Husband Lunch With Female CoWorker (wife, lesbian, how to, marriage)

[hotmama7171]

Been married almost 20 years. I operate a home business with good income. My husband recently went back to the corporate world. I feel he had been acting depressed/bipolar for the past 6 months or so. He seemed unmotivated to do anything around our house to help me out and spent half his days watching tv instead of working in our home business. About 3 years ago, we hit a bump in our marriage after I found out he was doing porn online every day and possibly in chat rooms (he denies this). Also during this time, he received a supposed "wrong number" text from a weird number very early in the morning. I googled the number and it belonged to a prostitute. He denied knowing her and said it was "wrong number". This is highly possible, but given the amount of porn he was doing, I still had my doubts/suspicions. It took a while for me to get over all of this. I have finally been at the point where I was trusting him fully again.

So, like I mentioned above, he has just went back to work in the city starting about a month ago. He landed a great job with a wonderful company at a salary he wanted. The team he works on is a new team and will eventually consist of about 10 people. Right now, there are 2 managers and my husband and his female colleague. She is married as well. I have been happy he got a job that makes him happy. For the past month, I have been taking on pretty much all of the housework, running my own business, and also purchasing his entire work wardrobe for him because he hates to shop. I have also spent extra hours making sure he has clean clothes every day and stay up late often to wash, dry, hang up his clothing, etc. I feel I have tried to be a good supportive wife and help him out.

The first week, he came home and told us about his two managers in great detail. Also- he mentioned his female colleague briefly one day but it wasn't a very detailed conversation (so I don't really know much about her except HE says she's a married lesbian). Last week after my husband went to bed, I was still up catching up on some chores. Our oldest child (age 18) who still lives at home was with me. He told me that his Dad told him that he went out to lunch with his colleague Tiffany today. I said "really". Then I thought- that's a bit weird that he didn't mention this to me. My son told me that it was a lunch with just my husband and Tiffany only- nobody else at work went. Also- he told me that he walked with Tiffany around the city for about an hour showing her some of the sights as she wasn't from this area and wasn't familiar with it.

The entire night, I was pretty frustrated that he failed to mention this to me (that he took another woman to lunch by himself). That morning as he left for work, I texted him to "have fun at lunch today". He immediately started calling me, but I didn't answer the phone as I was tired and wanted to catch a bit more sleep. He tried to call me about 7 times. That evening when he got home, I asked him about this private lunch with Tiffany. He said it was no big deal and that I needed to get some trust. He made fun of me and my "trust issues". He made me feel soooo bad! (Remember- those trust issues I had were caused by things that he did several years ago).

I told him that I didn't feel it was a good idea to start this practice of taking another woman to lunch because he's new at the company and it looks bad in the eyes of your boss and other coworkers. Also- I don't know the woman and I'll admit it does make me jealous to think of him and another female going alone given all that he and I have been through several years ago (we almost split up back then). I expressed these concerns to my husband and he hit the roof. He called me all kinds of names and told me I was basically a jealous a#hole. I kept trying to explain the situation and even sent him examples of articles online about how it's not a good idea. I asked him to please consider my feelings and not do it again in the future. He was so mad. He opened the door to go out to run an errand. On his way out, he told me he wasn't putting up with my stress and maybe we should just get separated. He stayed out for about an hour at the mall. He came back and we continued arguing about it. He still felt it was perfectly fine to take Tiffany out by himself at lunch. We didn't really speak for days. I mostly ignored him and told him I was moving on with work, etc. Then one day around lunchtime, he texted me from his office to tell me "just to let you know, I picked my lunch up and am eating at my desk. I will be doing this "until further notice". This text infuriated me. WTF does he mean by "until further notice"???? So we fought again.

We didn't speak thru the next weekend. Several days later, he finally told me he wouldn't do lunch alone with her again and that he's sorry I got so upset (not sorry that he said all those mean things to me). He actually got mad at me and said I started the whole thing by texting him to "have fun at lunch" that day. I just have a bad feeling about the whole thing. Why did he get so defensive if she's just a lesbian colleague. I looked at our phone bill and saw where he called a divorce attorney one morning before work and also during his lunch. So apparently, this issue means so much to him that he's willing to start calling attorneys about getting separated. WTF. Who does this?

