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It’s amazing y’all have managed to survive that. It sounds like addiction. How long ago was it?
To be fair, not all men who look at porn are addicted to it, and most wouldn’t readily substitute their wife for it. Addiction is a whole other thing.
Im glad you’re at a better place now.
True, there is a difference. My ex admitted that he became addicted to porn after giving up a 30-year smoking habit. He never had much interest in it before.
Do People Make Actual Love Anymore or Is it All Porn and Fantasy Driven?
I would like to think that somebody, somewhere is still able to function in a happy sexual marriage.
About 5 years into our marriage, my wife suffered a back injury. After that incident, it causes great pain whenever her cervix gets beat-up. So she decided sub-consciously that she wanted to be celibate. The next 25 years of our marriage were a living hell for me.
I have spent about 10 years in counseling, and I am at a better place now, for having been in counseling on the issue.
I am aware that a lot of marriages are not 'happy' ones. For some of those marriages porn may be at the root of the issue. But it is not a 100% cause of all the sex-less marriages.
I would like to think that somebody, somewhere is still able to function in a happy sexual marriage.
About 5 years into our marriage, my wife suffered a back injury. After that incident, it causes great pain whenever her cervix gets beat-up. So she decided sub-consciously that she wanted to be celibate. The next 25 years of our marriage were a living hell for me.
I have spent about 10 years in counseling, and I am at a better place now, for having been in counseling on the issue.
I am aware that a lot of marriages are not 'happy' ones. For some of those marriages porn may be at the root of the issue. But it is not a 100% cause of all the sex-less marriages.
I do understand that this a PG Forum, but I am beyond frustrated by the posts I read about men and porn use, whether it be casual and or extremely dedicated. I used to not have an issue with this until my husband became addicted for years (I didn't know) I left him because he would rather look at porn that have real sex with his real wife. This was quite a few years ago and we have resolved our issues etc. BUT this issue still chaps my ass. So my question is, do people make love anymore, just really passionate REAL love-or is it just cheap versions porn saturated sex in the sheets.
I think you are obsessing. I'm reading the same forum you're reading and I haven't seen the subject come up all that often.
I'm sorry your husband suffered an addiction. I think your experience with him has caused you to become overly sensitized to the issue.
Yes, real people do actually make love, I presume passionately but I don't really discuss this with my close friends (mostly couples where I'm friends with both). I'm hoping my OLD will end in a LTR which includes this. My past experiences have been like this.
I haven't met anybody IRL who is obsessed with porn (that I'm aware of) and I've never met anybody who said they used porn as an adjunct to having sex.
I also haven't met anybody IRL who frequents forums such as we all do. (Most of us.)
Everything considered, I think your view of porn as significant is incorrect. Real people still do it the way people always have: the beast with two backs, and no mention of porn.
You got the bad luck of the draw with your husband. That gave you an incorrect picture of reality, at least reality as I know it.
One of my criticisms of most porn is that it's "too mechanical, not enough animal." Fails to convey enough perspective, feelings, energy. Might as well be machine parts moving to and fro. I guess this stuff is designed to excite the male mind? It does nothing at all for me.
My boyfriend has a long history with porn. From the underwear section in the department store catalog as a very young man, to whatever magazines he could sneak, or buy, eventually VHS tapes, then DVDs, and then the revolutionary explosion of it that has come with the internet. It has, I would say, caused him some function issues in terms of his body's responses to actual partnered intimacy. Sadly. It's one of few problems we have today as a couple, but it's a minor one that we deal with.
And, as I (so tediously) mention sometimes, we're into BDSM.
It might be easy to think that the things we do would fall more into porn and fantasy and extreme stuff. That we would find "love making" to be boring maybe?
That would not be further from the truth.
It just means that we explore all sorts of things together. We have fun. We laugh. We tenderly love one another. We cuddle for hours. We work to make every act together more than just some mechanical and repetitive stimulation...we are also into some Tantra and energy exchange (which is a very good fit with BDSM, actually.)
Sex for us, can be anything from play, to intense sensation, to fantasy, to loving and bonding, to an almost spiritual thing.
