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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I guess what baffles me, homina, is the anger. But I'm about the least angry person I've ever known, if there were any one emotion I could say I don't much feel and struggle to understand, it would be anger. I get annoyed sometimes, but not like hate-spitting-mad angry. I can't relate to that. ..
I get the anger. It's one reason I'm here, because in these words and attitudes I see so much of me in my 20s. I was overweight, pimply, bad hair (until I shaved it clean). Never had luck in the bar/hook up scene. But I was a educated professional with good things in his life. I was thinking I'm seeing reality and the world for how it is, while everyone else (who doesn't think like me) is delusional. I was freaking bitter, and it wasn't my fault, it was the world, and society, and our stacked system. At times I was positively raging. At other times, I "accepted" reality and said blank it. I don't even recognize that person any more, thankfully.
I want to laugh at this exchange. Ken, do you expect that a woman "approaching" is like, we're leaping at you crotch first while grabbing our chests, yelling, "YOU WANT THIS BABY!" Like what in the hell? A woman striking up a conversation is trying to discern if she even finds you appealing past a first glance! Of COURSE we begin with "platonic," where else would we begin?
A man could be any woman's idea of the hottest looking man on planet earth, but...
If she is a vegan and within five minutes he's like, "steak dinner?"
If she is a traditional, conservative gal and within five minutes he's like, "BDSM party?"
If she is repulsed by drug use and within five minutes he's like, "420?"
If she is a liberal and within five minutes he's like, "MAGA?"
...we want to know these things, because no chick in the world wants to crawl in bed with a guy who is all problems on the inside! We have 100 possible bad outcomes we know could happen, from letting the wrong man into our bed and life. The world around us is full of women who end up taken advantage of, cheated on, beat up, knocked up, or just unhappy, and not one of us wants to be next. Looks don't tell you much of anything about the important stuff, and unless a woman is incredibly immature, stupid, or inebriated, we ALL KNOW THIS.
So a woman striking up a conversation, sure she might just be passing the time to be friendly, but if she is single (and she'll let you know, if she is giving you a chance) then that is step one, that is how we begin the process. Of course we don't lead in with "here's my number, wanna smash?" because until we get at least a clue as to whether you're a decent candidate or not, how would we know if we want you?
And I would say that those PEOPLE who are hung up on looks to the point of blindness to everything else, are probably a good reason there are a lot of divorces in this world. God, I had a man on OKC, even though I said VERY clearly in my profile I didn't want a serious relationship or marriage or more kids, practically beg me to be his lil Mama for life, offering me his fat military pay and whatnot, begging me to give him a chance, because he found me good looking. We had nothing in common. NOTHING. Why would he think that would even be a good idea? I have no idea, but I'm neither greedy nor stupid, so I wished him the best and shoo'ed him off. (Worth a mention, dude was all ripped abs in his pics, not my thing, but clearly he thought he was hot stuff and didn't get why ladies weren't lining up to be his next wife.)
Some people are obsessed with looks. Many aren't. I think it's problematic to rely on looks to choose a mate. But I'm thinking about happiness quotient, whether from a hookup (a hot guy can still be bad in bed) or a relationship (a hot guy can be a terrible partner) standpoint. You gotta have more. A better question than, "Why do we try to downplay how important looks are in relationships?" might be "Why do some people obsess over how important they think looks are in relationships?" since we seem to debate this constantly here.
Maybe he had very little dating experience? Doesn't one find out in HS or college, if one even makes even just a faint stab at dating at that time, that some of the ones who look so attractive turn out to be bad news? Or airheads with whom you can't even have a conversation? Do some people just not learn from experience? How can you miss this? Maybe Mr. Fat Military Paycheck wasn't all that bright?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-22-2018 at 12:53 PM..
Dating and relationships are also not about the person you get along with the most or have the deepest connection it’s the person who you get along with that your attracted to physically and vice versa.
...
My girlfriend now I love but is the connection mutual interests and laughs on the same level as the other two ladies I mentioned? Nope but it’s good enough becuase of the mutual physical attraction.
Fortunately, I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and intellectually attracted to my husband. Not only do I fancy his brain, but we get along amazingly well, and he's very easy on the eyes.
Attraction matters a lot, but without everything else, the glue that holds it all together, it's a non-starter. I wouldn't have taken serious interest in my husband if we weren't highly compatible in other areas. I went out with plenty of hot and gorgeous men before my husband. They didn't progress very far. I also dated plenty of average-looking men that lasted for many months or longer.
If I don’t like the outside, I’m not gonna bother to look on the inside. Simple as that.
Lol, if I don't like the inside, the outside fades dramatically and rapidly. I don't care how beautiful a person is physically, if there's nothing else to draw me in, it's useless to bother. Character nourishes beauty for me
I get the anger. It's one reason I'm here, because in these words and attitudes I see so much of me in my 20s. I was overweight, pimply, bad hair (until I shaved it clean). Never had luck in the bar/hook up scene. But I was a educated professional with good things in his life. I was thinking I'm seeing reality and the world for how it is, while everyone else (who doesn't think like me) is delusional. I was freaking bitter, and it wasn't my fault, it was the world, and society, and our stacked system. At times I was positively raging. At other times, I "accepted" reality and said blank it. I don't even recognize that person any more, thankfully.
Isn't it amazing when you look back on a seemingly previous self/life and don't even recognize that person? I have those moments when I think back to my days as a card-carrying hyper-fundamentalist and warrior for Christian dominionism.
