you know it was something to do with feelings. But if you both mutually put in effort, then to me, it has the chance to grow organically. With the first guy, right before he passively ghosted me (as I think if I texted him right now, he would answer), he was calling to see me a lot, telling me he really liked me, and showing lots of interest.
I’m terrified of this happening again with someone else, but I want so badly to keep dating and be open and move forward. And then all of my friends and family keep telling me that ghost guy will most likely definitely come back around and then I’m scared that if I meet someone else and he comes back around I will be trapped between them and I won’t know what to do. I just feel like I can’t sit back and wait around for something to come to me. It isn’t fair to me. I am single and I want to meet someone who compliments my life as I do theirs. I think I need to continue moving forward, but it’s hard when you keep putting yourself out there and keep having things not work out. I seem to be cursed with bad timing. I keep meeting great men whom I really like and its always the worst timing ever. My first serious thing, we met when he was just out of a serious relationship. He wasn’t ready. But we went ahead anyway, which was a bad idea. I ended up in an on and off toxic relationship for three years. Then I meet this very successful older mature man. He’s a dream guy and he likes me. He then springs on me that he is going to be moving across the country in two months. We date for two months and then it just ends. Then I started talking to this guy online I went to college with. We knew each other very little, but through mutual friends. He’s awesome and we hit it off so well. But then he springs on me that he is going back to school for a higher degree and isn’t coming home for two years. We still chat here and there casually through text and there is flirtation, but I think we both mutually know it can’t be anything. He even told me he hopes I’m still around and available when he moves back, but I tell him I am not waiting around for him or anyone else. And then the most recent ghosting guy. Out of a 12 year relationship and broken engagement. Down to earth, cute, smart, stable career, fun, and I just don’t think he’s ready for anything right now, because of his past. Like why can’t I meet him a year from now? It just stinks. My luck seems just so bad. All my friends meet men and they are just normal. Average. Live near here, have a steady job, single, ready for a relationship, and they have no strange circumstances like I seem to keep having. My friends laugh and tell me it’s because I don’t settle and I am interested in motivated and successful men, which isn’t a bad thing, but the fact that they are motivated and successful means that they are prioritizing that in their lives.
I’m nice, kind, cute, smart, successful, and I have a lot to offer someone and a huge heart to give.
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