One of my criticisms of most porn is that it's "too mechanical, not enough animal." Fails to convey enough perspective, feelings, energy. Might as well be machine parts moving to and fro. I guess this stuff is designed to excite the male mind? It does nothing at all for me.
I think also people tend to think of porn as "the porn," like there is only one kind of porn. The very fist distinction is that there is photo porn and there is video porn. Both break down into solo and multiple (often couples), solo is usually female models either posing or masturbating. Multiples breaks down along the lines of typical or exaggerated sexual acts (all of them, including lesbian) and fetishes/paraphilias. (You may be surprised that child porn is virtually unknown, due to cooperation between FBI and Europol/Interpol, and due to extreme enforcement measures.)
There is porn mainly because of human instinctual gender behavior that goes back long before H. sapiens became a species. Males and females have distinct roles played out through our genomes, our reproductive differences were set in our genes since prehistoric times. Much of it is a result of our physiological gender differences. The male success model is to impregnate as many women as possible, the female success model is to find a man to protect them and their children. Evolution caused humans to make more males who impregnate as many women as possible, and caused caused females who sought a protective man to have more reproductive success.
Sexual development is also important. In "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Emily Nagoski, the author explains what I think is particularly relevant about sexual development in childhood, that males get sexual signals from their environment and become excited, they experience an erection and associate sexual cues with their erection; males know what got them excited. Females on the other hand do not have such a handy "excited" indicator as a penis so they associate arousal with social signals. That explains why women are more socially/emotionally oriented and men are more visually oriented, from a developmental point of view.
Combine the genomic view (evolution) with the developmental view (e.g. per Ms. Nagoski) and we begin to attain an understanding why men are visually oriented and women are emotionally oriented. Neither picked the way they are, neither is right or wrong, and neither should criticize the other for "being that way." Neither had a choice! Men are not ogres because they like to see naked women. Women are not stingy because they won't give men sex.
Let's get back to porn now. Porn is largely a male domain because men are visually excited. Women prefer such things as romantic fiction for stimulation because they are programmed towards emotional stimuli.
Many women don't understand why men are different. They see men using porn and rather than interpreting it as men are visually oriented, they perceive porn in social and emotional terms and they're offended and sometimes feel jealous. Men don't even notice romantic fiction as soft porn because the thought never entered their minds. (I read romantic fantasy and the sexual imagery is just as extreme as I see in male oriented visual porn. In fact I think some of it is amazingly steamy! lol!)
Either male porn (visual) or female porn (romantic novels) is equally sexy IMO. The genders should accept and embrace their differences and their commonalities. Porn is not bad unless it becomes excessively focused upon. If men excessively dote on their visual porn to the degree that it interferes with their relationships then that's a problem. If women excessively dote on romance novels then that could become a problem too.
Outside of the problem expressed in the OP, an example of a man who became overly obsessed with porn, it is reasonable to condone porn use by either sex and neither should feel threatened. Women tend to obsess about their men using porn because they are emotional/social and don't fully understand the male visual orientation. They interpret male porn in an emotional/social context and feel it is competing with them, which is usually not the case. Men are simply motivated by a simpler sex drive and if he needs release he may turn to porn in addition to seeking intercourse. It's not a problem unless it interferes with his functioning in a sexual context with his woman.
Myself, I think pictures or videos of people having sex is gross, but I don't impose my standards on others. My IT experience causes me to believe that a huge part of the Internet traffic is devoted to porn, maybe even a full third, but the truth is that I doubt anybody knows.
And back to our Sporkie, she may be tedious but she's our Sporkie! And S, thanks for the tip on the book I noted above. And thanks for sharing your expertise!
I think also people tend to think of porn as "the porn," like there is only one kind of porn. The very fist distinction is that there is photo porn and there is video porn. Both break down into solo and multiple (often couples), solo is usually female models either posing or masturbating. Multiples breaks down along the lines of typical or exaggerated sexual acts (all of them, including lesbian) and fetishes/paraphilias. (You may be surprised that child porn is virtually unknown, due to cooperation between FBI and Europol/Interpol, and due to extreme enforcement measures.)
