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when I met my SO (almost 3 years ago) he told me that this one girl, kayla, was his friend because I noticed that she called/texted him frequently. I found out on our 1 yr anniversary that he and kayla actually had a romantic/intimate past but since it was so long ago (college years) they were able to work past it and remain friends. I was upset with my boyfriend because he lied to me about the nature of their relationship, not that they were still in communication. Eventually I forgave him and moved on.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when it came out that he and kayla had slept together just a few weeks before we met. I know I shouldn't care, but it does bother me that he wasn't just honest about everything from the start. He still talks to her every month even though they don't hangout in person. They text pretty frequently and for some reason she comes up in conversation often which I find odd. That's how I know about her and his relationship, he just brings her name up in conversation (especially when we're out for dinner for some odd reason) kind of a lot. He says that there is nothing between them but then if I ask if he will cut ties, he says no. He said it's about control (i.e. him not wanting me to control him) but I feel it is about more than that. Am I overreacting or are my feelings valid?
when I met my SO (almost 3 years ago) he told me that this one girl, kayla, was his friend because I noticed that she called/texted him frequently. I found out on our 1 yr anniversary that he and kayla actually had a romantic/intimate past but since it was so long ago (college years) they were able to work past it and remain friends. I was upset with my boyfriend because he lied to me about the nature of their relationship, not that they were still in communication. Eventually I forgave him and moved on.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago when it came out that he and kayla had slept together just a few weeks before we met. I know I shouldn't care, but it does bother me that he wasn't just honest about everything from the start. He still talks to her every month even though they don't hangout in person. They text pretty frequently and for some reason she comes up in conversation often which I find odd. That's how I know about her and his relationship, he just brings her name up in conversation (especially when we're out for dinner for some odd reason) kind of a lot. He says that there is nothing between them but then if I ask if he will cut ties, he says no. He said it's about control (i.e. him not wanting me to control him) but I feel it is about more than that. Am I overreacting or are my feelings valid?
Yes,,your feelings are valid.It's time to end the relationship with this person because he wasn't 100% honest with you from the start.If he had nothing to hide...he would have told you the complete truth about the past relationship.Also the fact that he slept with her and then you guys got together a few weeks later after the fact..dating...well there is obviously feelings he still has for her.Just let him go.It's not worth it to be with people who just hangs on to exes and still has them in their life as 'friends'...whatever.He shouldn't be talking about her all the time in almost every conversation you 2 have.It's not natural.He has feelings for her still.Get out of this relationship.
Your feelings are definitely valid. I can see both sides though.
It's not really ok for you to insist he cuts ties with someone that he has been friends with for years. But, it's a weird situation and you pretty much need to insist he cut ties considering their history.
I don't know how you should handle it. Although I do disagree with the poster that said you should end the relationship. Well, not without at least trying to figure out a solution - especially if this kayla person is basically the only problem in your relationship.
3 years is a long time, and they don't see each other in person. I don't know.
Maybe just ask him to stop mentioning her and bringing up her name in conversation. He's with you now, you are his number one (his only one actually). Who talks to is really his business but he should not make you uncomfortable with it. I personally do not think you need to worry about his remote friendship with her as long as it stays remote (and out of your face).
I've had girlfriends who's conversation was significantly focused on her past boyfriends and lovers. There was hardly any place or way we made love that she didn't have a story to tell of another guy in the same place or way or similar. It wears thin rather quickly. At least she thought I was better than most.
I’d dump this guy, he’s bad news and is playing a game. He spoon feeds you pertinent information about every year regarding his ex and their past relationship which really isn’t in the past. They are having a current relationship just on a different level. Yes it’s odd he keeps bringing her up in conversations. Next thing he’ll be telling you is oh by the way, Kayla and I have a child together but hey don’t worry about it, we put the baby up for adoption 4 years ago.
I'm living the same, have for over 20 years. I came into my current relationship with 2 very good friends that I spoke with frequently, one guy and one girl. The girl and I had tried a relationship, had sex, and went back to being just friends when the physical part didn't work out. I still consider her one of the best friends I've had in my life. Zero sexual feelings, zero interest in being in a relationship with her again, zero threat to my wife and her position in my life.
I'd like to point out that he HAS NOT LIED TO YOU, at least from the way you described it. The girl IS his friend, and from the sounds of things, nothing more. Having had sex prior to meeting you is irrelevant. You wanting him to kill a friendship over your timid feeling IS trying to control him. The way my wife handled it was to simply ask me to stop talking about her, reminding me that it didn't make her feel good. Since I don't want to hurt my wife, I respected that and keep me long time friend out of our conversations (mostly, I've brought her up a couple times when she hit the national news for her business).
From my perspective there are 2 things going on. You're insecure and don't trust someone you've been with for 2 years. If you can't get over that, it's poison to the relationship and you should just save everyone a whole lot of headache and call it quits. The other is that you're not communicating adequately to your boyfriend as the the source of your discomfort. You've talked yourself into the conclusion that he lied to you, which I don't see as being accurate. Maybe he has and you haven't properly indicated that. If so, why are you still with him?
That's ok, you have the self-affirmation cheer squad all lined up in here, so ignore my viewpoint. We're all saying the same thing though, time to break it off if you can't get your feeling under control...
Guess what? It’s really none of your business who he slept with before you got together. It’s the same thing as a guy being upset when he learns that his girlfriend has a “history.”
That being said, I empathize with your feelings of discomfort with their frequent communication. You are feeling insecure that he shares a bond with another woman.
Still, you really can’t tell him that they can’t be friends. You don’t have the right.
What you can do is tell him honestly that it makes you feel jealous and insecure. Confess it.
He, in turn, can choose to respect your feelings and reduce contact. That doesn’t mean they cut contact, it just means that he steps back to some degree. Maybe you should get to know her better?
He could also continue to make you feel uncomfortable, which means he doesn’t respect you that much.
Ideally, you should work on your self esteem. He is with you for a reason.
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