I want to move but my husband doesn't(Long Post Alert) (married, men)

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by JudyLowe4232

My husband and I are college sweethearts and after college we decided to get married. We have now been married for almost 2 years now, and we have a 10 month old daughter. We bought a house before we got married and life was great. But now that we have a child it has really changed our financial situation and my emotional situation. My husband is working 3 part times jobs (yes, THREE) and we hardly ever see him and when we do he is so drained. I work one full time job while my daughter goes to daycare. Neither one of us is from where we are currently living, therefore we don't have any family support in our town. My family is very supportive and come to help out when they can but that helps only on the weekends occasionally. The 2 friends I do have have their own lives and I don't expect them to come around often. I have recently asked my husband to consider moving to my home town where we will have an enormous amount of help and cost of living is cheaper and more job opportunities. Every time I bring the topic up it starts an argument. I don't think what I am asking is unreasonable. We have been struggling financially barely making ends meet, and he still is being stubborn and doesn't want to move. I am fed up, we don't have any intimacy, we hardly ever see him because he is working so much. It is literally frustrating because I know our lives would be much better if we were to pack up and move. I recently saw a job opening that I am qualified for making triple of what I currently make. I asked my husband could I apply and he shut down and completely ignored me. He is horrible at communicating and all i wanted was to have his honest opinion. I am to the point where I have completely disengaged myself

Originally Posted by JudyLowe4232

Thanks for the info, this is my first time ever writing on a forum.

All of the things you questioned I have asked him, I have also shared with him that his health comes first. He even fell asleep while driving but he did not have an accident.

We bought the house because where we live I got a low APR and the apartments are extremely expensive. Our mortgage is more affordable than an apartment.

And when we were dating we always communicated with one another, he has always been the kind of guy to be non confrontational.

Originally Posted by JudyLowe4232

I graduated and he did not.

He has been working for a well known delivery company I wont disclose for 5 years in the warehouse with hope of becoming a driver. He went to driving school but failed the test. So he has to wait until the next position to drive opens up. There is no guarantee how long that will be.

I think he doesn't want to move because he will feel like he can't provide for his wife and child. He will feel less of a man.

Two things come to my mind:


1. He used to be able to communicate, now he doesn't and he has 3 jobs. He is probably too tired and exhausted to be able to focus on your marriage.
2. You succeeded and he didn't. He didn't graduate, you did. He has a low end job and you don't. And then failed the driver test, which - come on - can't really be that hard. Probably failed because he is too tired from his other jobs.


He may feel like a complete failure. Then the triple pay opportunity for you - which is great - but it may be like putting salt in his wounds - hurt male ego.


Nothing is your fault.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by JudyLowe4232

I graduated and he did not.

He has been working for a well known delivery company I wont disclose for 5 years in the warehouse with hope of becoming a driver. He went to driving school but failed the test. So he has to wait until the next position to drive opens up. There is no guarantee how long that will be.

I think he doesn't want to move because he will feel like he can't provide for his wife and child. He will feel less of a man.

That's a silly reason for not moving. He can get his delivery job in the new location, probably. If not, he can take the drive test in the new city/state, and get another delivery job. It's not a big deal. He'd probably be a lot happier, because the pay would be better, if he gets a DL.

The problem is, you can't discuss this side of it, if he refuses to have a conversation with you about the move option.

You could present it, not as an opportunity to earn more, exactly, but as being about getting help with the kids, having a support network and family nearby, and those kinds of things. And incidentally, both of you will have better job opportunities.

OP, the perspective that moving will somehow reflect on his inability to support the family makes no sense, in view of the fact that he's not supporting the family on his own, anyway. You're working, and contributing, too. So why not both of you move to where you both can make more? Win-win.

In any case, you're only guessing at what he may be thinking. His refusal to communicate only leaves you guessing. You have no idea if your guesses are accurate. I suspect they're not, because as I explained, no matter where you live, stay or move, he's not able to support the family, so there's no sense in staying.

But....maybe that's just me. Anyway, suggest marriage counseling, and see what he says. If he doesn't have time to go, suggest he drop one of the part-time jobs. It's obviously not healthy for him, and he's not happy working 3 jobs.

[saltwater_gypsy]

1. Don’t even think about divorce
2. Make arrangements just you and him for the weekend to reconnect and talk about the future.
3. Pride is ridiculous. It will leave you broke, evicted and divorced. Take the help!

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Jilly9244

1. Don’t even think about divorce
2. Make arrangements just you and him for the weekend to reconnect and talk about the future.
3. Pride is ridiculous. It will leave you broke, evicted and divorced. Take the help!

I like that. Plan a getaway to destress, and re-bond. Hopefully, he wouldn't interpret that as pressure to "perform", or wouldn't read other things into it.

OP? Still around?

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by JudyLowe4232

I graduated and he did not.

He has been working for a well known delivery company I wont disclose for 5 years in the warehouse with hope of becoming a driver. He went to driving school but failed the test. So he has to wait until the next position to drive opens up. There is no guarantee how long that will be.

