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All right so here it is
I've been with my bf for about a year and I love him dearly and everything is great. But I have trouble getting over when he slept with this other chick when we were talking (say July last year and we started our relationship in August) not only that but that was him losing his virginity. Previous to this we had been taking/ hanging out for four months and were Watching movies together but we never did anything. Since I found that out, I now know that they hooked up on his couch just like when I first kissed him and she slept in his bed and so did I. Within a one month period.
Anyway to make matters worst I was going through his phone (yeah I know I'm crazy) and I found messages he sent to his friends about me and about her and there's a literal message he sends where he says ".. yeah you're probably right I'll just go after (me) and not (her)" like he had to be convinced to date me or something?
Meanwhile all his friends and him are ting on me in the messages for not doing anything with him? Yeah that made me feel great.
If this wasn't as bad I've stalked the chick and she is so much prettier then me. But now I'm obsessed, I screenshot her instagram photos and Facebook posts just to make myself feel bad because she's so pretty and popular and funny. And I'm not. All of his friends are friends with her. And for the last three weeks I've had nightmares - the nightmares are both he and this chick sitting on the couch making out and then moving to the bed and then she leaves and I walk in straight after and he makes out with me and then we have sex and I wake up crying and upset.
I think about this all the time I never used to have self esteem issues but now I'm constantly comparing myself to someone else.
I constantly think I was second best and I was picked last.
Please I need someone to tell me what I should do.
I love him so much but I can't keep doing this if I can't escape these thoughts.
You're engaging in a lot of rumination and obsessive thoughts here. As one that's been down that road I know that no one, not you, not your BF, not anyone in this forum can talk you out of the thoughts you're having. All the logic and kind words in the world won't make them go away. It's kind of like a non-stop movie in your brain. You need to find the pause button.
You can find the pause button, and you can slowly diminish/stop these thoughts if you want to do so. It takes conscious effort though on your part. There are several ways to stop the rumination and obsessive thinking that goes along with it. First you need to learn to recognize it for what it is--just thoughts and questions with no answers. Mentally say to yourself--this is just a thought. Then you need to actively force yourself to stop them. Some people use a mental image of a stop sign to do. When you recognize the thought you mentally visualize a stop sign. Personally that didn't work for me. I did find the rubber band method helpful. I wore a heavy rubber band around my wrist. Whenever I recognized myself starting to ruminate and obsess I snapped the rubber band. It was a temporary fix until I learned to better control the thoughts and eventually eliminate them. Another easy self-help method is to ground yourself in the moment and today. Mentally, or even out loud, state the date. It's July 16, 2017--not 2016. Focus on something within your line of sight that helps you realize it is not that time. I can't really translate a few years of therapy into a few sentences. My next suggestion though would be to start practicing mindfulness.
Really none of this is about the BF at this point. It's about how your brain is functioning right now. A break up won't necessarily help. Only you can fix it.
Agree with poster above - you need mental help. None of what you wrote comes from a healthy mind.
You're definitely not ready for a gf/bf relationship until a medical professional suggests that you are. Your post actually reminded me of the movie, Single White Female.
You are not ready for a relationship until you fix your mental health issues.
If you manage to get into a relationship, you'll destroy it and him, and only make your issues worse.
Stop looking for boyfriends, and instead arrange to see a therapist asap. He or she will help you get to the bottom of your mental issues, and help you to build a proper psychological foundation. Then you will be ready for a relationship, and it will be great.
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