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Edited the original post, apologizes for not editing it into paragraphs in the first place:
My husband and I both work, we got married 3.5 years ago and we both make good money. We live in an expensive city though. His parents make okay money, not the best (his dad has his own business but he is giving it up because he doesn’t make much from it, and he will continue his online business and driving a taxi part time. His mom also works, bringing in about $1200 a month.)
His dad also owns a 1 million dollar + property in the city that he rents out (it’s worth that much because of the city we live in, not because of the size or the area). My husband bought them a house (he technically bought it for himself, but he told his parents that he wanted to buy them a nice house to live in, so he did) 4 years ago, for the purpose of moving them from the house they own to the suburbs and also for us to live there for a year or two after we got married.
We lived there for 2 years, and in the meantime I bought a house (it’s more cost efficient to own a home in the area that we live in, because renting would cost about the same) in my own name so that we could have our own place to live; my in laws are great, but I wanted my own space and I was tired of making that sacrifice.
We moved out into our own place, and I pay the mortgage, oil, all bills for the home. He pays for his home (where his parents live), and for a while he was paying for their bills as well. A year later he stopped paying for the bills, but he paid $1000 every month for one of his sister’s tuitions. This has ended, but he still makes almost a 4K payment for the mortgage/ property taxes where his parents live. His parents have not contributed to the mortgage in about 3 years, because they haven’t had enough left over at the end of the month to contribute.
In the last three years, we have only taken small vacations in the US and have not been able to go anywhere outside of the country. We’re also both approaching 30 (he will be 30 next year, and I will be 28), and we have no savings and I am worried that this is how our money will keep disappearing, and we won’t have any money for our kids at this rate because of the amount of expenses we have every month. The remainder of my husband’s money that he has after paying for the mortgage has lately been going to help me pay off some of my credit card debt and the 4 personal loans I took out to fix up the house that I bought for me and him to live in. I have been paying for our mortgage (about 2.5k), loans and my credit card debt for 2 years now, all by myself. He started helping out about 3 months ago.
This is a really tough situation for me, because in our cultures (we are south Asian) we are supposed to help our parents as they reach old age. The thing is that both of his parents are healthy, and he has been going above and beyond to pay for their lifestyle, and I am at a point where I am now fed up, because I feel like his main priority is his parents. My parents are not wealthy either, but I give them about $1000 every few months to help out. I am always strapped financially every month, because of the sheer number of bills / loans/ student loans/ mortgage payment that I make.
How can I bring this up to him in a manner that is acceptable, without him taking it the wrong way? Every time I bring up this topic, it is such a sore topic and we always get into an argument because he says that he has a selfish motive behind the house which is having them stay there for a few years until his younger sisters are out of college and can help pay for their parents - that he wants the house to appreciate so that we can one day rent it out or sell it for a hefty amount. And while I understand the bigger picture that is in his head, I am struggling so much to accept the fact that more than half his paycheck goes to his parents via paying for the mortgage and random other things, and that I am fronting all of the bills for our own living.
We don’t have savings, so anytime there is an emergency we keep dipping back into the credit cards we work hard to pay off. I’m also very frustrated that we haven’t gone on any major vacations. This is now going into the 4th year of marriage, and this is not something I signed up for. If we even get pregnant accidentally, we have no savings to even take care of the child’s expenses. I hesitate to even have kids with him because it always feels like his major priority is his parents.
For the past few years, I have put up with it, although sometimes begrudgingly, because I remind myself that his money is his money, that he can do as he wishes with it. We keep our finances separate, and have a joint account for the purpose of “savings” - an account that we also keep dipping into because we never have enough money at the end of the month.
I may come off as selfish, but truly my problem is that I’ve never felt like he’s put me or my desires, needs above what he wants to do. And while I understand that I could have continued living with his in laws, that never felt like my home. It felt like I was staying at their home. And I never wanted to live with my in laws for more than a year or two. Please help me think of a calm and decent way to approach him about this topic; he loves me deeply and he is a wonderful man.
Everything in your post was about “mine and his”, what you want and what he wants, and how enmeshed you both are with your respective parents. There was no “we” there. Why are you even married?
The house I bought, was because he wouldn’t have been able to put another loan in his name. I bought it for the intention of it being “our” house though. We are married because we love each other - he’s clearly very focused on being a good son though, at the expense of being a good husband, or so it seems to me. I help my parents out a few times a year, but not at the expense of “us”.
Seems like a culture thing. I think that's going to be hard to change a lot of it. I'd start asking for very small changes and ask for bigger ones over time so it's not such a shock. If you are not happy you don't have to live this way but you have to compromise with your husband as he does sound like a good man you love. And vice versa.
You write out just what it is that you want and tell him. Obviously, offering some compromise is a good idea.
If he refuses then what can we tell you? You'll either continue to put up with it or you won't.
Maybe you need to make a financial spreadsheet that shows your combined income, expenses, and where you hope to be in five and ten years. Allocate a percentage for savings and an amount to raise a child.
Don’t separate it into his money and your money. Now that you’re married, it’s considered shared assets. You may need to see a financial advisor to put it into more objective terms. You have every right to insist that the two of you get your finances in better shape.
If it’s any comfort, you own half of his parents’ house and he owns half of yours.
Talk to him about children, surely his parents want grand-kids. Tell him, he needs to start focusing more on your marriage & less on his parents if he wants to start a family with you. Maybe seek some marriage guidance, with a counselor who knows your cultures.
in summery, you work to support him so he can support his parents in style.
First thing, if the parents have the better house, I'd switch with them.
I suggest that you have your husband match dollar for dollar what he gives to his parents and give it to you, an equal amount every month. Then you put that money away into a savings account in only your name where he doesn't know where it is,
If you stay together, you will have retirement money. If you get fed up, you have some cash to get you through a divorce.
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