I think he doesn't want to move because he will feel like he can't provide for his wife and child. He will feel less of a man.

Judy, that's very insightful. You know him and my guess is, you're right about that.

I don't have any more to offer you, except he's trying his hardest and you're aware and sensitive to his issues.

Best wishes. My guess is, you'll both have the wisdom to work through this.

[SWFL_Native]

Originally Posted by JudyLowe4232

My husband and I are college sweethearts and after college we decided to get married. We have now been married for almost 2 years now, and we have a 10 month old daughter. We bought a house before we got married and life was great. But now that we have a child it has really changed our financial situation and my emotional situation. My husband is working 3 part times jobs (yes, THREE) and we hardly ever see him and when we do he is so drained. I work one full time job while my daughter goes to daycare. Neither one of us is from where we are currently living, therefore we don't have any family support in our town. My family is very supportive and come to help out when they can but that helps only on the weekends occasionally. The 2 friends I do have have their own lives and I don't expect them to come around often. I have recently asked my husband to consider moving to my home town where we will have an enormous amount of help and cost of living is cheaper and more job opportunities. Every time I bring the topic up it starts an argument. I don't think what I am asking is unreasonable. We have been struggling financially barely making ends meet, and he still is being stubborn and doesn't want to move. I am fed up, we don't have any intimacy, we hardly ever see him because he is working so much. It is literally frustrating because I know our lives would be much better if we were to pack up and move. I recently saw a job opening that I am qualified for making triple of what I currently make. I asked my husband could I apply and he shut down and completely ignored me. He is horrible at communicating and all i wanted was to have his honest opinion. I am to the point where I have completely disengaged myself from our marriage and I only focus on my daughter. As sad as this may sound, i thinking of applying and if I get the job. Just move without him and hope he sees how serious I am. I want my marriage to work and I want my family together but I can't live unhappy. Any thoughts on how I should handle the situation? Oh and when I mentioned this to his parents his mom's response was all marriages have struggles, you should be lucky you have a man that is willing to work. Oh and you are fortunate to not have a man that allows you to be all in his face talking about what he should do. Because most men would beat their womans a** or cuss them out. Thoughts please?

#1 You shouldn't be talking to his mom about your marital issues. It's not appopriate and of course shes going to be protective of her son. You would too if that your son.

#2 Your financial stress isn't just a function of a child. Were you living paycheck to paycheck prior to the baby?

#3 Why is her working 3 part time jobs? He doesn't get benefits that way nor is he likely to earn a good wage.

#4 moving may reduce your COL and he may have to work less but he may resent it.

#5 i would suggest you do more to open the communication lines. Having a child, working so much, and financial troubles is a ton of stress. Before getting into arguements its good to have some perspective on it before engaging or escalating. I would think your husband would be highly perceptive if you were able to truely get a job making triple (say 30k-90k) and then live cheaper. He could do 1 full time job and your relationship would normalize a bit.

[picklejuice]

Your mother in law sounds like a real winner, and possible clue to your husband's behavior. That is, if you accurately quoted her.

That quote was a big red flag for me. It also made me question what kind of family you married into. The main concern, in my opinion, should be whether or not your husband is hiding emotional problems that will eventually surface and cause even more problems for you and your child. IOW, does he have unresolved anger issues relating to his family of origin? Was his father mentally and/or physically abusive?

His mother's response is odd. It is concerning. It's also indicative of lower IQ. There could very well be complex socio economic issues and emotional problems going on here that you are in denial about ...

What are you not telling yourself and us?

[Stagemomma]

Is it possible that there is some specific reason that he doesn't want to go back? An old embarrassment, difficult family member, ex girlfriend who will either insult or tempt him? My husband was always at his least communicative when there was something he didn't want me to know, even if it wasn't a big deal. He was easily embarrassed.

Maybe if you could pick that apart you could come to a compromise.

How about some place near your hometown but not quite?

Making 3x the money, when you are paying full time child care, is too substantial to pass up.

If you can't get him to communicate, I would float the idea of a temporary solution...you take the new job, stay with family, but consider yourself long distance married as opposed to separated. Maybe after a few months of increased income, loving family visits when time allows, he'll come around.

[CBeisbol]

Originally Posted by JudyLowe4232

I think he doesn't want to move because he will feel like he can't provide for his wife and child. He will feel less of a man.

Toxic masculinity.

Originally Posted by Book Lover 21

- Applying for the job without getting his buy-off is a horrible idea, unless you are ready to end the marriage. You cannot force something like this. Then you will be as bad at communication as he is.

She already told him about it.

I think she should apply. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.

Then, she needs to have a conversation with this guy. Depending on his personality, maybe the detox weekend away, or maybe just sit him down and tell him "I need this situation to change, and here's what I think I can do about it".

[HokieFan]

My very first thought is that you have been in your house for only two years. You possibly stand to lose a boat load of money if you sell it now. For a couple living paycheck to paycheck already, that alone may keep you where you are. Have you considered that?