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Gay guy here. There is this guy that I go back and forth with on my feelings with. Him and I first met and dated three weeks. I suffered a brain injury in my third week, got cold due to my injury, he got scared and backed off. Once I recovered a month later, I came back to him to see if he still wanted to date, he said no we could be friends.
The thing is when he said "no" it didn't phase me. I didn't feel sad, hurt or down. In a way that told me maybe I wasn't into him at all. We continued with the friendship but no feelings towards him. After a few months he started dating someone, briefly.
Again, I felt nothing. No jealousy, no urge to fight over him. If anything I was happy for him. They soon broke things off. We continued with our friendship. As we hung out more and more we got closer and closer. Up until this summer.
He started to meet my close personal friends. Then all my friends were saying how they loved him and we would make a great couple. Then I started to notice he seems to be taking a liking to me. Wanting to hang out multiple times a week, wants to do trips with me. Through most of my time I felt nothing, but a couple months ago, with all my friends that have met him and even family pushing me to date him because of what a catch he is.
That's the thing he is a catch. Absolutely stunning and handsome. He turns heads everywhere we go. Sweet, caring, emotionally stable and we share a lot of the same values and morals. Some negatives are he's still young (he's 26 I am 33). Young in the sense he's trying to figure out who he is and sometimes I see how lost he is. Even how he sleeps around (about 3 guys a week) show me that he is still going through some stuff on who he is and what he wants. But it's becoming clear he is interested in me now.
The thing is I am confused on how much I like him. With most guys it's clear cut. But him I like him sometimes and sometimes I don't. Sometimes there is chemistry, sometimes it feels flat. Lately, I do get a little jealous if he mentions someone else, but then sometimes I don't care at all. If I found he was dating someone else, in all honesty, I would be a tinge down now, but it wouldn't affect me all that much.
We are doing our first trip together in a few weeks. I am getting nervous that he may try to do something, but I am not sure how to handle it, and not sure how to handle my feelings. Again, with most guys it's so clear cut how I feel about them. With him it's confusing. He fits into my life perfectly, but there is just a certain something missing.
It's like you're trying to make the pieces of the relationship puzzle work and fit together but you simply can't. Like you said, OP, something is missing. And, that "something" is big and important enough that doubt keeps you perseverating about it.
I do not have a clear cut answer for you. Were it me, I would be inclined to spend some time with him in a local setting, but I would not go on a long trip with him because I would not want the pressure of having to spend time with someone I prefer not to or worry about him "trying something." If you do go and he tries something or takes things in a direction you are not comfortable with, tell him you're not comfortable with that and tell him "no." If he pushes and does not respect your boundaries, well, I think you have your answer.
It's like you're trying to make the pieces of the relationship puzzle work and fit together but you simply can't. Like you said, OP, something is missing. And, that "something" is big and important enough that doubt keeps you perseverating about it.
I do not have a clear cut answer for you. Were it me, I would be inclined to spend some time with him in a local setting, but I would not go on a long trip with him because I would not want the pressure of having to spend time with someone I prefer not to or worry about him "trying something." If you do go and he tries something or takes things in a direction you are not comfortable with, tell him you're not comfortable with that and tell him "no." If he pushes and does not respect your boundaries, well, I think you have your answer.
In the past 12 months we have known each other was there a period of 2-3 weeks where I was like "You know what I think I do like him" but then again it went back to me being unsure.
In the past 12 months we have known each other was there a period of 2-3 weeks where I was like "You know what I think I do like him" but then again it went back to me being unsure.
That sounds really lukewarm even at your warmest. "I think I do LIKE him"? What is your minimum requirement for a longer term non-monogamous relationship? That you don't tear each other's eyes out? Sounds like you're FWBs but you don't mention seeing other people? If that's the case, why not? Because you are more attached than you otherwise seem to feel?
If I was that lukewarmish I'd be actively pursuing other people.
I think you're spending too much time with him, which is making you think that you like him more than you really do. Your state of confusion will not improve with spending more time with him, nor by even getting into a relationship with him, it will remain. You need to back off on spending time with him to re calibrate to what you really want/need.
I think you're spending too much time with him, which is making you think that you like him more than you really do. Your state of confusion will not improve with spending more time with him, nor by even getting into a relationship with him, it will remain. You need to back off on spending time with him to re calibrate to what you really want/need.
You may have a point. I am going out of the country next week, so it will be a period of three weeks that I don't see him. It's already been 2 weeks since we last saw each other (I traveled last weekend) and while I would love to see him, that DESIRE to see him isn't quite there. So maybe right there is my answer.
Another thing is, when I do like someone, I do pursue them heavy, but I just don't have that much of a desire. Again if I come back from my trip and find out he is dating someone seriously, I think I would be quite alright. I wouldn't be too hurt.
It seems like you're trying to force feelings simply because your friends and family said you'd make a great couple. If they backed off, I'd bet you'd have more clarity and realize that you're better off just being friends.
You may have a point. I am going out of the country next week, so it will be a period of three weeks that I don't see him. It's already been 2 weeks since we last saw each other (I traveled last weekend) and while I would love to see him, that DESIRE to see him isn't quite there. So maybe right there is my answer.
Another thing is, when I do like someone, I do pursue them heavy, but I just don't have that much of a desire. Again if I come back from my trip and find out he is dating someone seriously, I think I would be quite alright. I wouldn't be too hurt.
Yes re-evaluate how you feel after 2-3 weeks away. Try not to talk either.
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