Lol, if I don't like the inside, the outside fades dramatically and rapidly. I don't care how beautiful a person is physically, if there's nothing else to draw me in, it's useless to bother.
Yeah, but I still have to be attracted to the outside before moving forward. It's not that only looks/aesthetics matter. It all matters. But attraction needn't refer to just good-looking/hot people. I've dated a number of men that I was attracted to that I'm sure others find average. Heck, I was told years ago by someone here that an ex was mostly just average.
I think the reason it can be hard to remain objective and not snark (and just be supportive) is that usually, there is a jab in the OP. It's usually an attack on somebody from the get-go.
So for instance, in this case, the OP:
1. Claimed we're ALL superficial in this way. (He didn't use the word "superficial," for the record, but it's all over the idea of the OP.)
2. Claimed dating is not about connecting with the person, but is based on looks. He literally said this. Again, an attack on anyone who is in a relationship. Veiled but pretty clear. We're obviously all just full of ish and we're shallow and are only with an SO based on his/her looks, is the message.
3. Then went on to talk about a girl he dissed because she just didn't rate, physically. Followed by a few taggers-on who agreed that it's so hard to get a woman who's amazing-looking as compared to the man and that this, apparently, is the goal. (???)
These are all just basically attacks and snarks, and there isn't really even a question in there or a request for help. Instead, it was a lecture about how full of it we all are.
Maybe the origin of the snark is in that anger everyone's talking about right now. We see this over and over on here. "Why do only fat women want to go out with me?" "Why do all couples insist on being attached at the hip - is it insecurity? Lack of individual personality? Or some other truly mean thing I'll fling at them as a whole?" Stuff like that. When women do this, it's also met with pushback. Like the poster who complained only "average" men speak to her.
Yes, there's anger, big, big anger, but it's like I tell my children: no matter the cause, you CAN'T hit your brother. That will only make things worse. Same here. The anger that causes true nastiness toward entire genders or groups is at times so pronounced that it's going to garner pushback. I don't look at "I can't get laid, so I detest women, they're all feminist hypocrites and hypergamists and entitled" and go "Oh no, poor guy." And I shouldn't and I don't think anybody else should, either. Because there's frustration, and then there's frustration that's going just a little too far, and at that point, yes, the person does need to hear that he's no longer being logical or rational and has become, in fact, ironically, the attacker, not the attacked.
"But, I also never have had any one physical type. Of my serious relationships, the literal only overlapping part of the Venn diagram is that they've all been of above-average intelligence and noticeably well-read. Nothing else of note in common".
Yeah, but I still have to be attracted to the outside before moving forward. It's not that only looks/aesthetics matter. It all matters. But attraction needn't refer to just good-looking/hot people. I've dated a number of men that I was attracted to that I'm sure others find average. Heck, I was told years ago by someone here that an ex was mostly just average.
This is true too. For me, it tends to be one thing that stands out for me. The guy isn't a model but, say, he has gorgeous eyes. (To me.) Or I love his arms (I've spoken endlessly on here about arms, I guess...) Or something else that IS physical but OTOH I always wonder if I'm just deliberately picking those things out because I already like the guy. It's not the genetics, necessarily, but certain facial expressions and other things. I feel like I then find my "thing" about the guy that I find so hot I can't resist it.
I think the reason it can be hard to remain objective and not snark (and just be supportive) is that usually, there is a jab in the OP. It's usually an attack on somebody from the get-go.
So for instance, in this case, the OP:
1. Claimed we're ALL superficial in this way. (He didn't use the word "superficial," for the record, but it's all over the idea of the OP.)
2. Claimed dating is not about connecting with the person, but is based on looks. He literally said this. Again, an attack on anyone who is in a relationship. Veiled but pretty clear. We're obviously all just full of ish and we're shallow and are only with an SO based on his/her looks, is the message.
3. Then went on to talk about a girl he dissed because she just didn't rate, physically. Followed by a few taggers-on who agreed that it's so hard to get a woman who's amazing-looking as compared to the man and that this, apparently, is the goal. (???)
These are all just basically attacks and snarks, and there isn't really even a question in there or a request for help. Instead, it was a lecture about how full of it we all are.
Maybe the origin of the snark is in that anger everyone's talking about right now. We see this over and over on here. "Why do only fat women want to go out with me?" "Why do all couples insist on being attached at the hip - is it insecurity? Lack of individual personality? Or some other truly mean thing I'll fling at them as a whole?" Stuff like that. When women do this, it's also met with pushback. Like the poster who complained only "average" men speak to her.
Yes, there's anger, big, big anger, but it's like I tell my children: no matter the cause, you CAN'T hit your brother. That will only make things worse. Same here. The anger that causes true nastiness toward entire genders or groups is at times so pronounced that it's going to garner pushback. I don't look at "I can't get laid, so I detest women, they're all feminist hypocrites and hypergamists and entitled" and go "Oh no, poor guy." And I shouldn't and I don't think anybody else should, either. Because there's frustration, and then there's frustration that's going just a little too far, and at that point, yes, the person does need to hear that he's no longer being logical or rational and has become, in fact, ironically, the attacker, not the attacked.
It must be great too make things up to suit your argument.
I never said it’s not about connection I said my two greatest connections never worked out because one wasn’t attracted to me and the other I wasn’t attracted to which proves once in a lifetime connection isn’t enough if looks don’t come first.
I have a connection with my girl just not soulmate level like those two
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