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So as I've mentioned in my previous quote, I've been dating a guy for about two months now and hes been consistently initiating dates, keeping in touch, and going through all the gestures. However, we are still in that awkward in between phase, and haven't had the exclusivity conversation yet. I've been looking for an opportunity to bring that subject up, but haven't had the chance to yet because of my own schedule,working a lot etc.
However, I've also been dealing with some serious personal issues in my own life relating to family and my future,etc. I've already spoken to him about it, so he knows most of it. We've shared quite a bit about each other's family. He had been uncomfortable at first,sharing his own story so early but ended up doing it anyway. But because we are not in an "official relationship" yet, I feel hesitant in opening up further. I don't want to bring any more negativity into our relationship or make him think I'm needy. But I do wish I could have him to talk to rely on. I'm just concerned that it would give him pressure or feel too much burden so early on in the relationship. For me, it would make me feel closer to him to be able to share my problems, but he seems like someone who needs more time to open up.
Would it be better for me to not share my problems until we become closer? What do you guys prefer when you start dating someone and it's progressing into something more serious? Would you prefer your partner to be able to open up or to take time in doing so?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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I prefer people to open up. I want to know the real person, and know exactly what is going on with them. Light and fluffy talk gets old REAL fast. Like, one date. That doesn't mean dump all the details, but don't hide things, IMO. I find sharing such things, if it is a good connection, actually brings people closer.
Heck, I doubt if I would share personal problems with a close female friend after just knowing her two months and I would certainly not do it with a (casual) boy friend that I had only dated for two months.
Discuss those issues with a long time friend or a counselor.
The problem to me seems to be that you wanting your relationship to be in a place it just isn't yet.
You skipped a few stages when you slept together, and now you're wanting to be "official" but he apparently isn't there yet.
I would not start leaning on him in what you call a "boyfriendly" way just yet. Restrain yourself, and be patient. Continue getting to know him. Keep a lid on your insecurity.
I don't know, all of this seems so unnatural between you two.
There should be a special connection, a bond, you feel close and tell each other intimate things.
This whole ... unsure...too early...not committed... feeling you have just makes me think you two aren't really into each other and shouldn't be together.
Okay so opening up and being vulnerable apparantly makes people closer yet a lot of advice given says to not do that until you are close (paradox much?). I guess you could play it safe, OP, and share bits and pieces of the deep, not so light hearted stuff over time. Dumping too much baggage all at once on a new mate could drive them away.
So as I've mentioned in my previous quote, I've been dating a guy for about two months now and hes been consistently initiating dates, keeping in touch, and going through all the gestures. However, we are still in that awkward in between phase, and haven't had the exclusivity conversation yet. I've been looking for an opportunity to bring that subject up, but haven't had the chance to yet because of my own schedule,working a lot etc.
However, I've also been dealing with some serious personal issues in my own life relating to family and my future,etc. I've already spoken to him about it, so he knows most of it. We've shared quite a bit about each other's family. He had been uncomfortable at first,sharing his own story so early but ended up doing it anyway. But because we are not in an "official relationship" yet, I feel hesitant in opening up further. I don't want to bring any more negativity into our relationship or make him think I'm needy. But I do wish I could have him to talk to rely on. I'm just concerned that it would give him pressure or feel too much burden so early on in the relationship. For me, it would make me feel closer to him to be able to share my problems, but he seems like someone who needs more time to open up.
Would it be better for me to not share my problems until we become closer? What do you guys prefer when you start dating someone and it's progressing into something more serious? Would you prefer your partner to be able to open up or to take time in doing so?
There's no rule of thumb.
How much you are comfortable disclosing (and, how much the other person is comfortable with you disclosing to them) is entirely a product of individual preference and context.
If you feel hesitant and uncomfortable, honor that feeling. Only share what you feel is beneficial for you to share, when you feel that it's beneficial for you to share it. If you feel like you're heaping too much on too young a relationship, go with that. If it reaches a point where you do feel you can share more, and he wants to know why you didn't say something earlier, explain exactly that. You seem, from what you describe, to be open to reading him carefully and basing your interpersonal communications on what you are observing and intuiting from his behavior, which is really the best you can do. You're paying attention, and proceeding thoughtfully based on what you're getting from him. That's really all you CAN do.
As relationships deepen, yes, we do ultimately take risks. As we share and open up, we are saying, "I am trusting that you will still accept me, even with this knowledge." It's inherently risky, and there's no way around that. But if you have put the time and effort into building a trusting bond with someone, and they are equally committed to doing the same to you, you're doing exactly what you should be doing.
I think it's wise to be cognizant of your needs and wants on this front, and contrasting them with his needs and wants as you understand them to be. For instance, for you, it would be very comforting at this point to share more of things that trouble you. But, as you have noticed, it might not be comforting at all to HIM...it might be exactly the opposite. This is important awareness to have. Some who struggle with social graces might not even tap into this introspection. But I do think that if it seems that he isn't a person who is going to generally be open to sharing big, difficult, or painful things without there being relationship-damaging repercussions, that's good to know, too...because it might mean it's not a good match, if things can't eventually get to that point. But it is possibly early on to make that call.
Also, when you speak of the importance of sharing innermost, private things, out of curiosity, do you put the same emphasis on sharing things that DON'T have negative, stressful connotations? Like, does it feel just as intimate to share personal hopes, pleasant memories, etc., or is the real need to have somebody to vent to about problems, to help mitigate stress? If it's more the latter, it might be wise to develop an alternate outlet for venting your problems. I don't think that a partner should categorically be cut out from working through difficult things with you, but it also isn't fair to treat a partner (especially a new-ish partner) like they're your therapist. A neutral party is the appropriate party, sometimes, if you need to emotionally purge.
And as this thread alone shows, how people feel about timelines for emotional openness and unvarnished honesty, versus maintaining privacy or boundaries is going to vary greatly person to person. Which is exactly why there is no rule of thumb.
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