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I believ some people are missing the overall point i was trying to bring across.
This isn’t solely about healthcare. I used that as a reference because that’s my Day to day job and that’s what I can relate to the most on a personal level.
People definitely aren't "missing your point." Many are disagreeing with you. However I did provide a response based on your OP that sort of agreed with your main point and offered an idea for why it happens:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken-wings
I have seen couples like this, and I think it often occurs when the couple has kids and the wife goes into "mom mode." Too many men are fine with fading into the background when babies come on the scene and are not active parents. Too many moms are anxious about being a parent and fending off opinionated grandmothers and try to control the situation by treating ALL family members like babies. It's up to the couple to keep their marriage at the forefront.
That doesn't mean there aren't problems with your premise, which I also pointed out:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicken-wings
You really are assigning emotions to these people that you have no idea about. Maybe they consulted in the car and she ordered everything just to keep it efficient. It doesn't mean he's "lost his soul."
My main thought is that you are seriously judging these folks without knowing the whole story. "Soulless?" "Weak?" You work in healthcare and now might be a good time to remember that you are supposed to be compassionate above all.
You probably wouldn't have gotten as much blowback if you hadn't used such derogatory language to describe these people, who you don't know. It really makes it sound like you're projecting.
I agree. I can't imagine how allowing a spouse to take control in some situations has anything to do with losing one's soul. This is obviously a concept that makes sense only to the OP. Why?
Every couple divides up the responsibilities.... hopefully according to strengths/weaknesses and at times interests. There are things that happen "behind-the-scenes" that one cannot ascertain looking outside inward. Furthermore, you can contribute to the household in many ways including through financials or through labor.
A neighbor of mine seemed to do absolutely nothing. He spent much of his weekends spending time playing with kids, doing enjoyable hobby type stuff, going out with friends, etc.... One could easily say "Poor wife... she must do everything in the house! and works too!"
When I got to know them better, I discovered that he works a lot as a manager for one of the large import/export Japanese companies. He is about 80% travel away from home. It is through his hard work that he hires a cleaning service for both his home and laundry. All his vehicles are leased so he doesn't worry about it. He has a landscaping company take care of the lawn. He has a handyman that he can call at any time to perform repairs/maintenance on the house. He even pays the teenager down the street to do the shopping for the family.
She cooks... but it turns out that that is actually hobby of hers (she is a Food Scientist of sorts).
She works... but again it turns out that she quit her once lucrative job to bake cakes. She doesn't really make a viable income from it.
So in reality even though from the outside he doesn't seem to do much in terms of errands and chores, he is actually performing the vast majority of it..... its just he outsources most of it so he can enjoy the little time he is actually at home.
I never ever understood why high earning couples choose to fight over who does what when it is obvious neither cares to do chores when the obvious solution is to outsource it..... what's the point of all that money and earnings when you go home just to fight over who does the laundry.
As for health care.... it is not a black and white issue here. Some people (me included) am not interested in extending my life. I'm more interested in trying to enjoy the days that I do have. Heck... I've probably shorten my life to a certain extent... not so interested in obsessing over it. So it is a personal choice as we are all suppose to have dominion over our body. Everyone should know this prior to getting married. Most women in my life are much more obsessed over aging... so its natural for them to be more health conscious than I will ever be. Yeh.. I care for myself.. but I certainly haven't lead a life of a health nut. I don't care to. I eat healthy... but I drink, smoke, enjoy pot occasionally, work a desk job, don't get enough exercise, etc... but whatever.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish
My husband might still be alive if I had been more involved and proactive in his healthcare. But I didn't play the role of mommy. He went to see his doctor once in a blue moon, but was afraid of needles, so he never had blood work done. He didn't follow his doctors advice. He thought he was immortal and he wasn't. I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had insisted that he followed his doctors advice. He might still be alive if I had.
Know we have had our differences but I want to give my condolences to you. This isn’t gonna change the fact he ain’t alive but please don’t guilt yourself for decisions he made or didn’t make.
I never ever understood why high earning couples choose to fight over who does what when it is obvious neither cares to do chores when the obvious solution is to outsource it..... what's the point of all that money and earnings when you go home just to fight over who does the laundry.
Many do pay for help. Have you ever known any higher-earners who fight about it?
Many do pay for help. Have you ever known any higher-earners who fight about it?
Yeh... sadly. they are more concerned about the size of their bank account, expensive cars and crap...
Similarly....
Wife struggled with housework when we had twins. So I hired a service to come in a clean the house several times a week. I work a lot.... The kitchen is my duty and I cook the majority of our meals among other things (repairs, financials, retirement, tax, yard work, go getter for errands). She thought it was too expensive and insisted that I stop the service. A few days later she is yelling at me because I don't do enough to clean the house... wtf?
My husband might still be alive if I had been more involved and proactive in his healthcare. But I didn't play the role of mommy. He went to see his doctor once in a blue moon, but was afraid of needles, so he never had blood work done. He didn't follow his doctors advice. He thought he was immortal and he wasn't. I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had insisted that he followed his doctors advice. He might still be alive if I had.
I’m sorry for your loss. You can not allow yourself to continue feeling guilt. Some people follow medical advice to a T and don’t end up any better off. You can not engage in mind games of “what if” as adults I also feel we can only do so much without infringing on their free will. His decisions are not yours to carry
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
35,634 posts, read 17,975,706 times
Reputation: 50663
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
It may be part of why men die earlier than women. Correlation may not be causation, but then again it may.
Male sperm die earlier than female sperm, also. They swim faster, and can get to an egg to fertilize it faster, but if there are any difficulties (the egg isn't present yet, the ph in the woman's body isn't perfect for sperm life, etc.) the female sperm win out and can fertilize the egg after the male sperm have died.
Same way with men and women. Men can swim faster and appear stronger, but women are longer lived because they can withstand starvation and disease epidemics better.
Milktoast. I have no problem doing all of that myself.
That's just ridiculous speculation. There are medical and genetic reasons why men die younger than women, and also stress related reasons, such as many men having more career stress (because men typically have longer careers).
All the more reason for men to take care of their health and do other things like re-set their priorities so that work takes less of a toll. The genetic issues that impact men almost all need prompting to go from genotype to phenotype, prompting being smoking, drinking, pushing too hard at work, negelcting basic self care, and so on.
For the first part, I don't have my bills and she doesn't have her bills. We have our bills. Once we got married, or really several months before, both of our paychecks went in the same account and was used to pay all bills. And I let her take care of the financial part. Main reason is she's better with taking care of the money than I am. Plus the job she had for over 20 years was working with money so she knew a way or two to take care of some of the bills. I am in the exam room every time she has an appointment. I do now because she has to be in a wheelchair if she has to do much walking due to back and hip problems and I push her chair everywhere. But even before she needed a wheelchair, I still went in with her. And most of the time she went with me to my appointments. Never said a word unless somebody asked her something. But, with me going to her appointments, I never even once considered it as an attempt to control her as the OP said. She just wanted me to go with her.
I don't need a wife to "function", OP. I HAVE a wife because I found somebody to love and spend the rest of my life with beside her and her beside me. My parents were married 66 years before my mother married and she always paid THEIR bills, not hers and his.
Right now I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and just about anything else that needs to be done. But, even if she wasn't in bad health, I would probably do a lot of this because I figure it's my responsibility just as much as hers.
Walmill, I'm sorry you think men who do this are "gutless". I think just the opposite.
I do joke about it a lot. I tell people I'm the boss of my house and have her permission to say so. When somebody says that means I'm boss when she's gone. Nope. The dog's there. lol
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