My boyfriend told me he feels smothered by me but I love our schedule, how do I fix this? (long distance, how to)
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I'm a 24F female and my boyfriend is 28M. I need some help on how to make my boyfriend not feel totally smothered by me. I'm so happy with our weekly schedule and do not feel smothered at all, but I know he's not happy so I want to fix things.
Since we met 2 years ago, we've always each had our own apartments. I used to live 45 minutes away, then we did long distance for a few months, then last February I moved 15 minutes away from him. Since then, I usually stop by for a few hours after work between 7-10 on weekdays (mon-thur). He gets out at 5. We typically talk for an hour about our days and then split and do something separate until I go home. Sometimes we hang on the couch and watch Netflix. It varies between the days on what happens specifically but not on purpose. On 1 weekend day I try and see a friend, usually Friday night for example. He usually sees a friend or sees a football game with his Dad. There are some weekends neither of us have outside plans, but we try. Typically on Friday, Saturday, and Sundays I sleep over his place. We usually have "date day" on either Saturday or Sunday depending on what's going on for us separately (hobbies, friend outings, etc.) Sometimes we have plans with other couples that we go to together. 1 weekend of every month I go home out of state (3 hrs away) and he usually doesn't come because I go to see my friends/family. That's pretty much the schedule.
Everything in my mind is great, but yesterday he mentioned how he feels smothered and how much he misses sleeping alone on the weekends. For example on some weekend days he'll say "You can sleep over if you want to. I don't care either way." I get hurt by this because I wish he wanted me to stay because I really like staying. I guess I'm just needy, I like being around him. He said not to take this personally because he says a lot of people would prefer sleeping alone. Anyway, this upcoming February my lease is up. I wanted to move into the spare bedroom of his house (he rents from our mutual friend) and have that be my "office/closet" space but move my mattress home and sleep in his bed at night. He also agreed to this and says it's what he wants, but I'm worried he will begin to resent me. I know how strongly he feels about sleeping alone and how he already feels I'm around too much. I'd love to live with him and I know I would be thrilled, but I don't want to ruin the relationship. I'm sad that we're on such different pages. I thought about just not seeing him during the week, but inevitably we will live together, and then what? What can I do to fix this?
Edit: I like to add that I decided to make this post because he's been saying that we're "too much" a lot more frequently lately. He compared me to chocolate cake, saying too much of a good thing is a bad thing. We've had issues in the past of him blaming my presence as the reason he can't get things done because I distract him, even if we're in separate rooms. We had a long talk about his ADHD and how it's harder for him to focus on tasks but I feel that he still internally blames me for his lack of productivity even though he stopped saying it out loud. He's always been very independent and likes being alone, I'm just afraid this is an incompatibility. He told me he wants to go to the gym and have a "schedule" for grad school assignments but doesn't because he comes home and then I show up and nothing "gets done." I don't understand why he simply can't pack a gym bag and make time for the gym after work or something, but then he just gets upset because "I don't understand his ADHD."
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Last edited by maryjok92; 10-27-2017 at 11:01 AM..
I don't think you smother him. You spend more than enough time away from him. It would be more than normal to move together now, yet he tries to distance himself and checks out of the relationship more and more. Actions speak louder than words.
Why not sit down and have a "where are we now and do we have a future together" talk? Be prepared for him to say you are not in his plans. After 2 years together, you should clearly be headed towards a common goal (living together, kids, marriage). Seems to me like he is losing interest and sadly, there is nothing you can do about it.
I think if you do nothing, he is trying to fade away slowly, if not looking for someone else already. Better have a talk and see where his mind is and take the consequences.
I don't think you smother him. You spend more than enough time away from him. It would be more than normal to move together now, yet he tries to distance himself and checks out of the relationship more and more. Actions speak louder than words.
Why not sit down and have a "where are we now and do we have a future together" talk? Be prepared for him to say you are not in his plans. After 2 years together, you should clearly be headed towards a common goal (living together, kids, marriage). Seems to me like he is losing interest and sadly, there is nothing you can do about it.
I think if you do nothing, he is trying to fade away slowly, if not looking for someone else already. Better have a talk and see where his mind is and take the consequences.
I really thought we did. We're extremely affectionate, when he comes home he usually kisses my face like 30 times until I'm geeking. We're very playful and our sex life is fantastic. I'm honestly so happy with everything and don't know why he's holding back.
He's always been really slow with the relationship, but I figured after a while (like at this point) he would "warm up" to me being a part of his life but he still resents me for being around (I feel) and brings up my "over stayed welcome" on a weekly basis. He'll do it as a joke like "are you trying to stay over tonight!? you need to go home!"
He says it nicely but it's kind of exhausting to always be "in the way."
I really just wish we can go one week without him bringing up how he feels I'm always around or that I'm in his space too much, etc.
I really thought we did. We're extremely affectionate, when he comes home he usually kisses my face like 30 times until I'm geeking. We're very playful and our sex life is fantastic. I'm honestly so happy with everything and don't know why he's holding back.
He's always been really slow with the relationship, but I figured after a while (like at this point) he would "warm up" to me being a part of his life but he still resents me for being around (I feel) and brings up my "over stayed welcome" on a weekly basis. He'll do it as a joke like "are you trying to stay over tonight!? you need to go home!"
He says it nicely but it's kind of exhausting to always be "in the way."
I really just wish we can go one week without him bringing up how he feels I'm always around or that I'm in his space too much, etc.
I totally understand your confusion. He doesn't make any sense.
Now after I read how affectionate he is, I would like to change my answer.
Maybe he is just one of these people who DO need a lot of privacy.
I would not move in with him. And I still would have a future talk and an honest talk of what he expects and also bring up his comments. They are "playful" but clearly very hurtful, too, I totally get you.
And once he tells you what he really wants (meet less often?) you have to make a decision if this is enough for you. But his comments need to stop and you probably need to pick up another hobby away from him.
After I have a long day of work I love stopping by to see him. It's the highlight of my day because I love him so much and he's my best friend. If I didn't stop by for 3 days in a row, I would be sad. Doesn't my happiness matter too? Shouldn't I be with someone who feels the same way about me?
He's the one who likes having a schedule because he has ADHD and can basically only function with schedules and lists etc.
I really thought we did. We're extremely affectionate, when he comes home he usually kisses my face like 30 times until I'm geeking. We're very playful and our sex life is fantastic. I'm honestly so happy with everything and don't know why he's holding back.
He's always been really slow with the relationship, but I figured after a while (like at this point) he would "warm up" to me being a part of his life but he still resents me for being around (I feel) and brings up my "over stayed welcome" on a weekly basis. He'll do it as a joke like "are you trying to stay over tonight!? you need to go home!"
He says it nicely but it's kind of exhausting to always be "in the way."
I really just wish we can go one week without him bringing up how he feels I'm always around or that I'm in his space too much, etc.
I could be wrong, but it sound like he likes the sexual part, but doesn't want any more commitment.
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