Also- something you need to know is: several years ago, he and I had discussed not lunching/dining with the opposite sex alone. I went to a training class and a male colleague offered to take me to lunch. I wasn't comfortable with it and said no. I told my husband about it. He said "I hope you didn't do it". I told him I did not. So, we had the discussion about whether we should go lunch/dinner with the opposite sex alone. My husband said this practice is NOT a good idea. This was HIS idea to not do it. But flash forward, and now he has break his own rules. I am now left 1) hurt that he put me thru pure hell for a week insisting that it's ok to continue eating alone with Tiffany for lunch at work 2) not trusting him now because he kept this from me to start with (my son is one who told me) 3) blindsided and in shock that he would go to great length to call divorce attorneys.

I have looked up a photo of Tiffany online and she is not that attractive- she's not ugly but she's certainly not someone that would cause me to dump my wife for. So, I think this whole thing is just weird. I'm tired of him playing these games with me and playing with my heart. Right now, my heart is padlocked and he won't be getting in any time soon! What do you think?

[BirdieBelle]

You've got trust issues because he's got lying issues.

Y'all could get counseling. You need to learn how to fight fair and how NOT to use lying by omission and sarcasm to manipulate each other. At least Google that part.

But for that to work, you have to love each other.

[Izzie1213]

I am not you and don't live in your situation but maybe you over reacted and so did he. He was hurt you didn't trust him enough. He probably didn't tell you because he knew you would over react. He told your son and he wouldn't have if there was something to feel guilty about, IMO. Going out to lunch with a colleague and walking around a bit is not going to end your marriage.

I guess I don't like clingy relationships though. I've been married 30+years and have never put restrictions on husband, but I trust him and visversa. Although if alcohol is involved that's where the problems generally start.

Maybe he is feeling better about himself not sitting around the house all day and is afraid to ruin the new found happiness he has with his new job. It sounds like he has worked hard to better himself in that aspect of his life.

[halfamazing]

Counseling has nothing to do with anything. I really don't know why people always default to counseling as if that is supposed to help the underlying issues within one's self.

No offense to women, but OP, you may wish to consider an objective perspective from a male. Most women on here are likely to bash your husband and you not really get to the actual core of your issue..

#1- You are acting like his mother: You buy his entire wardrobe, you check his phone/phone bill, you want him to mention who he has lunch with, he can't watch porn, and I could go on... I would hate living with you, honestly.

#2- The guy finally leaves his mother's (you) nest and has some freedom. Instead, his mother (you) is still snooping on him to the point that little johnny (your husband) texts you that he will be having lunch at his desk until further notice.

#3- Your husband is on the brink of divorce and there is nothing counseling will do to help. The guy wants his freedom and you are stifling him. Your child is 18 and unless you have another underaged child, he has no obligation to you.

#4- You ask "who does this" with regards to him calling attorneys. Well, a person who is fed up and is about to walk out. Again, he has no obligation to anyone who isn't blood related and you certainly aren't any different. People change and have midlife changes.

#4- Stop snooping and comparing women and their looks. What she looks like has nothing to do with what she is capable of doing in bed. Looks have nothing to do with how well she performs in other areas OR, what his specific fetish may be. If she has a fat booty or pretty feet, then she not being a beauty model is irrelevant. (I'm just giving you perspective in that it often has nothing to do with looks when it comes to cheating)

#5- Start making your husband feel like a man and let him be more independent. Stop buying him clothes and stop trying to figure out who he is having lunch with. If he acts up, then you also have no obligation to stay in the relationship. However, you two don't owe each other anything if either of you aren't playing your parts.

#6- Start paying attention to YOU and not others. STOP BEING SUCH A MOM and start BEING A WIFE...

[hotmama7171]

I understand where you're coming from....but did you not see the part of my post where my husband actually came up with this rule himself a while back? He wasn't comfortable with me going to lunch with another male in my training class. He said and I quote "it's not a good idea to be doing that- going to dine with another male". So- I honestly thought we had an understanding.

Second- my buying his clothing was his request. He is honestly bad with fashion/matching clothes, etc. So our 16 yr old daughter and I have been buying clothing for him. He has been really appreciative, etc.

I check our phone bill because it's about $300/month and I like to make sure we're not going over our minutes, etc because Verizon bills the $hit out of you when you do. I just happened to see those calls- it got my attention because the calls were early in morning before work.

I really at this point am starting to not care if he threatens divorce. I've been married once before to an abusive man. I didn't want our marriage to end, but he physically and emotionally abused me one too many times. I basically left one day while he was at work and took my heirlooms with me. I am type of person who will reach my fill of $hit and then I'm out. I'm almost nearing that point. Because of his lies/omisson of truths, etc., I am painted into being a person that I'm not. I'm really not a jealous/distrusting person until someone gives me reason.

