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I think some people do invalidate people's feelings and their experiences. As I wrote above, though, I don't know if it's often meant to be invalidating so much as hopeful or helpful. Sometimes, though, people's advice misses the mark, and sometimes the mark keeps moving around.
I don’t have a problem with people who genuinely want to help. My problem comes when people who aren’t or have never been ugly want to sit and lecture actual ugly people about how it isn’t that bad, “You aren’t confident enough”, or about how they have a “friend” who is ugly who has a girlfriend/boyfriend. That is the height of arrogance to me, to literally sit there and tell someone how they should feel about their own experience when they’ve never been through it. Imagine someone who was born to rich parents who never had to struggle financially telling a poor person “Being poor isn’t that bad” or “I know someone who’s poor who is really happy” or some nonsense like that. I think some people genuinely do want to help, but you also have people who want to invalidate other peoples’ experiences and accuse them of whining or just wanting sympathy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
It sounds like you think this applies to you, or did in the past to at least some degree. What do you want to hear, or what might help you feel better about your dating challenges?
That’s a complex question that I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to. I feel like being honest about it at least helps, and the honest answer is that ugly people are valued less in society, much less the dating world. It’ll be hard, and many people will dismiss you outright before even beginning to know you or reject you in cruel ways. I still struggle myself so there really isn’t much I can give in terms of advice.
Funny b/c I am a female and "I am not a little boy" is an inside joke on my local hometown board.
Looks matter a lot.
A woman will date anyone who is good-looking ... he could be the biggest a-hole, poor, unemployed and it really wouldn't matter.
I know b/c I am a woman and I only date good-looking guys. I hope they are nice with good jobs and all that but I would rather date a good looking man with nothing than an ugly guy with everything.
Looks are important.
I lucked out b/c my fiancé has the whole package but I would rather date someone good looking .. that comes first !!
I can't be attracted to someone who I don't find good-looking ... most people are nice enough ... they need to be good-looking (aka take care of their appearance)
You may want to qualify that assertion. I didn't take interest in just any good-looking bloke. I passed over plenty of them and certainly wasn't hurting for their interest. Sure, I care enough about attraction that it was important I was attracted to the individual, but there's a shtton more I care about outside looks. I had standards and criteria, as do many people. Just being nice to ogle does nothing for me. Good thing Mr. Meta is easy on the eyes and everything else I desire in a partner.
Personality over looks is hogwash. A former friend was incredibly arrogant and immensely self absorbed yet had a different woman almost every night even while having girlfriends and even a fiancee. The fiancee actually married him knowing full well what he was doing. As of a year ago they were still married. Needless to say, it wasn't his personality all those women were after.
Personality over looks is hogwash. A former friend was incredibly arrogant and immensely self absorbed yet had a different woman almost every night even while having girlfriends and even a fiancee. The fiancee actually married him knowing full well what he was doing. As of a year ago they were still married. Needless to say, it wasn't his personality all those women were after.
Yes, and again, this will be a VERY small percentage of men and women. The whole entire rest of the world who isn't drop dead gorgeous get dates somehow.
Personality over looks only becomes hogwash when you are talking knock 'em dead hot...which, again, is by far the smallest percentage of people.
Yes, and again, this will be a VERY small percentage of men and women. The whole entire rest of the world who isn't drop dead gorgeous get dates somehow.
Personality over looks only becomes hogwash when you are talking knock 'em dead hot...which, again, is by far the smallest percentage of people.
Sorry but I know what I saw for about 20 years of being friends with him. I didn't buy personality over looks then and I still don't a little over 20 years later. As for the "entire rest of the world who isn't drop dead gorgeous get dates somehow" this assertion is physically impossible.
Sorry but I know what I saw for about 20 years of being friends with him. I didn't buy personality over looks then and I still don't a little over 20 years later. As for the "entire rest of the world who isn't drop dead gorgeous get dates somehow" this assertion is physically impossible.
1. Yes. I know. This ONE guy you know who is physically exceptional and was wanted for his looks without (as far as you could see, or were willing to see) having to do anything at all. That was my point.
2. I stated that awkwardly - I meant the entire rest of the world (besides that super hot category) is not drop dead gorgeous. The majority get dates anyway. Obviously. Look around you. Do me a favor right now and tell me the total number of people you know, except those who died very young, who went to their graves never having had a relationship. Now count for me the number of people you know over, say, 45 who have never been married, but wanted to be. Out of the probably hundreds of people you have known in your lifetime, what numbers did you come up with there? Be honest.
And if you really want to have some fun, figure how many of those people are drop dead gorgeous, exceptional.
I know this one woman who went to a bar and met up with a guy and went home with him and had sex with him.
That must mean that all women who enter bars are down for casual sex with any guy they meet.
Wait, no? What?
Lesbians go to bars. Are all women lesbians? No? How can it be? Faithfully married women go to bars sometimes, too. I was on a Ladies Pool League and lots of women were just there to shoot pool. That's it! All women in bars are there to compete in pool. Heck! That's not right. *erases complicated equations from blackboard*...
How will we EVER figure out what absolute rules apply to all members of a given gender, if we cannot take a single anecdotal example and believe it is The Way Of Things (tm) for ALL of them??
Dudes need to quit tryin' to Einstein this. There is no Unified Theory.
Personality over looks is hogwash. A former friend was incredibly arrogant and immensely self absorbed yet had a different woman almost every night even while having girlfriends and even a fiancee. The fiancee actually married him knowing full well what he was doing. As of a year ago they were still married. Needless to say, it wasn't his personality all those women were after.
I have no idea why you'd extrapolate this to all women. That's weird. And why fixate on him, as your (ostensibly) representative sample? Why not fixate on the geeky, creative guys, who also have their following among the women, and proclaim that women go after dorks? Or the guys doing hard, long time in prison, who get fan mail? Why not declare that women go after jailbirds and nothing but jailbirds, so all the stories about women going after money can't possibly be true?
Remember the Boston Marathon Bomber, some guy from Chechnya? He was swamped with fan mail from American women. Maybe what American women really go for is rugged-looking murderous Chechen bombers, so all the stories about Nordic looks being women's main preference is just a fairy tale.
I've known a guy for 20 years, who's obese, but a talented musician with an exotic background. Knowing him for 20 years, you'd think obesity and musicianship are all women care about. This guy has had gorgeous blondes, gorgeous brunettes, all kinds of women chasing after him, since he was a teen. He married one of them at 16, then was divorced by 17. So I guess women love broke, fat, musically creative types. You can't convince me otherwise, because I've seen him fighting them off for 20 years. Maybe the OP's problem, and JBT's problem, is that they're not broke and fat enough.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 06-05-2018 at 09:49 AM..
Looks don’t matter much to certain kinds of people.
- those that aren’t attractive physically
- those that have other priorities, such as children from a previous relationship. Stability, resources, lifestyle, willingness to enter into a relationship, etc take the front seat here.
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