What can I do about my ex? (dating, wife, boyfriend)

[yarabarz]

Basically, in my ex-boyfriend’s world, it’s ok if he moves on and is in a relationship, but it’s not ok for me to do it? I’m not saying I let him get involved in my life, but my question is, what can I do for him to stop him and protect myself?

I don’t let him get involved. He finds out this info, and I only tell a few people, and then he has his “buddies” figure out who the guy I am seeing is.

He just got married 4 months ago. However, when a man tries to enter my life or tries to date me, he doesn’t like it and goes and messes it up. By talking garbage about me, by hitting or going up to a guy who shows interest in me. I also haven’t seen him in 5 years, and this past summer was my first time seeing him again. I confronted him about our previous relationship since we were so toxic and he said to me, “I still love you, but I can’t be with you because I already promised another girl that I would marry her.”

If it also helps he has anger issues like nasty anger issues and in the past has hit my ex-boyfriend. The reason why he hit my ex-boyfriend was that he found out him and I was dating. He went up to my ex and asked him “What’s between you and M/N?” My boyfriend at that time replied “I love her” and he punched him for saying that. He also had my cousin spy on us. Even tried another time to beat up my boyfriend at that time by trying to take him somewhere far so he can beat him but my boyfriend got away.

I was also talking to his cousin once on Facebook, and we just had the usual, “Hey, How are you” conversations and I wake up one day and see that he has blocked me for no reason. I believe that reason was that of my ex. Also he had separate fb account to add me on but when I blocked him He started to use his real one with his picture on it. But I now have been dating someone else, and he doesn’t know, and I intend to keep it that way. I plan on moving back to the state he’s in because my family and friends live there.

Do you guys think this behavior will stop soon since he is married? or maybe has a kid? Why is he still doing this? Should I move back? Advice, please?

[JerZ]

Have you contacted his wife about this? Calmly, to the point and with details?

I would.

[rrah]

Sometimes family and friends are toxic. For example YOUR cousin spied on you. If that's the norm for your family, how is that kind of family dynamic worth moving towards? It sounds to me like the family and friends in your previous state live for drama and create it.

Not worth moving back.

As to his behavior--sounds like a classic abuser to me. Stay far away and NEVER communicate with him again. BTW--your mistake was confronting him about the past. It was over. If you didn't want him to interfere in you life you never should have talked to him. You opened the door for him to be involved in your life again.

[ellie]

You probably should NOT move back. Your ex has a screw loose and having a new wife won’t fix it.

If you don’t like that suggestion and move home anyway, then you and your boyfriend need to step up and get serious with him if he intrudes into your life again. But don’t borrow trouble...

[sinsativ]

Harassment and hostility are offenses that the police need to be aware of. If these things are all true and you are a real person with these problems, then contact the local authorities, give them his name and address. Blocking you on FB and having someone else call you or not, are not harassment enough for charges, but, if he is threatening people with violence then yes, contact the police, cause if something does happen more, no one will know why or who. The first number to call is 911, to prevent the Emergency of 911.

[MichaelBC]

Your ex BF didn't whoop his azz? or press charges? at least press charges.

Your ex-ex bf, the dude with anger issues that is married...leave me alone and if he contacts you tell him to leave you alone or else you will contact his wife.

As far as your family or friends that help him "spy" on you, cut it off with them as well. Life will be so much better

[JerZ]

I still don't understand why OP doesn't contact the wife.

"Hi there! This isn't comfortable for me but if it were me, I'd want to know. Your husband has contacted my friends on (list the nine jillion dates here). I will be honest and let you know that I feel uncomfortable with (ex's) degree of investment in following my daily life and doings on the internet. It is not my business from here but I wanted to give you a heads-up. If it's nothing or a coincidence, please disregard."

DONE.

I'd bet my right ovary dude shuts up from there. On the heels of the ensuing fireworks, that is. He can sit there and go "what? She's crazy" but I am just betting he will SHUT THE HECK UP from here on out because now he realizes you're not scared or worried at all anymore about making ANY AND ALL of this public to people who count in his life.

Abusers/controllers LOVE secrecy on the part of their victims, they count on it. Out them and they scream and run in girlie horror. The game is up at that point. A bully actually loves to play the coward's role. It's like a nasty little kid who loves to pinch the dog to listen to it cry in pain, but when the dog actually turns around and bares its teeth, the bully runs sobbing to Mommy and doesn't touch the dog again. Put things into the light of day on this guy, EXPOSE his doings (very calmly, with backup) and I'm betting he's gone gone gone.

If you literally think he's going to come hit you with a tire iron, yes, call the police but just based on what was said here, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. If you're literally afraid, though, OP, obviously go to the police.

[Sonic_Spork]

If violence or threats of violence have been part of his pattern of behavior:

You need to be gathering evidence. If you haven't been documenting dates and incidents, why on earth not? You don't just let someone keep doing this stuff and not at least document it.

If you have people in your life who are 100% on your side, make sure they know. That way if he actually hurts/kills anyone, they know it was him.

Let the police know.

Don't live anywhere near him. At least...I wouldn't. I know some people are just so tight with their family of origin that they can't stand the idea of living anywhere else. If you can ONLY be happy living where he is, I would not let him keep me away from my True Home. Like my ex would love if I moved out of Colorado Springs so that he doesn't have to live in the same town as his ex wife, unfortunately both of us really want to live here...and I'm not giving ground.

A restraining order seems to be justified. Especially if you have any evidence of any of this stuff. I do believe that after that if he breaks a restraining order, he gets arrested.

I would not go tell his wife as suggested by JerZ (basic difference of opinion here) because in my way of thinking, that would be lowering myself to playing his petty game, of interfering with his current relationship in ways that he wants to interfere in yours. I am not really into revenge or payback though. If that behavior is against my values, and it is, I wouldn't let someone push me to violation of my own values, pull me down to their level, and engaging in their game. I would expect such an act to throw fuel on the fire, not to make him stop.

Even though I wasn't sure I wanted to involve the police, when my ex has done crazy or destructive behaviors, I did document it. Noted the date, time, what happened. In case I ever needed that information.

[HokieFan]

Stalking, harassing, and threats? Report it to the police.

[applej3]

Do you guys think this behavior will stop soon since he is married? or maybe has a kid? Why is he still doing this?

How would we know the answers to these questions?

If he's stalking or making threats, report it to the police.

The thing you say are happening on FB fall under the category of risks of using FB. Stop putting your business on FB or stay off of it completely.