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I guess I need some advice from the guys (or girls) here.
I(30) met this dude (33) on Tinder. He talked to me first and after a few days of talking he asked me out. Our first date was about 2h, having some beers. We immediately clicked, had so many things in common. After I got home he messaged me how nice it was to meet me and that he hopes to see me again soon. A day after that I had to go on a work trip for a week, but we stayed in touch and talked every day on the messenger. He seemed super interested, even said that he's really looking forward to see me again. As soon as I got back he asked me out again and we met the next day. About 5h together, sharing a meal and drinks, and in the end he kissed me. When I got home he called me to make sure I got home ok, and said again that he had a really great time and we talked a bit more.
Two days after that was Friday, and we both went out with our friends, but managed to unite both groups at a later point (so I met his friends and he met mine). We were both a bit drunk, so at some point we decided to go to his apartment to smoke a joint, and I ended up spending the night. We did not have sex.. instead, we talked a lot, cuddled, it was nice. He didn't try to push me to have sex at all. After I left the next morning he messaged me saying thanks for coming and he really enjoyed waking up next to me. And asked if I want to spend the whole Sunday with him. I agreed.
Sunday (now 10 days ago) we spent 8h together. We met in the afternoon, walked around, sat in the park, went for coffee, for food etc etc. We had so much to talk about and for the first time we really opened up to each other. He told me that he was with his last girlfriend for 6 years and that she ended up cheating on him, and that he left her only four months ago. I have a similar story (but mine happened almost a year ago) so I told him my story too. He mentioned that he isn't on Tinder to just get laid and said that he deleted Tinder already (I believe him, didn't see the app on his phone anymore when he was showing me something on his phone, and I realised his distance never changes when I check his profile). I didn't tell him that I deleted Tinder (because it's not true). I did tell him though that I like him and he said he likes me too.
He didn't invite me back to his place after all those hours together (which was ok), but somehow stuff has changed since then. He messaged me less frequent and his messages were shorter and didn't seem as interested as before. I tried to meet him for dinner last Wednesday but he declined, saying that he feels sick. We still talked a bit every day though. Friday last week he asked if I want to have dinner with him Saturday night, I said yes and asked when and where, but he never really said anything, instead we talked about other stuff and didn't end up meeting.
Saturday night I was a bit pissed then, I messaged him asking if something had changed and that I don't get what's going on, that he should just be honest to me if he doesn't want to see me anymore. He said that of course he still wants to see me, but that he has been all over the place lately (isn't that a textbook excuse) and that after his ex cheated on him (just 4 months ago- By the way, I know for a fact that this is true) he has issues to trust anyone new and is scared to grow too fond of someone. But that he definitely wants to keep seeing me and that he really likes me and enjoyed our time together and that it scares him a bit. I said okay and that he should let me know when he wants to meet. He then didn't message me back til Sunday around noon, asked if I wanna meet for a coffee. I said I can't because I'm meeting a friend, but if he wants to meet tomorrow (Monday), sure. He said 'Ok', I didn't say anything after that. Monday he messaged me in the early afternoon, asking if we're still on for tonight. I said yes. He then said he won't be able to meet for long though, but that he can come to my area so I don't have to go so far. I said okay, and we met for just 1.5h for a beer and a snack in a bar. He seemed normal, not distant or so, but we didn't talk about any serious stuff, just joked around and talked about how our week went etc (I hadn't seen him for 8 days, after all). He kissed me in the end and I sent him a text later wishing him a good night. He just sent back a kiss emoji. I didn't answer.
The next day (yesterday) I was the one messaging him first and we talked a little bit, and I asked him if he wants to meet later that day. Later he messaged back saying that he prefers to just go home and rest and watch a movie, I said ok. He read it, after that nothing.
Now it's the next day and already 4pm and I haven't heard of him all day. What should I make out of all this? Sorry for going so much into detail, but I just want to give as many details as possible. He doesn't seem like a douchebag (even though he's very attractive IMO), I mean he hasn't even tried to get me into bed yet, and he doesn't seem like a loud talker narcissist kind of guy, I'd rather say he seems a bit introverted and quiet (but is very funny). I'm just confused about his behaviour. He says he likes me and wants to keep seeing me, but then changes his whole texting and meeting up behaviour after date #4 (that Sunday date where we spent 8h together). I do understand that he got badly burned by his ex, but still. Also, on our dates (even the one two days ago) he keeps suggesting plans for us, like a motorcycle trip next weekend, but he has done that before and then never brought it up again, so it might be empty bla bla, I dunno.
I really like him and I thought we hit it off (and in the beginning he seemed super into me), but I'm confused now and wondering how I should proceed. Should I just stop messaging him altogether and see if he comes around or should I say something again to him?
