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it is very selfish to be mentally ill and wanting children. You only want children so you are not alone. But since bipolar runs in your family AND your bfs, chances are high your children will have it. You are barely able to take care of yourself, please do not put a helpless baby in such an environment.
Be happy with your bf, enjoy what you have with him. It is tough to be mentally ill and date - he accepts you the way you are, why not leave it at that?
Not everyone who can have children should have some. Leave the childbearing to mentally healthy people who can offer the child a stable environment and future. Your posting history shows you are all over the place, you shouldn't even think of adding children to the mix. Find some friends, hobbies, ...
The bolded is a good point, IMO. I hadn't thought of that; the genetic predisposition would be coming from both sides. It's something to consider, among the other issues the OP has raised. I think the OP is being wise and responsible to consider the whole picture, which she's doing. I don't think we need to bash the OP; this is a difficult and emotional position to be in. She's doing her best.
OP, I still think you could benefit from finding a support group for bipolar people. It would be a good source of information and opinions on everything you're debating.
Not to go OT, but part of the above post almost sounds like a case for borderline-eugenics and social Darwinism... I politely and respectfully disagree...that's a very slippery slope and I would wonder what would be the next step; for example saying a person with physical disabilities or who is in a wheelchair, etc. shouldn't ever have kids as well?
I didn't take her post that way. It might not be politically correct to say that mentally ill people shouldn't have children, but if you know there are certain things about yourself that might make things more difficult for a child, why subject potential children to that? My personal perspective is that even if you're mentally/physically/financially/emotionally fit to be a parent, the world still sucks, so why subject potential children to that? Because you WANT to be a parent. Yeah, I get that. But does your desire to be a parent mean that it's ok to bring children into a cruel and dangerous world for your own personal entertainment and fulfillment? Because that's really what you're doing. You can't say that having kids is for their benefit because you don't know how their lives are going to turn out.
If you want kids and your partner does not, you need a different partner.
It doesn't get more irrencocilable than that.
I can't help wonder if the people who make posts in this vein haven't read past the original post. The plot thickens on about page 2. The OP's feelings on the matter are far from cut-and-dried.
I can't help wonder if the people who make posts in this vein haven't read past the original post. The plot thickens on about page 2. The OP's feelings on the matter are far from cut-and-dried.
Well, you're right about that but, if one person in a relationship wants something the other will never provide, that will grow like a weed of hatred that will eventually strangle the flower of love that may have originally been there... and that's not good...
Well, you're right about that but, if one person in a relationship wants something the other will never provide, that will grow like a weed of hatred that will eventually strangle the flower of love that may have originally been there... and that's not good...
In ordinary circumstances, yes, that could happen. The OP's circumstances aren't ordinary, though, and she's struggling with that. It's possible that she could, in time, resolve her feelings about having kids, and may decide it's best not to. If she could get over any sense of loss that might bring up, and if the relationship with her current guy develops in a positive way, she could arrive at a place where she's made peace with her situation. I get that that's a lot of "IF's involved. Nobody said life was easy.
This is one of those "the road not taken" kinds of situations. If the OP were to meet a good guy who did want kids, resulting in her ignoring her misgivings and going full speed ahead with having a family, she could end up regretting it. She'd be happy maybe in the beginning, but it would turn out to be challenging, and who knows how the kids would fare. And as was pointed out earlier, her child/ren could turn out to be bipolar, too. Then how would she feel?
She's really at a crossroads in life, here, in.a way. I think the fact that her guy is forcing her to face the issue, by virtue of his being adamant about not wanting kids, is a good thing. It's causing her to do a lot of thinking, and to make a conscious choice, vs. more of an unconscious choice, which could result in greater unhappiness down the road, if having kids backfires on her (and on the kids).
In ordinary circumstances, yes, that could happen. The OP's circumstances aren't ordinary, though, and she's struggling with that. It's possible that she could, in time, resolve her feelings about having kids, and may decide it's best not to. If she could get over any sense of loss that might bring up, and if the relationship with her current guy develops in a positive way, she could arrive at a place where she's made peace with her situation. I get that that's a lot of "IF's involved. Nobody said life was easy.
This is one of those "the road not taken" kinds of situations. If the OP were to meet a good guy who did want kids, resulting in her ignoring her misgivings and going full speed ahead with having a family, she could end up regretting it. She'd be happy maybe in the beginning, but it would turn out to be challenging, and who knows how the kids would fare. And as was pointed out earlier, her child/ren could turn out to be bipolar, too. Then how would she feel?
She's really at a crossroads in life, here, in.a way. I think the fact that her guy is forcing her to face the issue, by virtue of his being adamant about not wanting kids, is a good thing. It's causing her to do a lot of thinking, and to make a conscious choice, vs. more of an unconscious choice, which could result in greater unhappiness down the road, if having kids backfires on her (and on the kids).
Being bipolar is affecting my decision.
I want to be a mom, but I am not sure I am going to be a good mom.
I am tired in the afternoon, sad, and most people are afraid of people with mental illness.
He is fine with that.
I am not sure if I will be lucky to find someone to have kids with this condition.
I just found out that I have bipolar a year ago and my medication worked in February.
The point is I will not find that guy to have kids for at least another two years.
Maybe, I changed my mind about having kids.
My boyfriend mom has bipolar and my boyfriend has been traumatized in childhood.
I had a bipolar dad and my childhood was hell.
The only reason I want kids is I love to be a mom but I am not sure when I am prepared to do it.
I even don't have family in this country, if I have kids I am completely alone in raising them.
My mom can't be here to help me. What is my mood changes, what will happen to the kid?
Is having a kid more important than having a healthy life?
I am the child of a bipolar parent, and I really want to encourage you to spend time exploring these doubts. I wouldn't say "don't have children," because every case and situation is different, but I will share my own experience, which is that as a child, even though I intellectually knew about mental illness, and had other caregivers, having a parent behave so erratically was disturbing. Parents are bedrocks for children, and my bedrock was perpetually suffering earthquakes. It is unsettling for a child not to know which "version" of a parent they will get on any given day. This parent was a good person, but even so, I would say there was child abuse/neglect at the highs and lows of the cycle. The behaviors associated with the disorder also gradually pushed away other adults who could have been a support network for us kids - relatives, family friends, etc., eventually leaving us pretty isolated.
Ironically, once the stress of having children in the home went away, the condition stabilized quite a bit.
Again, every scenario is different, but I think it's important for you to closely reflect on your own situation, and how it would be perceived by a child, how it could affect a child in their formative years. A good topic to discuss with a therapist, for sure, before making any decisions. I think you also need to have an honest, frank conversation with your mom about whether she is truly willing, able and eager to basically be a surrogate parent at her age, given that your plans depend on her coming to the US and helping you. And I'm sorry to say this, but - you also need to think about how it would go if something happened (say, health-wise) to your mom and she was no longer able to help with child care.
Good luck and I hope everything works out well for you and your family, whatever the nature of that family may be.
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I politely and respectfully disagree...that's a very slippery slope and I would wonder what would be the next step; for example saying a person with physical disabilities or who is in a wheelchair, etc. shouldn't ever have kids as well?