Originally Posted by halfamazing

Counseling has nothing to do with anything. I really don't know why people always default to counseling as if that is supposed to help the underlying issues within one's self.

No offense to women, but OP, you may wish to consider an objective perspective from a male. Most women on here are likely to bash your husband and you not really get to the actual core of your issue..

#1- You are acting like his mother: You buy his entire wardrobe, you check his phone/phone bill, you want him to mention who he has lunch with, he can't watch porn, and I could go on... I would hate living with you, honestly.

#2- The guy finally leaves his mother's (you) nest and has some freedom. Instead, his mother (you) is still snooping on him to the point that little johnny (your husband) texts you that he will be having lunch at his desk until further notice.

#3- Your husband is on the brink of divorce and there is nothing counseling will do to help. The guy wants his freedom and you are stifling him. Your child is 18 and unless you have another underaged child, he has no obligation to you.

#4- You ask "who does this" with regards to him calling attorneys. Well, a person who is fed up and is about to walk out. Again, he has no obligation to anyone who isn't blood related and you certainly aren't any different. People change and have midlife changes.

#4- Stop snooping and comparing women and their looks. What she looks like has nothing to do with what she is capable of doing in bed. Looks have nothing to do with how well she performs in other areas OR, what his specific fetish may be. If she has a fat booty or pretty feet, then she not being a beauty model is irrelevant. (I'm just giving you perspective in that it often has nothing to do with looks when it comes to cheating)

#5- Start making your husband feel like a man and let him be more independent. Stop buying him clothes and stop trying to figure out who he is having lunch with. If he acts up, then you also have no obligation to stay in the relationship. However, you two don't owe each other anything if either of you aren't playing your parts.

#6- Start paying attention to YOU and not others. STOP BEING SUCH A MOM and start BEING A WIFE...

[hotmama7171]

I understand where you're coming from....but did you not see the part of my post where my husband actually came up with this rule himself a while back? He wasn't comfortable with me going to lunch with another male in my training class. He said and I quote "it's not a good idea to be doing that- going to dine with another male". So- I honestly thought we had an understanding.

I really at this point am starting to not care if he threatens divorce. I've been married once before to an abusive man. I didn't want our marriage to end, but he physically and emotionally abused me one too many times. I basically left one day while he was at work and took my heirlooms with me. I am type of person who will reach my fill of $hit and then I'm out. I'm almost nearing that point. Because of his lies/omisson of truths, etc., I am painted into being a person that I'm not. I'm really not a jealous/distrusting person until someone gives me reason.

[hotmama7171]

I agree with everything you are saying. I'm also willing to work on it. We did try counseling before and I thought it was great at first. However, later on every counseling session felt like I'd been in the ring with Mike Tyson. I would leave the sessions feeling worse- my hands would be shaking I was so upset. My husband would seem to use each session as a platform to try to prove himself right in each argument instead of trying to get to the root issues we had. I ended up quitting counseling, and it's been stable but not great since then. One of the counselor's homework assignments was to buy a bag of dry beans. We were supposed to give each other a bean each time we complemented each other/said something nice to each other. My husband thought the activity was ridiculous. We never would take the time to try it. Every time, the counselor would say "did you do your homework with the beans" and we'd say "no- sorry we didn't get around to it". Eventually, she told us that it was very telling that we never took the time to do this assignment. She asked us to ponder why we never did.

[hotmama7171]

Anyone else have thoughts?

[ComeCloser]

Sex? Do you have it?

I totally don't understand why some women get all bent over porn. I'm not personally interested in it, much like I'm not interested in football, but I never cared if my husband viewed it from time to time.

What is going to happen if he looks at some porn? Will he want to have sex? Are you available for sex?

Everything seems a little tit for tat-ish. He made a rule years ago about you having lunch with males at work, so now, years later, you HAVE to make sure you inforce the same rule on him. I might have very calmly said, "so, we no longer have the rule about not having lunch with the opposite sex at work?"

You might hear, "Ahh yeah, that was dumb. I'm sorry I did that, I just worry about you."

Do you ever let anything go, or do you store it like an arsenal of bullets waiting for the opportunity to lob one back at him?

Do you want to love him, or do you want to punish him? If you just want to punish him, hire a PI, get the evidence (if there really is any), and get the divorce.

[elyn02]

You have to decide if you want to separate or not. The plan to deal with jealousy did not work, is not working, and will not work.