I think he is not over his ex. That's why he hasn't tried sleeping with you and is sort of now going backwards, more friendly acting than romantic. Or he is scared to get cheated on again so he suppresses his feelings. Either way, not sure if there is anything you can do.
Honestly, whenever I hear these sleepover with no sex stories, it ends up the person wasn't really feeling it. As a friend, yes. But not as more. And the trust issues thing...he'd be moving heaven and earth regardless if he were strongly attracted. I don't want to hurt you but no, he is not interested. He is trying to be but he just isn't feeling it.
He felt in the hot seat when you asked him if he wanted to stop going out so he went overboard in denying it bit you notice he then basically made a getaway and faded out.
I would stop investing time in this guy and look around. When a guy is crazy about you, you will know it. I know that situation is out there, waiting for you.
If he's not over his wife, or still has trust issues, why is he looking to date? Why is he on Tinder? I'm not sure that excuse makes sense.
It could be anything, OP. What he says could be true. Or he could be seeing other women via Tinder, so he's dialed you back. You hardly know him, so you can't be sure whether he's honest or not.
In any case, he's not into keeping up the pace he originally set, for whatever reason, so I would put this on a back burner, and leave it to him to decide if he wants to fade out or fade back in. I would start to move on to some extent.
In my opinion, whenever ANYONE goes into the monologue "So and so cheated on me, I just find it so hard to trust, blah blah blah..." They are not ready for a relationship. It's practically asking you if you're ok with being a rebound person. They're just not ready.
In my opinion, whenever ANYONE goes into the monologue "So and so cheated on me, I just find it so hard to trust, blah blah blah..." They are not ready for a relationship. It's practically asking you if you're ok with being a rebound person. They're just not ready.
I'd pull back.
Right, or getting implied permission to just have you around to take care of...things, but not have any responsibility toward an actual relationship with you. I've seen this happen so many times. The responses are pat...we have one or two threads going on right this very minute with guys who said the same thing, with the women chasing them hoping they will be the ones to fix it all and it will all wind up romantic. ** It won't because ladies, I love ya but this is not a movie. The tortured artistic sensitive guy (or whatever) who's messing around with women because he's so afraid to trust isn't going to finally be healed by your love, and give you everything you ever desired.
Let a girl the guy is REALLY into (for more than the back burner or a convenience poink) walk by and see his "I'm in a bad place right now, I'm so afraid to trust again, I want to take things slowly...well, except the physical part" disappear into smoke.
** ETA: It's not always men who do this. I'm not trying to slam men. I've seen threads here with men who are led a heartbreaking chase with women doing the very same thing. Just wanted to point that out. And I've seen it IRL, too.
Right, or getting implied permission to just have you around to take care of...things, but not have any responsibility toward an actual relationship with you. I've seen this happen so many times. The responses are pat...we have one or two threads going on right this very minute with guys who said the same thing, with the women chasing them hoping they will be the ones to fix it all and it will all wind up romantic. It won't because ladies, I love ya but this is not a movie. The tortured artistic sensitive handsome guy who's messing around because he's so afraid to trust isn't going to finally be healed by your love, and give you everything you ever desired.
Let a girl the guy is REALLY into (for more than the back burner or a convenience poink) walk by and see his "I'm in a bad place right now, I'm so afraid to trust again, I want to take things slowly...well, except the physical part" disappear into smoke.
our love, and give you everything you ever desired.
Let a girl the guy is REALLY into (for more than the back burner or a convenience poink) walk by and see his "I'm in a bad place right now, I'm so afraid to trust again, I want to take things slowly...well, except the physical part" disappear into smoke.
Your points are all interesting and true, but you forget that he has NOT tried to get into my pants, not pressured me at all or anything like that. I'm convinced he isn't just interested in getting someone into bed.
If he's not over his wife, or still has trust issues, why is he looking to date? Why is he on Tinder? I'm not sure that excuse makes sense.
It could be anything, OP. What he says could be true. Or he could be seeing other women via Tinder, so he's dialed you back. You hardly know him, so you can't be sure whether he's honest or not.
In any case, he's not into keeping up the pace he originally set, for whatever reason, so I would put this on a back burner, and leave it to him to decide if he wants to fade out or fade back in. I would start to move on to some extent.
True. Maybe I shouldn't say anything to him again.
I would ask him upfront what's going on - make him aware of the fact that his changing behavior is causing confusion for you, and let him know where you stand as well. If he continues to be vague, then just let it go. If he asks for a little bit more time before taking things further, then that is up to you how you want to handle it, though it really wouldnt be fair to you to have to wait around until he is fully over the ex.
Overall, do you get a good vibe (so to speak) about the whole situation?
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