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Suggest to her that you found each other 23 + years ago.
Unless she is seeking a witness protection program ,changing the last name is a hassle. Legal docs,drivers license,credit report,title of home. Does she really want to go that route?
If changing the last name is magically going to make her find herself,she is in for a wake up call. Even her maiden name came from someone else. She doesn't own it.
My x fought me when we divorced. Over all things,my dropping his last name. We didn't fight over money..our kids..or any provisions. Just that I stop using his last name. I laughed so hard . As civil As we were,that request was down right silly. Kinda like your wife's sudden reasoning.
yes, exactly! such a damned hassle for no reason whatsoever. And I still do not understand this whole "find herself" reasoning TO BE HONEST I really don't know what she'd find that she hasn't found already. And like you said, her maiden name came from someone else too so I'm not sure why she wants to go back to it.
Your ex-husband is the level of petty I've always tried my best to not reach by the way, no offense or anything but whoah
yes, exactly! such a damned hassle for no reason whatsoever. And I still do not understand this whole "find herself" reasoning TO BE HONEST I really don't know what she'd find that she hasn't found already. And like you said, her maiden name came from someone else too so I'm not sure why she wants to go back to it.
Your ex-husband is the level of petty I've always tried my best to not reach by the way, no offense or anything but whoah
She has an idea of what a perfect life entails. It's clear that it doesn't mesh with your worldview. Either you haven't been listening and/or she doesn't feel comfortable discussing it with you. It's likely because you've either been directly or indirectly telling her that you don't care to understand her dreams/worldview.
So let me get this straight:
1.) You think that your wife using her maiden name is against american traditions.
Its not, the last name has nothing to do with your relationship. You think she is an extension of you, as opposed to you being of each other. That makes it sound like you own her.
2.) Youre ashamed of your wifes italian heritage.
This could be one of the reasons she is losing your name in the first place.
3.) You think feminists are "messing up" your wife.
Have you considered that your old school thinking might have driven her to support feminism over the 23 years of marriage to you?
4.) You are happy but your wife is not and you dont know why
I wont get into the implications of women that wont give you a reason when you ask them about something this big, its usually bad.
If you dont know why your wife might be unhappy, you have been ignoring/neglecting her emotionally for quite some time. If she hasnt told you she was unhappy, that is partly her fault as well, but she could be emotionally checking out. It might be too late for you.
I mean, it does go against our traditions. After marriage, women take their husband's last name as they become one family unit. That's how it goes. That's how it's always gone for centuries. She can't just decide to go back to her former name after 23 years of marriage with no explanation other than that she doesn't want me taking credit for her accomplishments anymore. Because her dad taking credit for her accomplishments is so much better??
Also, I'm not ashamed of anything and I don't think I own her either, that's why i said that if she starts going around using her *Italian sounding* last name, it will reflect on me and my cultural identity as well. which is a problem.
I think that in 2017 there is too much coercion towards unnecessary change. sometimes, change is necessary. but let's not overdo it. that's my view.
In closing, I haven't been emotionally neglecting her in any way, shape, or form. If anything she's the one always out for drinks and dinner with her friends. Maybe I should request to change my last name
hey folks, a friend of mine dave recommended this website and said he's gotten some pretty solid advice from here so i'll try it out and hopefully figure out what i'll do:
so for some reason my wife has suddenly decided she wants to officially go back to her maiden name and frankly, I am confused (??) I asked her if this means she wants some time apart and she said something like "no, i just don't want you to take credit for my life anymore" which only confused me further. i tried talking about it some more but she just got angry and stormed off. i'm not sure what exactly is happening and why she's acting this way but i think going back to her maiden name is a pretty damned awful idea.
first of all, people like friends and work associates or just acquaintances in general will be mighty confused as for the 23 years we've been married, she's always gone by my name and only my name.
second of all, a little voice inside my head is telling me that this is the first step towards an eventual divorce and the thought of that worries me because i'm for the most part happy, and the idea of her not being happy with me agonizes me to no end, especially because this whole name change need popped up out of nowhere. also, as long as we're married she really shouldn't be going by anyone's name but mine, that's how our society works and we can't just manipulate our country's traditions whenever we see fit. next thing you know she'll want me to take HER name. i'm not a controlling guy and my wife and i have always been completely equal, but we gotta abide by the law and when something is wrong, i'm gonna be upfront about it.
third of all, this may sound rather racist or whatever but my wife's maiden name is italian because her father is from italy and i don't want our friends and people in our social circle thinking we aren't from here 100%. i mean my wife can be italian all she wants but when she's married to me, who she is in an extension of who i am and i am 100% from the United States, so yeah it may raise some eyebrows which i don't want.
bottom line, i think this is ridiculous and i have to figure out a way to tell my wife she can't go back to her old name as her real name is my name, and it has been for 23 years. also. do you guys think this means she wants to get divorced in the near future? thanks for any input.
Yes it appears the first step to divorce, I am so sorry to stay that. She is an adult so whatever name she choose to be called by is up to her. But no one does this after 23 years, generally if it happens, it is within a few months or so of getting married.
Also, I'm not ashamed of anything and I don't think I own her either, that's why i said that if she starts going around using her *Italian sounding* last name, it will reflect on me and my cultural identity as well. which is a problem.
unq.
You sound insecure. Why is it a problem if your wife is of Italian descent?
i think i'm explaining myself weird because what's offensive in what i said? i mean i'm very sorry for offending you or anything, i have no problem with foreigners or anything like that, all i'm saying is that I AM not a foreigner and don't want to identify as one, and like i said my wife is obviously an extension of me.
i've tried talking to her about this ridiculous idea and she keeps on dodging the conversation and saying there isn't anything else to talk about. right. sorry if I'm coming across as racist, i'm not. i'm just beyond annoyed at my wife for creating this hullabaloo
you didn't say anything wrong nor anything racist. Just ignore those who are trying to derail your thread
Don't respond to them no matter how hard they try to keep posting that same nonsense. We can go back to your OP now.
Just because you've been physically there, ie not out for drinks/dinner with your friends, doesn't mean you haven't been emotionally neglecting her. You seem like a guy who has a very black-and-white view of the world and doesn't compromise from that very easily. It's very likely your wife knows her changing worldview doesn't comport with that and therefore is afraid of talking to you about it.
The things you've written indicate that you have a pretty childlike approach to conflict.
You have to talk this over with your wife, but to do that, you need to brush up on some basics about debating and fighting fair. Remember that you are fighting for your relationship, not to win.
It doesn't sound like you have much emotional intimacy AT ALL. If you did, you would not be this bewildered.
And after reading more of what you wrote, I do think she's taking steps to separate herself from you eventually.
Also, I'm not ashamed of anything and I don't think I own her either, that's why i said that if she starts going around using her *Italian sounding* last name, it will reflect on me and my cultural identity as well. which is a problem.
unq.
You sound insecure. Why is it a problem if your wife is of Italian descent?
it's a problem because italian descent = italian sounding last name and like i mentioned before that isn't part of our mutual cultural identity as a married couple and in general just isn't something i want to associate myself with. I'm American and that's all there is to it.
See my post #27. There's the black-and-white and no compromise. Marriage is all about compromises, but your wife realizes that isn't possible with you.
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