There is porn mainly because of human instinctual gender behavior that goes back long before H. sapiens became a species. Males and females have distinct roles played out through our genomes, our reproductive differences were set in our genes since prehistoric times. Much of it is a result of our physiological gender differences. The male success model is to impregnate as many women as possible, the female success model is to find a man to protect them and their children. Evolution caused humans to make more males who impregnate as many women as possible, and caused caused females who sought a protective man to have more reproductive success.
Sexual development is also important. In "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Emily Nagoski, the author explains what I think is particularly relevant about sexual development in childhood, that males get sexual signals from their environment and become excited, they experience an erection and associate sexual cues with their erection; males know what got them excited. Females on the other hand do not have such a handy "excited" indicator as a penis so they associate arousal with social signals. That explains why women are more socially/emotionally oriented and men are more visually oriented, from a developmental point of view.
Combine the genomic view (evolution) with the developmental view (e.g. per Ms. Nagoski) and we begin to attain an understanding why men are visually oriented and women are emotionally oriented. Neither picked the way they are, neither is right or wrong, and neither should criticize the other for "being that way." Neither had a choice! Men are not ogres because they like to see naked women. Women are not stingy because they won't give men sex.
Let's get back to porn now. Porn is largely a male domain because men are visually excited. Women prefer such things as romantic fiction for stimulation because they are programmed towards emotional stimuli.
Many women don't understand why men are different. They see men using porn and rather than interpreting it as men are visually oriented, they perceive porn in social and emotional terms and they're offended and sometimes feel jealous. Men don't even notice romantic fiction as soft porn because the thought never entered their minds. (I read romantic fantasy and the sexual imagery is just as extreme as I see in male oriented visual porn. In fact I think some of it is amazingly steamy! lol!)
Either male porn (visual) or female porn (romantic novels) is equally sexy IMO. The genders should accept and embrace their differences and their commonalities. Porn is not bad unless it becomes excessively focused upon. If men excessively dote on their visual porn to the degree that it interferes with their relationships then that's a problem. If women excessively dote on romance novels then that could become a problem too.
Outside of the problem expressed in the OP, an example of a man who became overly obsessed with porn, it is reasonable to condone porn use by either sex and neither should feel threatened. Women tend to obsess about their men using porn because they are emotional/social and don't fully understand the male visual orientation. They interpret male porn in an emotional/social context and feel it is competing with them, which is usually not the case. Men are simply motivated by a simpler sex drive and if he needs release he may turn to porn in addition to seeking intercourse. It's not a problem unless it interferes with his functioning in a sexual context with his woman.
Myself, I think pictures or videos of people having sex is gross, but I don't impose my standards on others. My IT experience causes me to believe that a huge part of the Internet traffic is devoted to porn, maybe even a full third, but the truth is that I doubt anybody knows.
And back to our Sporkie, she may be tedious but she's our Sporkie! And S, thanks for the tip on the book I noted above. And thanks for sharing your expertise!
All very educational Lovehound...but much of it based on little more than educated supposition - that is the whole evolutionary biology bit. There's a lot of new research centering around many of the ape species' females being quite promiscuous - oh my, who would have thought? Don't they just want a big strong male around to help them? Well, interestingly there is some thought around the male penis having its distinctive shape because it evolved as a way to scoop out that which a previous male had deposited - those sly females were helping their chances by mating with several males in quick succession! What a biological imperative they seemed to have - so what could males do to increase their own chances? Those males with "good scoopers" got to pass their own genes on more often.
So anyway - it's not all so clear as had first been assumed - and the ladies can even have a bit of their own fun and it is perfectly biologically accepted and approved! Now if we can just get the fellas to get over being jealous about they not being the only ones biologically seeking out some variety to help the whole species out.
And believe me, lots of women love video porn and actually females are generally not that picky about what excites them - lots of research on that as well, guess it's the whole "fluid sexuality". Women may not necessarily want to do what they see but a surprising range of things can be considered exciting nonetheless.
Personally I don't care about men using porn since I do myself. I only care when it cuts into the "us" time - there are probably a fair number of other women with similarly liberal attitudes.
I don't know. But I think porn addiction is a huge problem in society and I think men, in particular, are more damaged by it. They tend to get addicted and porn feeds them a false narrative.
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