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Some background, I was married for 30 years. Been mostly dating for the last 8 years, in a serious relationship for 5 of those 8 years. Took 2.5 years off from dating after my serious relationship to find out why I keep picking the same kind of incompatible person. My last relationship was finally somebody totally different and much more compatible, which meant I was NOT totally comfortable in it. She had the least amount of my family of origin traits and aligned with who I've become over the years. In other words, my individuated self versus my inner child (which wants the old family life back).
For me, compatibility and total comfort is not a good sign until after the honeymoon period (2-5 years). Since I asked about Romantic Compatibility, this instantly pushes us into higher expectations than you would have for a friend or acquaintance. But, what are those expectations based on? I think they are based on what we value and how we prioritize those values. They often fall with three categories: 1) Critical, must exist. 2) Important, may cause a breakup if absent. 3) Nice to Have, contributes to the overall happiness of the relationship.
You hear a lot about unconditional love, but does that mean, NO expectations? Sometimes you hear, "Love Hurts", but could it be expectations unfulfilled? For me, my expectations hide behind my hopes and wishes. I think I'm hoping for something, but if those hopes are dashed, here comes the hurt.
Something that has helped me immensely is knowing that whoever I fall in love with, is only my image of them, NOT who they really are. I remind myself, who they think I am (maybe in love with), isn't accurate yet. I think it's impossible to truly SEE a person for who they are until after the honeymoon period. I hear all the time, the relationship ended because they turned out to be somebody totally different. That's rarely the case, our perception of them got updated with who they've been all along. We were just blinded by our hope that they really are a perfect match (along with a hundred other emotions).
I know people change. I've changed a LOT over the years. Most change is gradual but is significant over time. I also read one report on Happiness in Marriage, that only 18% of marriages over 20 years are happy (defined as content, romantic, sexual, meaningful, etc). As if the 50% divorce rate concerns folks, this is more alarming to me. I was in one of those 82% unhappy marriages. Somebody asked me, are you willing to give up being happy to have a successful marriage? My answer was NO. Who would want somebody to give up their happiness to be with them? Love and happiness belong together, it might be the other stuff we bring in that are destructive.
Compatibility to me means being happy in the relationship. Are they nice to me? Am I nice to them? Do we find it easy to be nice to each other? Do we KNOW and ALIGN with each others expectations?
How did you feel about your ex when you wanted to marry her. ?
Mine was very simple , loved everything about her and it just kept growing from there. But , over 19yrs we did change and there was a lot of stress and here l am.
Over all though to me it's still pretty simple . You meet someone you like, a lot , you start seeing each other and falling in love and if it keeps on growing from there hopefully it all works out.
Other side of the coin , still the same to start but as you get to know each other it doesn't grow, instead things start to turn to crap, and for whatever reasons you begin to see it ain't gonna work.
Damn I actually am surprised you even were married for 30 years. That's a nutty way to live. I presume you are in your 60s and above. I hope you live the rest of your life easy.
I can't. I mean reading your post made me depressed jeezz.
I define romantic compatibility as two people being self aware and mature enough to truly know what they NEED (and differentiate that from "wants") and who communicate clearly in the early stages and who are able to fulfill one another's needs. They must be genuine with themselves and with each other.
Easier said than done. Most people have no idea what their needs really are. Some of them have really unrealistic need-sets that they believe are critical to their happiness. If that is genuine, then one is correct to hold out for it, even if they never find a compatible person, but sooner or later, some have to adjust if being alone is the more painful thing.
I know my needs, I took the time to work it out.
- Not a jerk to me or my kids.
- Similar values & philosophies. Not religious.
- Non violence / self control. No tantrums, threats, or violent outbursts.
- Good communicator. Can be honest with me, and handle my honesty.
- Not controlling or possessive, not easily threatened by other men. Willing to be involved in my social community.
- Not addicted to drugs, doesn't drink.
- Older than me. Preferably at least 8-10 years older, or more.
- Compatible kinks and bedroom style (a Top/Sadist.)
- Compatible tastes in music, movies, games, entertainment, culture.
- Capable of enjoying life. Not a perpetually gloomy, pessimistic, or miserable person.
- Likes cats, or at least my cat.
- Not a slacker, deadbeat, or financial burden (wealth not necessary, stability and decent financial habits are.)
That about covers it. Anyone who can't meet all of those criteria, is not compatible with me.
I expect they would have a list, too. My boyfriend, who meets all of my needs, had a number of requirements that he was thrilled I met. Among them body type, and inability to get pregnant, similar interests, compatible kinks, and the age range I am in.
The difference between needs and wants, I realized, at least for me, is "if I don't have this in my love life, I will not feel content, and I'll want to keep looking." It was dating and poly that taught me that. Marriage taught me that trying to square-peg, round-hole the situation, no matter how good your intentions or honorable your cause, in the long run does not work. Incompatible is incompatible.
Both people have to be able to let the other be who they are, and not try to force them to fit into a container made up of their own needs, it's why it's important to be able to know these things and talk about them ahead of time, and determine if compatibility exists.
I see romantic compatibility as sexual friction created by a match of a masculine man and a feminine woman. Because masculinity and femininity have been under attack for decades now in western countries (use of terms like "toxic masculinity"), its a rare combination anymore. This sexual friction acts as a glue in a relationship. Because it is missing in so many couples today, divorce rate is through the roof and relationships fall apart at record pace.
I see romantic compatibility as sexual friction created by a match of a masculine man and a feminine woman. Because masculinity and femininity have been under attack for decades now in western countries (use of terms like "toxic masculinity"), its a rare combination anymore. This sexual friction acts as a glue in a relationship. Because it is missing in so many couples today, divorce rate is through the roof and relationships fall apart at record pace.
I dunno, I've got a couple friends who are married gay men, and they've been together for a couple of decades, and going strong. They're both slightly feminine, but only if you're looking for it, neither of them takes a certain role that anyone can tell outwardly as one being more or less masculine/feminine. I do believe they seem to have romantic compatibility going on. They seem very happy.
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